Anonymous wrote:It never goes away. The affair fog is ... still here, 3 years later.

Still together or broke up 3 years ago?

It never goes away. The affair fog is ... still here, 3 years later.

I had that. Wife cheated and I just lost the ability to get mad, sad, everything. It was strange, I emotionally shit off. It eventually came back and manifested into anger in which I told the therapist and XW I was finished. Nothing was going to change my mind. I had checked out.

OP, you can't have it both ways. You are not going to make him be the guy he was on your wedding day. No, you don't necessarily have to suffer financially because of his choices. But you are not going to get him back the way he was and he has apparently decided this woman is not going anywhere.

Yes, it sucks! And it is painful and humiliating to have been lied to.

The only thing you can choose is to deal with it for the time being (or at least until he forces a decision), or split up and move on. Granted, both your choices are unfair because this woman's presence in his life is not of your choice. Both have positives and negatives. You are just going to have to figure which set of challenges brings you, personally, the least distress and upheaval. And then at least you can say to yourself you are living a certain way by choice.

No one else's opinion about what you privately choose matters.

However if you choose to acknowledge that he's going to have this relationship, you'll at least have the satisfaction of taking away the exciting secrecy and putting the onus on him to define what's going on. The AP poster is right, some people who have already been divorced do not want to get married again, they just want the company and the regular sex with none of the other hard parts of marriage. 8 years of this without ever confronting you means he probably doesn't want to be with her that way. He's not even into dealing with the responsibility of one marriage, why would he want another one?

I feel for you. As someone else said, get the numbers and go from there so you know exactly what you are choosing to do.

Anonymous wrote:The OW may not want to be married to the husband. She may just like the "romance".

+1. I have no interest in marrying your DH. We're just two flawed individuals making crappy long term decisions in favor of short term escapes into fantasy. I'm sure we both think we'll never get caught. I'm sure we both love our spouses. I'm certain we both suck judged from the exterior. I know we both like the thrill and don't even completely understand why we risk so much for what equates to a cheap thrill.

AP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Even the tough love posters.

I don't think I am rationalizing or blaming the OW. The blame rests squarely with my husband. Was I the perfect wife? No. But he is the one who broke the marriage.

My financial concerns are that he makes the majority of the HHI, and even if I worked FT, my earning power is about $75k max. Our HHI is $170k, and he makes $130k of that. My job is the flexible one, and I have been able to take breaks from working when DD was young, and then set my hours to avoid having to pay for childcare. If we divorce, we will have a lot less money, and DD's lifestyle will suffer. My husband will actually be better off financially with the OW than with me, even if I get the house, child support, and alimoney.

I posted because I wanted to be sure I wasn't leaving any chance of a good life for my daughter on the table, but everyone agrees I should leave, so I guess I will be looking for divorce attorneys this weekend.

You really need to run the numbers with an attorney. You will get half of everything - half equity in house, half of your total combined savings and retirement, etc.) your attorney will be able to tell you how much child support you get, plus possibly alimony in the short term. You will probably split the cost of uncovered medical expenses, child care, extra-curricular activities and academic costs proportionally according to income.

Don't make a decision until you look at the numbers. With one child, you can easily cut your housing expenses. IME, I would rather live modestly with my dignity intact. My kids don't care that we lived in an apartment without a lot of bling.

Why should DD and I have to live in a shitty apartment just because he changed his mind?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sorry OP. Is there any possibility you and your husband could have an open relationship, or a poly relationship? Are you happy outside of this?

Great question. I think the answer is yes. I am not OP, but it seems she is actually okay with this, other than the idea that it should not be happening. I would have to hear some other explanation for how she stayed with him after all these years and DH continuously returning.

I am not OK with an open marriage. I am not ok with my husband having sex with other people.. I stayed the first time because he said he ended it with her. The second time, he told me I was being anxious and paranoid and there was nothing going on, and by continuing to harass her, I was putting his job in jeopardy. The second time I didn't have incriminating evidence; just an email about a group lunch that she was on (he invited several colleagues to lunch, including her). But I had a hunch...

Anyway, I don't want to stay and let him continue to have an affair with her. I want him to hold up his end of the commitment bargain we made on our wedding day.

This is about you, not DCUM. Do what makes sense to you, don't let an anon Internet forum push you into a decision.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Even the tough love posters.

I don't think I am rationalizing or blaming the OW. The blame rests squarely with my husband. Was I the perfect wife? No. But he is the one who broke the marriage.

My financial concerns are that he makes the majority of the HHI, and even if I worked FT, my earning power is about $75k max. Our HHI is $170k, and he makes $130k of that. My job is the flexible one, and I have been able to take breaks from working when DD was young, and then set my hours to avoid having to pay for childcare. If we divorce, we will have a lot less money, and DD's lifestyle will suffer. My husband will actually be better off financially with the OW than with me, even if I get the house, child support, and alimoney.

I posted because I wanted to be sure I wasn't leaving any chance of a good life for my daughter on the table, but everyone agrees I should leave, so I guess I will be looking for divorce attorneys this weekend.

You really need to run the numbers with an attorney. You will get half of everything - half equity in house, half of your total combined savings and retirement, etc.) your attorney will be able to tell you how much child support you get, plus possibly alimony in the short term. You will probably split the cost of uncovered medical expenses, child care, extra-curricular activities and academic costs proportionally according to income.

Don't make a decision until you look at the numbers. With one child, you can easily cut your housing expenses. IME, I would rather live modestly with my dignity intact. My kids don't care that we lived in an apartment without a lot of bling.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sorry OP. Is there any possibility you and your husband could have an open relationship, or a poly relationship? Are you happy outside of this?

Great question. I think the answer is yes. I am not OP, but it seems she is actually okay with this, other than the idea that it should not be happening. I would have to hear some other explanation for how she stayed with him after all these years and DH continuously returning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8 years is not a fog or an affair - it's a long-term mistress/second life. I'm sorry OP.

Not really. It's a mental illness/addiction.

That's if you actually believe in sex addition - Id say its more of an excuse to fool around a lot - why not blame it on addition - seems easy enough.

I think compulsive use of sex to boost self esteem, or to deal with anxiety and depression is very different than just wanting more sex.

You can call it an addiction, or a poor coping mechanism or a compulsion.

But it has nothing to do with the marriage, it is a problem the cheater has that the spouse can not help, much like an alcohol addiction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8 years is not a fog or an affair - it's a long-term mistress/second life. I'm sorry OP.

Not really. It's a mental illness/addiction.

That's if you actually believe in sex addition - Id say its more of an excuse to fool around a lot - why not blame it on addition - seems easy enough.

Ugh, sorry OP. Is there any possibility you and your husband could have an open relationship, or a poly relationship? Are you happy outside of this?

It always helps to think about practical issues related to whether you and your daughter would be better off continuing to live under one roof with him or better on your own. You'll take such a hit financially that in my opinion, if you can disengage from him emotionally and still stay put, at least for the immediate future, you and your daughter may be better off. It's what I have done in a similar situation. I did not regret it, though it was emotionally hard. Make your own space in the house, start telling yourself you're roommates, and let some time pass as you sort yourself out.

The OW may not want to be married to the husband. She may just like the "romance".