Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 09:09     Subject: DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those saying DIL should have "discussed it first"--please explain this to me because I sincerely don't get it. We, a financially independent, grown-up couple discussed what we wanted to do for a major holiday this year and came to a decision. As I see it, the next step is just to inform anyone who may be effected by that decision. Why would we need to discuss it with anyone else? Truly. If I already know what I'm going to do, there's no discussion to be had. If I wanted a really big family party, I might call someone to discuss if there was anyone else it would be nice to invite, but if the point is to keep it small, then we likely chose the guest list carefully. Calling someone (esp. what sounds like a pretty critical MIL) to discuss gives the false impression that it is open to debate. What if it was a done deal? How does one announce that without being in the wrong?


I think it's very weird to announce a change in family tradition via evite. It's very passive aggressive.

I'm a DIL who discussed with my DH and decided we wanted to host Christmas for the first time this year, as our kids are getting to the age where Santa is a big deal and want to stay home. We made this decision but then DH had to gently break the news to his mother, over the summer, since it was a change in family tradition. IMO that's the right thing to do- she wasn't very happy but I feel like an evite announcement would have been over the top.


This. Handling this through an evite is what is odd and understandably disturbing to op. I'm another DIL, not a MIL. It's fine to decide you want to host or do your own thing different from a long-standing tradition, but that's worth a phone call or at least an individual email, not a group Evite. That's pretty cold.

If I were op, I'd call my son and ask him what's up, see what he has to say and go from there.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 09:03     Subject: DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It IS a done deal. THEY will be hosting thanksgiving at THEIR home with THEIR guests. You can choose to join them because you want to see your child/grandchildren, or you can choose to host your own guests in your own home because that is an important tradition for you. Either is fine and valid. What you don't get to do is badmouth them for choosing a different way of celebrating or attempt to host your guests at their home.


+1. You're inventing drama where there is none, OP.


I don't know what your holiday traditions are. But, if they were suddenly changed, without a simple discussion or heads up, it would be weird. People normally discuss big family plans or do what they always do without a discussion. If grandma always hosts, someone talks to grandma before making a big change.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 08:59     Subject: Re:DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm on OP's side here, and I'm a DIL, not a MIL. If there's a long-standing family tradition for Thanksgiving, which it sounds like there is in this case, then it seems unkind to me for the son and DIL to jump in and change it without even mentioning it to OP first. It's not that OP has the right to host Thanksgiving forever, but the way DIL did this was very thoughtless.


+1000


The big thing is that you don't announce changes right before the holiday but months earlier. We changed our family tradition this year. Disgusted it in July.

At this point, OPs friends assume they are coming.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 08:22     Subject: DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:For those saying DIL should have "discussed it first"--please explain this to me because I sincerely don't get it. We, a financially independent, grown-up couple discussed what we wanted to do for a major holiday this year and came to a decision. As I see it, the next step is just to inform anyone who may be effected by that decision. Why would we need to discuss it with anyone else? Truly. If I already know what I'm going to do, there's no discussion to be had. If I wanted a really big family party, I might call someone to discuss if there was anyone else it would be nice to invite, but if the point is to keep it small, then we likely chose the guest list carefully. Calling someone (esp. what sounds like a pretty critical MIL) to discuss gives the false impression that it is open to debate. What if it was a done deal? How does one announce that without being in the wrong?


I think it's very weird to announce a change in family tradition via evite. It's very passive aggressive.

I'm a DIL who discussed with my DH and decided we wanted to host Christmas for the first time this year, as our kids are getting to the age where Santa is a big deal and want to stay home. We made this decision but then DH had to gently break the news to his mother, over the summer, since it was a change in family tradition. IMO that's the right thing to do- she wasn't very happy but I feel like an evite announcement would have been over the top.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 07:47     Subject: DIL invite
For those saying DIL should have "discussed it first"--please explain this to me because I sincerely don't get it. We, a financially independent, grown-up couple discussed what we wanted to do for a major holiday this year and came to a decision. As I see it, the next step is just to inform anyone who may be effected by that decision. Why would we need to discuss it with anyone else? Truly. If I already know what I'm going to do, there's no discussion to be had. If I wanted a really big family party, I might call someone to discuss if there was anyone else it would be nice to invite, but if the point is to keep it small, then we likely chose the guest list carefully. Calling someone (esp. what sounds like a pretty critical MIL) to discuss gives the false impression that it is open to debate. What if it was a done deal? How does one announce that without being in the wrong?
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 03:46     Subject: Re:DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:I'm on OP's side here, and I'm a DIL, not a MIL. If there's a long-standing family tradition for Thanksgiving, which it sounds like there is in this case, then it seems unkind to me for the son and DIL to jump in and change it without even mentioning it to OP first. It's not that OP has the right to host Thanksgiving forever, but the way DIL did this was very thoughtless.


+1000
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 02:05     Subject: Re:DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PPs. I think this is very weird and presumptuous that she did this without discussing it.


I think it's weird too...
You would think your son and DIL would at least tell you.
Also, the evite is "unusual"

Although, OP, you can absolutely not invite your lifelong friends to their home!
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 01:41     Subject: DIL invite
How well do you know DIL? Maybe the reason DIL is hosting a Thanksgiving dinner has to do more to do with her family and their needs, and it's not a deliberate attempt to usurp your traditions. She may have sent invitations to everyone because maybe that's how her family operates and sent one to you at the same time to be inclusive.

Maybe your son intended to discuss their plans with you, but has been swamped at work and hasn't gotten around to it yet. He may not even be aware of the invitations or that they've gone out -- sometimes busy couples don't get everything communicated or coordinated with each other right away. Give them the benefit of the doubt and be gracious. Talk to your son.

Anonymous
Post 11/05/2016 00:22     Subject: Re:DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:I'm on OP's side here, and I'm a DIL, not a MIL. If there's a long-standing family tradition for Thanksgiving, which it sounds like there is in this case, then it seems unkind to me for the son and DIL to jump in and change it without even mentioning it to OP first. It's not that OP has the right to host Thanksgiving forever, but the way DIL did this was very thoughtless.


Agree, except I blame DIL and OPs son.

OP, if they don't want to host your friends, what will you do?
Anonymous
Post 11/04/2016 23:39     Subject: DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:I disagree that OP can't ask her DIL to include her family friends. DIL surely knows of this tradition. If it's only a couple people, you could CALMLY approach DIL/son and ask if they would consider including your family friends. If they say no, however, you do NOT throw a fit. You either decline the invite to be with friends or go knowing that friends were not invited.


+1

Be an adult about it.
Anonymous
Post 11/04/2016 23:35     Subject: Re:DIL invite
Maybe your DIL is hosting to give you a break? I would talk to her but, I would not tell her whom to invite. If you are not tired of hosting perhaps and you want your friends to come over then just say that. Then she can respond, I'm sorry and we will miss you or do you want me to invite your friends?

In our family it was tradition for us to go to DH's aunt and uncle's house. His cousins/spouses/children were also there and it was a fun big gathering for about ten years. Then they got older and things changed. We didn't have a big discussion but, we knew since they were getting older that they were tired of hosting. Couple of times we invited them or just had Thanksgiving by ourselves.

Now that our kids are teens we have decided not to travel and to have a no fuss Thanksgiving. New traditions are fun. Perhaps your friends want to try something new too?
Anonymous
Post 11/04/2016 23:24     Subject: DIL invite
It's time to pass the torch op. She's a married adult and she should get a chance to host to. Although as a DIL that hosts thanksgiving, I DO invite friends and family that have been a part of the tradition.
Anonymous
Post 11/04/2016 23:18     Subject: DIL invite
I think you should talk to your son. It sounds like you don't have very good communication with him. In my family, I'd approach it as - hey, got this evite from you? It looks like you ant to do your own thing for Thanksgiving?

See what he says.

Then, well, you know, part of our tradition is hosting Bob and Mabel - we've been having thanksgiving with them for over 10 years. I'm wondering if there's a way we can see you and still have Bob and Mabel, too?

Just ask lots of indirect questions and listen to what he says....and doesn't say.
Anonymous
Post 11/04/2016 23:16     Subject: DIL invite
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your SON discuss it with you?


+1 And, your 'lifelong friends' are not her friends. It sounds like your DS and DIL want to start their own tradition. Don't know why you're blaming it on your DIL.


That's all well and good. But when there has been a long family tradition of Thanksgiving being at a certain house with multiple guests, it would have been an awesome idea to discuss this. My sister has hosted for the past 10 years. It's been tradition. So if I (or someone else) were to all of a sudden send and Evite to their Tgiving, without a word, it would be incredibly rude. And then to exclude a portion of people who have always been apart of the tradition, is terrible. Good for her for wanting to start her own tradition, but don't expect everyone else to be on board. This could have been avoided or figured out if it had been discussed.
Anonymous
Post 11/04/2016 23:10     Subject: DIL invite
I disagree that OP can't ask her DIL to include her family friends. DIL surely knows of this tradition. If it's only a couple people, you could CALMLY approach DIL/son and ask if they would consider including your family friends. If they say no, however, you do NOT throw a fit. You either decline the invite to be with friends or go knowing that friends were not invited.