Anonymous wrote: I realize that I might be training them to let their partner handle things, but I'd prefer that over being petty or controlling.

You know there are more than two ways of having a marriage. It's not "wife manages DH's family for him" or "wife is petty and controlling." Maybe focus on training your sons to build and maintain their own relationships with family members.

Sending my in-laws the occasional gift, and making time to see them as much as we see my parents, doesn't really take that much time in comparison to the rest of the day to day household responsibilities. For my part, I definitely control the vacation schedule, and I like it that way, so I don't mind taking on some of the responsibility to see my in-laws.

I have all boys so I try hard to not complain about my in-laws and treat both sides equally. I hope that if my boys ever get married, they will marry someone who will do the same. I realize that I might be training them to let their partner handle things, but I'd prefer that over being petty or controlling.

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy gifts for my in laws. He doesn't buy gifts for my parents. I manage my family and he manages his. If he forgets to send a mother's day/godchild's bday/family wedding present then that's on him. I'm not his secretary.

+1 I will remind him of family events/birthdays/etc if I remember, and he does the same for me. But I don't manage his relationships with his family, or vice versa. All the PPs decrying how mean OP is don't seem to realize that no one ever expects a husband to manage his wife's relations with her family, but somehow it's terrible and cruel when the wife won't manage the husband's. If it were really a priority the husband would do it himself. No one is "too busy" to send a birthday card or order a Christmas gift on Amazon.

I used to send gifts and cards and framed pictures of the kids until MIL had a screaming match at me and accused me of not letting her see the kids. That's when I stopped everything and told husband it was all on him now. They haven't received a thing because he doesn't think ahead and is extremely lazy. We don't see them hardly at all anymore either.

I have told all of them, if they want a relationship with their son great then they can all figure it out. For example if you fil wants to go to lunch with husband, great. Call him, text him or email him. I'm out. But they still blame me and I truly don't get it. "He's your son, call him , go to lunch and yes he needs to call you too. "

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we both work. he is just not great at selecting presents and getting it done and i like doing it. OP, how hard is it really to be kind, pick a few things off of amazon and call it a day? surely there are some things your husband does that you dont want to/arent good at. this seems like a silly battle to fight. and a selfish one.

DH either assuming OP will do this, or he simply will not do this for his family because he is an asshole is one thing.

DH and OP sitting down and having an adult discussion about how they will handle gifts/cards/family acknowledgments is quite another.

It's fine for a wife to take on this "emotional labor," but it shouldn't be a given/a cultural or gendered norm/unacknowledged effort.

What, you mean having lady bits doesn't automatically make you better at gift giving!?!?!? And here I thought that extra X chromosome carried all the natural born talent for gift giving, cooking, and thank you card writing.

My DH is so much better at getting gifts for his family than I will ever be. If he ever tried to pass it off to me, I'd refuse.

Anonymous wrote:we both work. he is just not great at selecting presents and getting it done and i like doing it. OP, how hard is it really to be kind, pick a few things off of amazon and call it a day? surely there are some things your husband does that you dont want to/arent good at. this seems like a silly battle to fight. and a selfish one.

DH either assuming OP will do this, or he simply will not do this for his family because he is an asshole is one thing.

DH and OP sitting down and having an adult discussion about how they will handle gifts/cards/family acknowledgments is quite another.

It's fine for a wife to take on this "emotional labor," but it shouldn't be a given/a cultural or gendered norm/unacknowledged effort.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have nieces and nephews on his side? If you get gifts for nieces nephews on your side, but not his side, I think that's cruel.

I understand the other stuff - but for kids, you're also their aunt.

NP here. We give to grown nieces and nephews on DH's side, but not my side - no particular reason. We are closest to the cousins on my side, but don't gift. We stopped the adult gifting years ago. Some ILs who want to make a point still do it, but that's on them, not me. They clearly don't need anything. Everyone gives to MIL - I really, really doubt it is for the right reasons (she is a miser, so most people would see it as sucking up to her, but she is too dumb to notice, since this is anon).

we both work. he is just not great at selecting presents and getting it done and i like doing it. OP, how hard is it really to be kind, pick a few things off of amazon and call it a day? surely there are some things your husband does that you dont want to/arent good at. this seems like a silly battle to fight. and a selfish one.

Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you don't like his family. If you did like them, I'd say it's kinder to just do some kind of easy present like magazine subscription, hat-and-scarf, Harry & David, etc. Or order everything from Amazon and have it delivered directly to them. They know it's from you, and it's an easy way to do something nice. But if you don't want to, then don't.

This is so messed up. Would you assume her DH dislikes her family because he doesn't get gifts for them and send cards?

Adults need to take responsibility for their own actions - and no, you don't get a pass just because you're married.

Good for you, OP! I have stepped back and now let my dh deal with 99% of anything related to his family. Funny thing is, when I stepped back and stopped the reminders, his sister stepped up, and now she reminds him call their father on Father's Day, etc.

The things that really bugs me is that he has proven over and over again that he is fully capable of remember things that are important to him. A weekend trip to see a football game? Wow, he plans it, makes reservations, remembers to go, not a thing falls through the cracks. That's why I don't remind him about a damn thing.

ILs live abroad. When my husband's nieces and nephews were little, we would bring gifts for them when we spent Christmas in their country. However, now we don't get together for Christmas at all and we don't send presents by mail. They don't get anything for us, except MIL who sends money for our kids. We give presents to MIL, but not every year.

Gifts are completely over-rated!

I've been married 20 years and I stopped doing gifts for his family about 10 or 12 years ago. His sister is a disaster at getting gifts out on time so it was really her who suggested the gift exchange stop - b-day and Christmas.

DH has figured out how to use 1-800-Flowers.com to send his Mom flowers for her birthday and Mother's Day. I send Harry & David baskets to both sets of parents. They get photos throughout the year. Oh, and I make FIL an annual desk calendar because he was so effusive about the first one and he acknowledged that I made it.

This is one of the hold-over responsibilities that are based solely on gender. I was ready for it to go by the wayside.

And, DH does all his own Christmas cards and thank you notes. Once he realized that I would never do it again, he stepped up.

My DH takes care of his friends and family and I take care of mine. Because we are both capable adults.

My husbands family is fully his to manage and I've made that clear (in a polite way) to all involved. If he cares about his parents getting gifts for xmas, bdays etc he can get them. If thats a big deal in his family (as he claims its not) that's his choice too. I will never get in the way of the relationship and will happily join in any plans, but I will not take on trying to keep more people happy than I'm already responsible especially when they're HIS PARENTS.

Ugh, I can relate to this mess. My husband wanted our whole family to go to lunch with his college buddies the other day. It was in Arlington, a significant drive from where we are. I said that's fine, it will be nice to see everyone.

Saturday morning comes and goes. I'm not thinking of this event as it is not my group of friends. He gets a text from his buddies saying where are you guys?

He comes in and has the nerve to ask me why I didn't remind him/say anything. I told him it's his friends, I gave my consent to go, but putting it on his calendar and determining what time we needed to leave and packing the diaper bag were HIS JOBS, so it's too bad that HE forgot about HIS friends.

Because enough already.