Anonymous
Post 12/01/2016 06:29     Subject: Re:How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
With a kid at home, I had to be very careful not to hurt her feelings while trying to fill that hole in my life. She didn't want to shake hands with a date of her dad's for at least a couple years.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2016 06:27     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
I don't judge moving on quickly but I DO judge not putting your (minor) kids first, and not making choices that best support them through their own loss and grief. They need to feel as safe and secure as possible, especially in the first year. So dating has to be handled sensitively and delicately.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2016 06:21     Subject: Re:How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
I didn't try to date for a year after my wife dying, but I ran into at support groups widows who started very quickly: 6 weeks and 4 months. Whatever works. The 4 month woman had no kids and had gone for years living with somebody. She preferred to keep trying to live that way.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2016 05:34     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Anonymous wrote:My sister put up a profile on Match.com less than a month after her husband died at 41 (she was 40). I was a little -- um.... -- but you know what? He was sick for a long time and she had done a lot of her grieving before he actually died.

Who am I to judge?


This is what happens with something like a cancer diagnosis. You grieve throughout. Please don't judge.

Signed a widow whose husband passed of cancer
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2016 00:38     Subject: Re:How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
As long or as short as it takes. Each individual is unique in their grief and how they handle it. Some need time to mourn, others cannot bear to be alone. Some need distance, others need comfort. Especially for those who had to live through their spouses dying days/months/years, it is not for outsiders to judge how long is appropriate for them to come to terms with the loss of their partner.

Leave it be and MYOB, OP. Be thankful that you were not the one to lose your spouse.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2016 00:05     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parent moved on right away, I think it's disrespectful to the deceased spouse and the rest of the grieving family to get truly serious about someone until it's been at least a year. The first Christmas without my dad, featuring 'new grandpa' for my kids, was a really raw experience for the entire family.


I agree and understand.

Did she try to force the kids to call him grandpa when they first met him?

My dad was online dating within weeks after my mom passed. Found out he was bringing my just turned five year old niece who grandma watched every day since birth and who was very close to her, into the room to "help grandpa pick your new grandma."

His selfishness messed her up for a long time and really destroyed her chance to healthily and naturally grieve the loss of her beloved grandma and primary caregiver.

There is an incredible level of selfishness in gleefully foisting their sex life on the rest of the grieving family weeks or months after a parent died.


Yes, asked the grandkids to call him grandpa and got very upset when my siblings and I said no to our kids referring to him that way. She even cut off her relationship with my five year old because he said he didn't like the boyfriend and thus 'wasn't supportive enough'. Time went on and we all really like her boyfriend but it is something I'm sure we'll never forget. Her relationship with my son is ok now, but definitely not what it used to be.


It is rough for children who are put in this position.

My niece was getting in trouble in school. It came out finally that she was so sad and confused by grandpa telling her to help him pick out a new grandma because she didn't want anew grandma and missed her grandma so much. It had only been a few weeks/months for anyone to even grieve a little, and way too soon for the younger kids to process her sudden death.

I am sorry for your loss. No one knows what this is like until they experience it themselves. Finding others who went through the same thing really helps.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:59     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parent moved on right away, I think it's disrespectful to the deceased spouse and the rest of the grieving family to get truly serious about someone until it's been at least a year. The first Christmas without my dad, featuring 'new grandpa' for my kids, was a really raw experience for the entire family.


I agree and understand.

Did she try to force the kids to call him grandpa when they first met him?

My dad was online dating within weeks after my mom passed. Found out he was bringing my just turned five year old niece who grandma watched every day since birth and who was very close to her, into the room to "help grandpa pick your new grandma."

His selfishness messed her up for a long time and really destroyed her chance to healthily and naturally grieve the loss of her beloved grandma and primary caregiver.

There is an incredible level of selfishness in gleefully foisting their sex life on the rest of the grieving family weeks or months after a parent died.


Yes, asked the grandkids to call him grandpa and got very upset when my siblings and I said no to our kids referring to him that way. She even cut off her relationship with my five year old because he said he didn't like the boyfriend and thus 'wasn't supportive enough'. Time went on and we all really like her boyfriend but it is something I'm sure we'll never forget. Her relationship with my son is ok now, but definitely not what it used to be.


I'm sorry about your mom.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:58     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parent moved on right away, I think it's disrespectful to the deceased spouse and the rest of the grieving family to get truly serious about someone until it's been at least a year. The first Christmas without my dad, featuring 'new grandpa' for my kids, was a really raw experience for the entire family.


I agree and understand.

Did she try to force the kids to call him grandpa when they first met him?

My dad was online dating within weeks after my mom passed. Found out he was bringing my just turned five year old niece who grandma watched every day since birth and who was very close to her, into the room to "help grandpa pick your new grandma."

His selfishness messed her up for a long time and really destroyed her chance to healthily and naturally grieve the loss of her beloved grandma and primary caregiver.

There is an incredible level of selfishness in gleefully foisting their sex life on the rest of the grieving family weeks or months after a parent died.


Yes, asked the grandkids to call him grandpa and got very upset when my siblings and I said no to our kids referring to him that way. She even cut off her relationship with my five year old because he said he didn't like the boyfriend and thus 'wasn't supportive enough'. Time went on and we all really like her boyfriend but it is something I'm sure we'll never forget. Her relationship with my son is ok now, but definitely not what it used to be.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:43     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. It was horrible for all the grieving children and tore our family apart. The kind of women who sweep down to try to capture a grieving widow are not the kind of women one wants in their family.

I would say waiting one year when the headstone is placed is most appropriate. Second best would be wait until your kids make it through the firsts of major holidays (bday, Christmas, Mother's Day).

If you can't do that, wait until the family can get the nerve to clean out mom's closet.

At the very least, wait until the kids can get through a full week without crying over the loss of their mom.

If you can't at least do that then you are a jackass.


You realize that every single one of your benchmarks is about the children, even if they are adults. What about the dad, whose life it actually is?


The dad's primary role after the death of his spouse is to help his non adult children through the grieving process of the loss of their mom. His second responsibility is to his primary family unit.

His new sex partners fall down the line.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:40     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parent moved on right away, I think it's disrespectful to the deceased spouse and the rest of the grieving family to get truly serious about someone until it's been at least a year. The first Christmas without my dad, featuring 'new grandpa' for my kids, was a really raw experience for the entire family.


I agree and understand.

Did she try to force the kids to call him grandpa when they first met him?

My dad was online dating within weeks after my mom passed. Found out he was bringing my just turned five year old niece who grandma watched every day since birth and who was very close to her, into the room to "help grandpa pick your new grandma."

His selfishness messed her up for a long time and really destroyed her chance to healthily and naturally grieve the loss of her beloved grandma and primary caregiver.

There is an incredible level of selfishness in gleefully foisting their sex life on the rest of the grieving family weeks or months after a parent died.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:36     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. It was horrible for all the grieving children and tore our family apart. The kind of women who sweep down to try to capture a grieving widow are not the kind of women one wants in their family.

I would say waiting one year when the headstone is placed is most appropriate. Second best would be wait until your kids make it through the firsts of major holidays (bday, Christmas, Mother's Day).

If you can't do that, wait until the family can get the nerve to clean out mom's closet.

At the very least, wait until the kids can get through a full week without crying over the loss of their mom.

If you can't at least do that then you are a jackass.


You realize that every single one of your benchmarks is about the children, even if they are adults. What about the dad, whose life it actually is?


Have you ever lost a parent? It is profound, even if you are an adult child. In OP's case, she's asking about someone who has children young enough to need care. People are obviously free to ignore what PP said was a respectable timeframe for her, but the grieving spouses actions have consequences to the families around them.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:30     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Stop judging, OP. You're not him, you don't know how he feels, and it's his life to live. You care? Then go spend time with the kids and help them through this.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:29     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
As someone whose parent moved on right away, I think it's disrespectful to the deceased spouse and the rest of the grieving family to get truly serious about someone until it's been at least a year. The first Christmas without my dad, featuring 'new grandpa' for my kids, was a really raw experience for the entire family.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:27     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
30 days
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2016 23:23     Subject: How long do you think is a respectable time to mourn the death of a spouse?
Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. It was horrible for all the grieving children and tore our family apart. The kind of women who sweep down to try to capture a grieving widow are not the kind of women one wants in their family.

I would say waiting one year when the headstone is placed is most appropriate. Second best would be wait until your kids make it through the firsts of major holidays (bday, Christmas, Mother's Day).

If you can't do that, wait until the family can get the nerve to clean out mom's closet.

At the very least, wait until the kids can get through a full week without crying over the loss of their mom.

If you can't at least do that then you are a jackass.


You realize that every single one of your benchmarks is about the children, even if they are adults. What about the dad, whose life it actually is?