Anonymous wrote:Mom is clearly not handling things well, but I feel kind of bad for her. She is clearly overwhelmed. As a primary/default parent, I can relate at times. It can be frustrating to always have to be "on" when your co-parent doesn't always have to be "on." And being a divorced 40-something mom in the dating world can be depressing. Most fathers seem to be able to move on more quickly than the moms, usually because they have fewer kid-related obligations.

Maybe instead of actually living with you, OP, your kids could see you more often so mom gets a break? Sounds like maybe she could use a week or two to decompress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

You are insane. Never would I ever tell my kids they can't come live with me. Although I do agree that OP probably needs to tell his kids that mom didn't mean it and that everyone needs to calm down.

PP here. Imagine what a court might think if he is always telling the kids they can live with him and it goes against the custody agreement. It may sound like interfering with her custody rights. Also, the kids should know they are loved and will always have a safe place. Though if he keeps on offering them a home how will it look to them if they say yes but the mom refuses in the end. More confusion and disappointment. Therapy. Love. Strategies to navigate the situation ... unless you are willing to do more than talk, and put your money where your mother is and take her to cour for Custody. Otherwise it is all talk that keeps the kids hopes up just to get possibly crushed

Finally, have you ever tried a parent coordinator ??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

The worst is generally assumed about the father.

Maybe mom is the nasty, manipulative one. Maybe mom had an affair. Maybe mom is emotionally abusive.

I know a few women who have been absolutely despicable during and after divorce. Even the one who ended up divorced after telling her husband she didn't need him around.

Another one who would send her two daughters to their dad sometimes not wearing underwear. "Let him buy them, if he can figure out how to buy girls' clothes." She would send them knowing they were sick, not give him any heads up and not send their medication. Not even prescription meds. But he was the bad one, because he didn't have what they needed.

Another one still who sent her kids in stained, too small clothes. Who threatened the kids with punishment if they talked about her house at their dad's, but they had to spill everything the minute they came back from dad's.

Don't just assume dad is the screw up here, people.

I asked the question. Note, it is a question. What is confusing about that? How to address The situation may well be based on the reason that the mom seems to have a real bitterness toward the father not having the responsibilities that go with primary yesterday. If the dad is currently living with a new moment, or his affair partner if he had one, the issue maybe more about the relationship between the mom and the dad, and her dealing with a new coparent. If there is not a new coparent in the picture, The issues are likely more about more generalized stress of parenting alone. And clearly her inability to manage this stress in a way that is appropriate with kids. Not every question includes assumptions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

You are insane. Never would I ever tell my kids they can't come live with me. Although I do agree that OP probably needs to tell his kids that mom didn't mean it and that everyone needs to calm down.

Anonymous wrote:as punishment when she doesn't like how they behave.

She set the groundwork by telling them (repeatedly) that "if you go live with your father, whether it works out for your good or bad, you can never come home again."
Her and the youngest child (8yrs old) are constantly fighting and her solution to this has been to start threatening to send him to live with me 100% of the time. Its a total threat because she isn't serious about it she has been escalating things and on Sunday made him pack his bags and she called me and put the phone on speaker and started saying "finish packing! I've got your father on the phone." He wasn't crying or angry per se... he was simply packing his bags and refusing to talk to his mom. He wasn't defiant towards her he wasn't showing any emotion. Its like he figured he couldn't reason with her so he was just going alone until it blew over.

On Sunday I told my youngest that he always has a home with me. I asked my ex to call me in private because I wanted to talk to her about this but she refused to call me without the kids listening. Eventually she left the house and he called her cell phone and told her that he wanted to stay with her. Then my oldest called me to give me the run-down on what was happening. I spoke with my youngest and he hold me "I'm sorry dad; but I told mom I'm not comfortable moving out." The oldest has mentioned that he might want to move in with me 100% of the time but he is worried about leaving his brother and sister with their mom alone. He is nervous about having a place to live because his mom keeps telling them "you can't come home again." On the one hand I'm sure they know I'm here for them and they can live with me but at the same time hey have this attachment to their mom and are afraid to not being able to go "home" again.


I think what she is doing is abusive. I've told all my children that they are free to come live with me. On Sunday I repeated to each of them that I love them and I asked them to speak respectfully to their mom.

My youngest is always on edge. It only takes the wrong phrase to send him into a massive breakdown. Not always anger. Often its sobbing while he talks about how is feelings are hurt. It really hurts my feelings to see and hear it. She nitpick them and somehow I think the youngest doesn't feel like he is being heard. He lashes out sometimes because he isn't feeling respected. That is about the best I can describe it.

She has difficulty parenting because of how she interacts with the kids. The kids physiologist noted this during the divorce but the court still decided she gets primary custody because she was a SAHM.

Other than "get primary custody of your kids" type advice what can I do to help my kids? I've investigated the "get custody" thing and the divorce wiped me out financially and I really don't have the money to go back into court. The attorneys I've spoken with tell me its not a sure bet and on top of that I don't want to cause a whole other round of conflict between me and the ex it really upset the kids.

What I'm really wanting to know is what my kids need to experience from me in order for them to deal with the situation? Specific actions.... I know they need to feel "love."
Also... does what is happening with my youngest sound like some particular type of reaction to some particular type of abuse situation? I'm curious about this because if it is that might help me figure out what he needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

The worst is generally assumed about the father.

Maybe mom is the nasty, manipulative one. Maybe mom had an affair. Maybe mom is emotionally abusive.

I know a few women who have been absolutely despicable during and after divorce. Even the one who ended up divorced after telling her husband she didn't need him around.

Another one who would send her two daughters to their dad sometimes not wearing underwear. "Let him buy them, if he can figure out how to buy girls' clothes." She would send them knowing they were sick, not give him any heads up and not send their medication. Not even prescription meds. But he was the bad one, because he didn't have what they needed.

Another one still who sent her kids in stained, too small clothes. Who threatened the kids with punishment if they talked about her house at their dad's, but they had to spill everything the minute they came back from dad's.

Don't just assume dad is the screw up here, people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

You are insane. Never would I ever tell my kids they can't come live with me. Although I do agree that OP probably needs to tell his kids that mom didn't mean it and that everyone needs to calm down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

The worst is generally assumed about the father.

Maybe mom is the nasty, manipulative one. Maybe mom had an affair. Maybe mom is emotionally abusive.

I know a few women who have been absolutely despicable during and after divorce. Even the one who ended up divorced after telling her husband she didn't need him around.

Another one who would send her two daughters to their dad sometimes not wearing underwear. "Let him buy them, if he can figure out how to buy girls' clothes." She would send them knowing they were sick, not give him any heads up and not send their medication. Not even prescription meds. But he was the bad one, because he didn't have what they needed.

Another one still who sent her kids in stained, too small clothes. Who threatened the kids with punishment if they talked about her house at their dad's, but they had to spill everything the minute they came back from dad's.

Don't just assume dad is the screw up here, people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been divorced. Did you divorce after you had an affair? If so, is your affair partner living with you? I ask because these things may come into play in figuring out the best response.

Why is it always assumed dad had the affair. Mom could have had one.

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful on the continued open door option offer to the kids. It may be perceived as interfering in the custody agreement in the eyes of the courts and to your kids as a viable offer. I'd offer suggestions on they can navigate the difficult situation and some therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't take sides until I know how much support and help your wife gets. I had a single mom growing up and my dad would tell us all the right things on the phone, but he never had to actually deal with any of the issues we were going through. We saw him every other weekend and he would spoil us rotten, but then sent us back to reality with mom. My mom was a wonderful mother, but she did lose it at times. I do remember a couple bad fights where she told me that I should go and live with my father.

I will always love my father, but my mom was always there through the good and the bad. Now that I am an adult and I have a better idea of what she was dealing with, there is just no way I could hold anything against her. I feel like you are not telling us the whole story. Why was your wife able to get primary custody? In my mother's case my father was an alcoholic.

This. Times a million. OP ain't gonna tell us the full story, folks.