This thread is crazy, and I suspect largely filled with the responses from parents of younger children.

OP, you certainly have every right to have taken the phone, and your daughter was being fairly awful. BUT (and it is a big but).

1. You set her up.
You didn't react when this was small. My words when I don't want my son using his phone at a family event are straightforward. "Kiddo, please put your phone away now. Tell whoever you need to go and put it away. You can check in later." Usually he does it, but there was some training to get us there.

You stayed pissed all day and then after all evidence suggests you were fine with her behavior, you dropped the atomic bomb of punishments, without even letting her bow out of the conversation she was in.

2. What's your goal?
Teens are tough and they are generally crazy. You aren't going to get a perfectly behaved child that respects you every minute. If that's the goal I suggest you head to parenting class now.

Anything that you do that results in serious out-of-proportion yelling and drama was probably mishandled and will backfire.

You got obedience, but you will most certainly pay for this.

3. Hard earned lesson by me: solve any given problem when it is small or WATCH OUT.

Anonymous wrote:

Disagree with both of you.
OP's daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. Short version: being a hardass and showing who is boss and "dominant" doesn't work on every kid. OP does not want to start the war of control.

Not the PP you're responding to but I agree with them (I have teenagers). The approach is not one 'showing who's boss' but of logic consequences. The key is to do it without emotion and not engaging. OP sets the conditions for the return of the phone. DD controls when she gets it. Requiring civil conversation is not being dominant, it is setting limits.

Exactly. This isn't about the daughter wanting to take Spanish class and the mother wants her to take German. This is about the daughter willfully defying the parents with a phone THEY"RE PAYING FOR. When she can't handle it, it's their job to take this PRIVILEGE away and set the conditions for return.
--parent of a 15 and 12 year old

Disagree with both of you.
OP's daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. Short version: being a hardass and showing who is boss and "dominant" doesn't work on every kid. OP does not want to start the war of control.

Not the PP you're responding to but I agree with them (I have teenagers). The approach is not one 'showing who's boss' but of logic consequences. The key is to do it without emotion and not engaging. OP sets the conditions for the return of the phone. DD controls when she gets it. Requiring civil conversation is not being dominant, it is setting limits.

Anonymous wrote:1. You should have discussed phone behavior before hand.

2. You should have had her put her phone away at dinner.

3. You shouldn't have tried to have a rational conversation with a 13 year old at 10 pm. The way you approached her was very confrontational and asking to get the outcome you got. Basically you were embarrassed by her behavior at dinner and because you didn't deal with it appropriately at the time you went into over drive and wanted to show her who was boss.

4. I think you've overreacted with the punishment that's going to get you nowhere fast.

5. It's pretty clear something is going on with her. Good luck figuring it out now that you've created a power struggle.

Yeah this is totally on you OP you should have done 1. and 2.

Have YOU apologized to your sister and her guests for this? You should do, asap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 15 year old here:
Yes, you should have shut down the phone use before dinner. But you didn't. Okay. It was a choice and there's no going back in time.

Your response after dinner was fine. Her refusal to give up the phone means she is not getting it back until Dec 5 (I picked that since it's a Monday. She needs another weekend without it.) She needs to understand that her response to you was so unacceptable and that you're not playing around. You giveth the phone and you taketh the phone. Period.

Let her mope away all weekend. And let know when she'll get it back. Write it on the calendar in the kitchen. She'll be a major drama queen. But she doesn't get to terrorize the family. One disrespectful, nasty comment from her results in her getting the phone on Dec 6. The second comment results in Dec 7. And so on.

Shut this nonsense down. Stay calm and stay united with your spouse. You'll all get through it. And she'll be perfectly fine without a phone until Dec 5.

Mom of 18 and 13 year olds. I agree with this 100% with all of this (including that you never should have let her have her phone during dinner). Remain impassive. DD can mope all weekend if she wants. Do not respond or engage in discussions about the phone. If she starts haranguing you about it, give a warning that if she speaks about it again, you will keep the phone for another day, and then walk away. Remain calm.

Do not cave on this. That would be a major mistake.

Disagree with both of you.
OP's daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. Short version: being a hardass and showing who is boss and "dominant" doesn't work on every kid. OP does not want to start the war of control.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not have approached this in a soft, joking way during dinner. "Hey Larla, we miss you! Larla, come to the table." What you did was so heavy handed and after the fact.

How old are are your kids?

Not pp, but my kids are 19 and 21 and I agree with the approach. Sometimes you can be too quick to jump to the tough guy teen parenting act.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not have approached this in a soft, joking way during dinner. "Hey Larla, we miss you! Larla, come to the table." What you did was so heavy handed and after the fact.

How old are are your kids?

Hehehe

Why in the hell did you let her be a brat DURING dinner. The should have shut that shit down WHILE it was happening. I'd also seriously consider cancelling the phone altogether for her overall behavior

As the mom, it is MY phone. Behavior such as you describe means I take my phone back.

Anonymous wrote:You didn't care enough to manage her phone obsession until it embarrassed you on a major holiday in front of family. Shame on you.

Thanks Troll who doesn't have any teenage children, if any at all.

Typical DC teen. My DD put the phone down during dinner, thankfully, without me telling her. Sounds like you never thought your DD manners at home and now you are surprised she has none. Again, nothing out of ordinary in this area.

You didn't care enough to manage her phone obsession until it embarrassed you on a major holiday in front of family. Shame on you.

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 15 year old here:
Yes, you should have shut down the phone use before dinner. But you didn't. Okay. It was a choice and there's no going back in time.

Your response after dinner was fine. Her refusal to give up the phone means she is not getting it back until Dec 5 (I picked that since it's a Monday. She needs another weekend without it.) She needs to understand that her response to you was so unacceptable and that you're not playing around. You giveth the phone and you taketh the phone. Period.

Let her mope away all weekend. And let know when she'll get it back. Write it on the calendar in the kitchen. She'll be a major drama queen. But she doesn't get to terrorize the family. One disrespectful, nasty comment from her results in her getting the phone on Dec 6. The second comment results in Dec 7. And so on.

Shut this nonsense down. Stay calm and stay united with your spouse. You'll all get through it. And she'll be perfectly fine without a phone until Dec 5.

Mom of 18 and 13 year olds. I agree with this 100% with all of this (including that you never should have let her have her phone during dinner). Remain impassive. DD can mope all weekend if she wants. Do not respond or engage in discussions about the phone. If she starts haranguing you about it, give a warning that if she speaks about it again, you will keep the phone for another day, and then walk away. Remain calm.

Do not cave on this. That would be a major mistake.

Anonymous wrote:Title: Parents of Teens Still Not Understanding Teens or
Mom Capriciously Doles Out Mammoth Punishment, Assuses Teen of Overreaction, Hasn't a Clue Why This Upsets Teen or
The teen version: My Mother Ruined My Life At Thanksgiving
CNN version: Thanksgiving Mom Held in Violation of 8th Amendment

Parenting a teen is different from parenting a 3 yr old. Buy a book if you don't remember being a teen.

Anonymous wrote:1. You should have discussed phone behavior before hand.

2. You should have had her put her phone away at dinner.

3. You shouldn't have tried to have a rational conversation with a 13 year old at 10 pm. The way you approached her was very confrontational and asking to get the outcome you got. Basically you were embarrassed by her behavior at dinner and because you didn't deal with it appropriately at the time you went into over drive and wanted to show her who was boss.

4. I think you've overreacted with the punishment that's going to get you nowhere fast.

5. It's pretty clear something is going on with her. Good luck figuring it out now that you've created a power struggle.

+1