Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 10:03     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.


Yeah, we do that. I am in the middle of if a huge project on the house right now. But I guess you missed the part where I schedule date nights...try reading again.


Yikes. Well now we know why your wife isn't interested in you...you're mean.


Oh give me a break. In the judgmental world of DCUM, his post is not mean at all. The women in this forum just love to blame the man. OP, it sounds like you've made efforts. I don't think you sound like a terribly boring person and it seems like you've tried to connect with dates and small talk and stuff. I was in your shoes (I'm a woman though.) we didn't go to counseling because I think we both felt that it would be fruitless. I point blank asked my ex husband one day "do you still want to be married to me?" And was greeted with silence. It was a tough pill to swallow at the time but I'm now happily divorced and in a relationship where I feel appreciated and we click. It's been 4 years together and we still are interested in the little things like each other's day and mundane work matters. If she doesn't want to reconnect or join your efforts to spark the romance again, I'd leave.


Really? I think OP has written a few posts that reveal his personality and his attitude. If he talks to his wife the way he talks to people here it's no wonder she's more interested in her phone.

Because you immediately started blaming him. He's out fourth effort, says he listens, is attentive but is losing that because of lack of passion and intimacy. I'm comprehending this fact yet you're not, you sound very selfish or just can't read well.

Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 10:00     Subject: Re:Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:Your wife has checked out. Would bet she is having an affair.


This OP, go to the gym, lawyer up and delete Facebook. You said you eat healthy and hit the gym, so you're almost there. Get less than 10% body fat, concentrate on money and wealth and your kids. Someone better will come along.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 09:58     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.


It takes two to tango though. If one of the two has checked out mentally, no amount of hikes and films will change that.


This. We recently went to a dinner event and she didn't spend much time with me, which is fine her friends were there and she wanted to socialize. But in the way home...on her phone.


So she's over you. You need to have a talk with her and figure out what's up. Be direct. Tell her this isn't working. Ask her what you can do to make things better. Again - ask her what you can do to make things better.


It's not all on me. If she's done just tell me at least. I don't feel all the work should be on me.


No one said this! the fact you refuse to ask her what you can do better is very telling.


Kind of tough when she's attached to her iPhone
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 09:55     Subject: Re:Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:In OP's world "put forth some effort and ask what you can do to improve the relationship" = doing everything / "it's all on me"

No wonder he doesn't have the relationship he desires! I can't imagine jumping to the conclusions he does and being unwilling to change or consider what I need to change.


I think one issue is that he feels like he's already put forth quite a bit of effort and that she has not. He comes here and the advice is for him to do yet more. I don't blame the commenters -- he's the one here; and telling him that she ought to do this or that won't be very productive. But, I also get why he would be resistant. He feels like he's doing all the work.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 09:51     Subject: Re:Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Your wife has checked out. Would bet she is having an affair.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 09:26     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.


Yeah, we do that. I am in the middle of if a huge project on the house right now. But I guess you missed the part where I schedule date nights...try reading again.


Yikes. Well now we know why your wife isn't interested in you...you're mean.


Oh give me a break. In the judgmental world of DCUM, his post is not mean at all. The women in this forum just love to blame the man. OP, it sounds like you've made efforts. I don't think you sound like a terribly boring person and it seems like you've tried to connect with dates and small talk and stuff. I was in your shoes (I'm a woman though.) we didn't go to counseling because I think we both felt that it would be fruitless. I point blank asked my ex husband one day "do you still want to be married to me?" And was greeted with silence. It was a tough pill to swallow at the time but I'm now happily divorced and in a relationship where I feel appreciated and we click. It's been 4 years together and we still are interested in the little things like each other's day and mundane work matters. If she doesn't want to reconnect or join your efforts to spark the romance again, I'd leave.


Really? I think OP has written a few posts that reveal his personality and his attitude. If he talks to his wife the way he talks to people here it's no wonder she's more interested in her phone.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 09:21     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.


Yeah, we do that. I am in the middle of if a huge project on the house right now. But I guess you missed the part where I schedule date nights...try reading again.


Yikes. Well now we know why your wife isn't interested in you...you're mean.


Oh give me a break. In the judgmental world of DCUM, his post is not mean at all. The women in this forum just love to blame the man. OP, it sounds like you've made efforts. I don't think you sound like a terribly boring person and it seems like you've tried to connect with dates and small talk and stuff. I was in your shoes (I'm a woman though.) we didn't go to counseling because I think we both felt that it would be fruitless. I point blank asked my ex husband one day "do you still want to be married to me?" And was greeted with silence. It was a tough pill to swallow at the time but I'm now happily divorced and in a relationship where I feel appreciated and we click. It's been 4 years together and we still are interested in the little things like each other's day and mundane work matters. If she doesn't want to reconnect or join your efforts to spark the romance again, I'd leave.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 09:12     Subject: Re:Don't feel connected to wife anymore
I think it's important to find time to sit and talk with her about your feelings-that you feel disconnected, but you want to reconnect. You are right that you won't be able to reconnect as a couple unless you both put in the effort. But that conversation is likely to go better if you can be honest and self-reflective about your behaviors that have led to disconnection and how you can change them. If you share that and then talk about "When you [are on your phone the entire drive home from an event], it makes me feel [lonely and bored], maybe she'll be able to take some responsibility. I'd also suggest proposing that you two set aside time each week to do something fun alone together and you alternate weeks planning. Good luck, it's a really hard place to be, but some couples are able to overcome and have an even strong relationship.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 09:10     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
I can kind of see what his wife is no longer in to him.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 09:01     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
What did you used to enjoy about each other, OP? She sounds as bored and disconnected with you as you sound with her. The difference is that she thinks things are okay. She doesn't know you're getting desperate and need to make things change. I think it's crucial that you tell her you can't live this way. And then perhaps the two of you should see a counselor together so you both feel heard and you can have some sense of what it will take each of you doing to make things better.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 08:55     Subject: Re:Don't feel connected to wife anymore
In OP's world "put forth some effort and ask what you can do to improve the relationship" = doing everything / "it's all on me"

No wonder he doesn't have the relationship he desires! I can't imagine jumping to the conclusions he does and being unwilling to change or consider what I need to change.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 08:53     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.


It takes two to tango though. If one of the two has checked out mentally, no amount of hikes and films will change that.


This. We recently went to a dinner event and she didn't spend much time with me, which is fine her friends were there and she wanted to socialize. But in the way home...on her phone.


How does this incredibly boring woman who has no interests besides two television shows manage to have friends?

Honestly, if I were her, I would prefer to hang out with people who found me fun and interesting rather than the guy who thinks I am literally the most boring person on the planet.



This. op's attitude stinks. He's all about blaming the wife and seems too stubborn to maybe reflect and consider what he could do to help the relationship. I'm sure both the wife and husband need to put forth some effort to turn things around.

I can't imagine my husband thinking I'm so boring and wanting me to talk about work with him. That's so dull and not at all a turn on. Also it's hard to talk about work with someone who doesn't work for the same employer.

Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 08:51     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.


It takes two to tango though. If one of the two has checked out mentally, no amount of hikes and films will change that.


This. We recently went to a dinner event and she didn't spend much time with me, which is fine her friends were there and she wanted to socialize. But in the way home...on her phone.


So she's over you. You need to have a talk with her and figure out what's up. Be direct. Tell her this isn't working. Ask her what you can do to make things better. Again - ask her what you can do to make things better.


It's not all on me. If she's done just tell me at least. I don't feel all the work should be on me.


No one said this! the fact you refuse to ask her what you can do better is very telling.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 08:44     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.


It takes two to tango though. If one of the two has checked out mentally, no amount of hikes and films will change that.


This. We recently went to a dinner event and she didn't spend much time with me, which is fine her friends were there and she wanted to socialize. But in the way home...on her phone.


How does this incredibly boring woman who has no interests besides two television shows manage to have friends?

Honestly, if I were her, I would prefer to hang out with people who found me fun and interesting rather than the guy who thinks I am literally the most boring person on the planet.


Anonymous
Post 10/27/2016 08:21     Subject: Don't feel connected to wife anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.


Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.


It takes two to tango though. If one of the two has checked out mentally, no amount of hikes and films will change that.


This. We recently went to a dinner event and she didn't spend much time with me, which is fine her friends were there and she wanted to socialize. But in the way home...on her phone.


So she's over you. You need to have a talk with her and figure out what's up. Be direct. Tell her this isn't working. Ask her what you can do to make things better. Again - ask her what you can do to make things better.


It's not all on me. If she's done just tell me at least. I don't feel all the work should be on me.