Anonymous wrote:If DW were to stop putting energy into our sex life I'd stop putting energy into our relationship.

I'd start doing more things on my own.

If my spouse gives me a crappy gift.
If I want 1 more kid and my spouse doesn't
If I do all the housework
If I make all the money
If they don't make enough money
If they spend too much money
If they get fat
If they .....

this can go on forever... you can make up any excuse in the world to not want to "put energy into the relationship" but it's just an excuse and a way to blame others for your own actions/inactions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sex is only good for me when the intimacy is high. Don't get me wrong, the sex is important, but it SUCKS when intimacy is missing with my husband. I think for both of us.

+100

curious (and I posted about this recently) if it has always been this way? did you have the strong emotional connection with past lovers too? part of me thinks that when DWs say they need a strong emotional connection in order to have sex is a way to mask a lower drive than their DHs.

Not PP but I think for me... i need intimacy to have sex with the same person over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... again.

But 1 night stands and kick them out ... no intimacy needed... but get your a$$ out of here, really, before the sun comes up please. out... out... out.

ok, ONS aside, how about past BFs? Especially if you dated a jerk or narcissist who treated you poorly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sex is only good for me when the intimacy is high. Don't get me wrong, the sex is important, but it SUCKS when intimacy is missing with my husband. I think for both of us.

+100

curious (and I posted about this recently) if it has always been this way? did you have the strong emotional connection with past lovers too? part of me thinks that when DWs say they need a strong emotional connection in order to have sex is a way to mask a lower drive than their DHs.

Not PP but I think for me... i need intimacy to have sex with the same person over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... again.

But 1 night stands and kick them out ... no intimacy needed... but get your a$$ out of here, really, before the sun comes up please. out... out... out.

If DW were to stop putting energy into our sex life I'd stop putting energy into our relationship.

I'd start doing more things on my own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The sex is only good for me when the intimacy is high. Don't get me wrong, the sex is important, but it SUCKS when intimacy is missing with my husband. I think for both of us.

+100

curious (and I posted about this recently) if it has always been this way? did you have the strong emotional connection with past lovers too? part of me thinks that when DWs say they need a strong emotional connection in order to have sex is a way to mask a lower drive than their DHs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here - I can't separate them. They are not one and the same but they are part of the same big picture. Intimacy is all encompassing and sex is a wonderful subset!

+1
From another dh

+1 - another DH. For me, I can't separate the two. The more sex DW and I have the more intimate (non-sexually) I am with her. We had a chat about this recently and she fully understands this now and appreciates my point of view. and we're having more sex and a s result, I am able to be more intimate with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel no connection without sex. If I'm not getting regular sex or my wife goes long bouts of not wanting sex I withdraw emotionally. Kind of counter-productive but I can't help the way I feel.

38 year old male

Yup. (1) For men, intimacy results from sex (doesn't have to result, but won't result without it). Take away the sex, the intimacy evaporates.

(2) For women, sex results from intimacy. Take away the intimacy, the sex evaporates.

Male here - I disagree, somewhat, with PP. If I didn't have an intimate relationship with my wife the sex would evaporate. She would view herself as being nothing more than a sperm bank where I make periodic deposits. At the same time if she said "I don't want to have sex anymore" I'm sure the intimacy would evaporate.

You are exactly agreeing with the PP.

"If I didn't have an intimate relationship with my wife the sex would evaporate. She would view herself as being nothing more than a sperm bank where I make periodic deposits." <-- that is because (2) For women, sex results from intimacy. Take away the intimacy, the sex evaporates.

"At the same time if she said "I don't want to have sex anymore" I'm sure the intimacy would evaporate." <-- that is because (1) For men, intimacy results from sex (doesn't have to result, but won't result without it). Take away the sex, the intimacy evaporates.

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. My wife and I both feel like we have a great marriage. I would rate sex first. Without it, I just don't feel connected to her. Normal conversations seem to turn to arguments more often for some reaon (even after just a week or so without). With sex I feel much more connected, in love, conversational and just overall wanting to invest more in the relationship. With really good sex I feel like I'm dating the hottest girl in the world.

I don't consciously decide to not feel connected - I even recognize it when I don't. When I try to force myself to feel the connection it doesn't work. I think that good regular sex is just part of the bonding process.

Conversation is important for her to feel connected so I make sure that I spend time every day talking to her without interruption (no TV, phones, etc).

What do you do to "force yourself to feel connected".

Guy here. My wife and I both feel like we have a great marriage. I would rate sex first. Without it, I just don't feel connected to her. Normal conversations seem to turn to arguments more often for some reaon (even after just a week or so without). With sex I feel much more connected, in love, conversational and just overall wanting to invest more in the relationship. With really good sex I feel like I'm dating the hottest girl in the world.

I don't consciously decide to not feel connected - I even recognize it when I don't. When I try to force myself to feel the connection it doesn't work. I think that good regular sex is just part of the bonding process.

Conversation is important for her to feel connected so I make sure that I spend time every day talking to her without interruption (no TV, phones, etc).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel no connection without sex. If I'm not getting regular sex or my wife goes long bouts of not wanting sex I withdraw emotionally. Kind of counter-productive but I can't help the way I feel.

38 year old male

Yup. For men, intimacy results from sex (doesn't have to result, but won't result without it). Take away the sex, the intimacy evaporates.

For women, sex results from intimacy. Take away the intimacy, the sex evaporates.

Male here - I disagree, somewhat, with PP. If I didn't have an intimate relationship with my wife the sex would evaporate. She would view herself as being nothing more than a sperm bank where I make periodic deposits. At the same time if she said "I don't want to have sex anymore" I'm sure the intimacy would evaporate.

Anonymous wrote:I feel no connection without sex. If I'm not getting regular sex or my wife goes long bouts of not wanting sex I withdraw emotionally. Kind of counter-productive but I can't help the way I feel.

38 year old male

Yup. For men, intimacy results from sex (doesn't have to result, but won't result without it). Take away the sex, the intimacy evaporates.

For women, sex results from intimacy. Take away the intimacy, the sex evaporates.

I didn't give much thought to the importance of emotional intimacy until my wife stopped giving it to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think that once the intimacy is established sex becomes the most important thing for men, for me anyway. If my wife and I are having regular good sex then my patience, kindness and willingness to please are high; I don't do it on purpose, I love my wife more than anything but I am far more likely to get up at 5 AM to go to the gas station to fill her tank if we had sex the night before.

You actually do it on purpose unless a evil spirit possesses your body.

You can love you wife and purposely hurt her too, you are human. But you lack patience, kindness and willingness to please because you lack self control not because you don't get sex.

Meditation will help you learn to control your mind body connection.

Wow talk about an asshole.

Hey! That's not cool lol!
Allow me to rephrase; I am a good, giving and fair partner no matter what is going on but if we are completely synced up I find myself noticing ways to make her day more than I would normally. I am not her servant nor is she mine but I don't mind playing the role once in a while if the mood strikes me
If that makes me an asshole then so be it but I don't think I'm alone.

Just because you are "not alone" does not mean it is okay... look at all the people that support Trump.

I am not the one that said you are an a**hole, I said you are human. It is human to not treat people nice based on your own selfishness, or to bean count or whatever you want to call it... but it is on purpose.

You don't reach out to your wife when she is disconnected... it is all on her to connect with you so you can "instinctively" be nice to her. That is not biological or something... it is on purpose. That is fine, that is your modus operandi, but don't pretend you don't have control over it.

But you could be a "better person" (that is a saying.. I am not judging whether you are good or bad) and fill up her car because you like being a "good person" not because of something she does or does not do. I fill up the car because it makes me feel good... not i fill up the car because I want my wife to think of me as a good person.

You said, "it is not on purpose" .... Not being nice when the sex is down is a choice... it is on purpose. You are not perfect, you are human... you are nicer to your wife when you are getting everything you want. That is a choice. That is all I am saying.

Do lots of people treat their spouse less when they are not getting what they want... you are not alone, but not in good company.

Anonymous wrote:I feel no connection without sex. If I'm not getting regular sex or my wife goes long bouts of not wanting sex I withdraw emotionally. Kind of counter-productive but I can't help the way I feel.

38 year old male

What is a long bout?

Anonymous wrote: I think that once the intimacy is established sex becomes the most important thing for men, for me anyway. If my wife and I are having regular good sex then my patience, kindness and willingness to please are high; I don't do it on purpose, I love my wife more than anything but I am far more likely to get up at 5 AM to go to the gas station to fill her tank if we had sex the night before.

my husband is *definitely* the same way.