OP, I am a stepmom to a now 22-year-old, and you are dead wrong. Wrong from the start.

The only thing you are right about is that her dad can't give in because she threatens to go to Mom's. In this case, he needs to talk with her now and say that he is glad that she had a good time with her friends and that he wants to talk about what happened. He needs to say he realized he was being unreasonable by not letting her Trick or Treat with her friends at first, and that they need to talk about how to communicate better because there will be other times when he may need to change his mind, but future threats to go back to her mom's will likely backfire. They can talk about how she can approach him to make her case and say what she feels and needs, so she can be sure he at least hears her.

As for you...you need to BUTT OUT. As someone who really hurt my marriage by constantly critiquing my DH's parenting of my SD, I can say that you have more power to help your SD by strengthening your marriage than you do by trying to change your DH's parenting. You will only push them both away from you if you keep this up.

Read Stepmonster. Focus on your child and your marriage. Let him parent his child.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

I used to spend all day at school with my friends. Then come home, walk the dog, and do homework with Andrea over the phone. Sometimes we'd three-way in Caryn. Then I'd eat dinner with the parents. Then I'd watch Party of Five, Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place while on the phone with friends from school. After two hours of that my father would tell me to get off the phone already. So I'd hang up, go to my bedroom, and call another friend until a half hour later when my mother would tell me to get off the phone. I spent a solid four or so hours on the phone with the SAME FRIENDS I SAW IN SCHOOL, after I got home from school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

Yu are actually even more wrong with this new info.

So what? Seeing your friends at school has nothing to do with trick or treating. You aren't helping your case.

OP, you are completely clueless! At 11 it doesn't matter one iota that you saw friends all day. The fun of Halloween is going out Trick or Treating with your friends.

It was her "Dad's" time so she couldn't see her friends. If you continue along these lines you are in for even more issues through her teen years. I feel bad for her.

You're not completely clueless about parenting but you don't think a kid should be allowed to go trick or treating with her friends?

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a 10yr old and a 6yr old, I can confirm for you OP that yes, you are indeed clueless about parenting a tween. Your well-tested tools for parenting your 6 year old are not the same tools as needed for parenting a child on the tail end of young childhood. The combination of emotions and more complex thinking and logic and childishness all rolled into one means "picking your battles" isn't as black and white.

I am fully aware I am in no position to advise on how to parent a full-fledged teenager. I'm still in the minor leagues. But a 6yr old is more like t-ball.

+1 on all counts...

(and yes, you are in no position to advise on parenting a teen, but as someone who does parent a teen (and parents quite badly many days), I can promise that your current humility will serve you well.)

As a parent of a 10yr old and a 6yr old, I can confirm for you OP that yes, you are indeed clueless about parenting a tween. Your well-tested tools for parenting your 6 year old are not the same tools as needed for parenting a child on the tail end of young childhood. The combination of emotions and more complex thinking and logic and childishness all rolled into one means "picking your battles" isn't as black and white.

I am fully aware I am in no position to advise on how to parent a full-fledged teenager. I'm still in the minor leagues. But a 6yr old is more like t-ball.

She had a fit because you and her dad were being unnecessarily rigid and unreasonable. Halloween at her age is all about having fun with HER friends and in a few short years she will have outgrown it. Already saw her friends at school? Really? If you continue down this rigid path she will never want to spend time with you and her dad by the time she reaches high school. Poor girl!

I have a 7yo and 12yo, and a husband who is a control freak about a lot of things (see the tween thread about wearing shorts to middle school). Even we let our older child go out with friends last year, at 11yo, rather than trail along with parents and younger sibling.

Honestly I now belatedly realize we should have been organizing the trick-or-treating with friends all along, even in the years where parents are involved. Half the fun for my younger child is seeing his friends out in the neighborhood (the other half the fun is entirely made of Kit Kats.)

Let your tween be a tween, within limits - trick or treating with friends is a very easy way to give her some independence as well as social opportunities with her friends. Win-win.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

First:
"its not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school"

You really are clueless.

Second:
Of course she shouldn't have thrown a tantrum, but cut the girl some slack. You were treating her like a baby.

Halloween is a really big deal to teens and it is NOT A FAMILY EVENT.

Anonymous wrote:I've been a stepmother for almost 30 years. We always had primary physical custody. Obviously, my step kids are grown now. You are dead wrong here, OP. You don't keep kids from their friends just to make a point. The older the kids get, the more flexible you need to be with the parenting agreement. At some point, the agreement doesn't even matter anymore. An 11 year old should get to decide where to spend Halloween. By about 16, you let them decide where they want to spend all holidays.

You and your DH need to stop trying to hurt his ex by using his daughter. That's exactly what is going on in this scenario.

Honestly, it sounds like it is mostly OP trying to one up everyone to make a point.

I've been a stepmother for almost 30 years. We always had primary physical custody. Obviously, my step kids are grown now. You are dead wrong here, OP. You don't keep kids from their friends just to make a point. The older the kids get, the more flexible you need to be with the parenting agreement. At some point, the agreement doesn't even matter anymore. An 11 year old should get to decide where to spend Halloween. By about 16, you let them decide where they want to spend all holidays.

You and your DH need to stop trying to hurt his ex by using his daughter. That's exactly what is going on in this scenario.

11 year olds ToT with their friends. Not dad, step-brat and evil step mom. And in a couple years, they will have aged out of ToT altogether. So it is the "golden age" where they are finally old enough to ToT with friends in a safe area for a couple hours and have a little taste of freedom, and young enough to still ToT without adults making snide comments and posting on DCUM about all the greedy teenagers wanting candy.

My 12 year old went to ToT with a group of 5 girls in our very safe neighborhood. This was the 2nd year she was allowed to ditch the adults, and she had a wonderful time. My 14 year old had a math midterm today. He dressed up in last year's costume and handed out candy for a while, before heading into full study mode. I felt terrible that he had no "real"Halloween for the first time and offered to let him have friends over to order a pizza and watch a movie. But nope-- math midterm. I did buy his favorite candies and make him a a ToT bag. But still-- it goes fast.

11 year olds also throw tantrums. Often on their way to their bedrooms, where they will slam the door and burst into tears. Because you asked them if they have fed the cat yet.

You know nothing about step-parenting a tweenage girl.

You are wrong on this, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Who keeps their 11-year old kids from going out with their friends on Halloween? Nobody. Don't make her pay some weird price for her parents' inability to stay married.

Plus 1 million

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

That doesn't make this any better or you/DH any more right. You should have absolutely let her go out with her friends, trying to stop her because "the custody agreement says" is horse crap. Stop trying to win and start trying to do the right thing.