NP here. For those of us who have beefs with big second weddings, it isn't about expecting the couple to feel some sort of shame for their first union(s) not working out.

It's about the imposition on the guests.

It's not right to throw some big bash of a first wedding, which entails collecting engagement gifts, collecting shower gifts, collecting wedding gifts and checks, and sometimes bachelorette party gifts. Close family often have to purchase of bridesmaids dresses, rent tuxes, and fly their family to whatever state the wedding is in, all at considerable expense. Most people stretch to do this for a good friend the first time around. To ask everyone to line up and do the whole drill a second time around with the same level of enthusiasm is a little bit much.

OP, I'd come up with a reason to not be in the wedding. Politely decline. Unless you take cash gifts from your husband's parents, I don't see why you're so freaked out about upsetting the apple cart.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

+1

And what does shame have to do with this?

OP here. "Humility" as in, SIL is not being at all humble in this situation. Instead she is being her typical self-centered self. (Yes, there's obviously baggage here.) I never said she should feel humiliated (different word) or ashamed. I'm totally glad she dumped husband #1 and found husband #2.

To answer the questions of other posters, she is 39. It is the groom's first wedding, though he is way older than her and has a couple kids as well who are in the tween years.

Supposedly she got an annulment of the first marriage though it wasn't even performed in a Catholic church so I don't understand how that is necessary.

What is she supposed to be "humble" about? And why is she supposed to be "humble" about this marriage, and not her first?

Anonymous wrote:I was a bridesmaid in the first and still have the silly dress.

Just let her know that it will all be easy peasy, because you kept the old dress and can reuse it!

I kid. You might be able to get out of it if you have a excuse, especially if you now have kids and you'll need to keep an eye on them. If not, can't you just grit your teeth and be happy for her?

That's right. Only 30 year old virgins actually DESERVE their wedding.

Is this thread from 1950?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

+1

And what does shame have to do with this?

OP here. "Humility" as in, SIL is not being at all humble in this situation. Instead she is being her typical self-centered self. (Yes, there's obviously baggage here.) I never said she should feel humiliated (different word) or ashamed. I'm totally glad she dumped husband #1 and found husband #2.

To answer the questions of other posters, she is 39. It is the groom's first wedding, though he is way older than her and has a couple kids as well who are in the tween years.

Supposedly she got an annulment of the first marriage though it wasn't even performed in a Catholic church so I don't understand how that is necessary.

He has a couple of kids and has never been married? And getting married with a full Catholic mass?

This should be good for laughs.

Taking into account their ages and history (divorcee, not married with kids), they should not be putting on a big production.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

+1

And what does shame have to do with this?

OP here. "Humility" as in, SIL is not being at all humble in this situation. Instead she is being her typical self-centered self. (Yes, there's obviously baggage here.) I never said she should feel humiliated (different word) or ashamed. I'm totally glad she dumped husband #1 and found husband #2.

To answer the questions of other posters, she is 39. It is the groom's first wedding, though he is way older than her and has a couple kids as well who are in the tween years.

Supposedly she got an annulment of the first marriage though it wasn't even performed in a Catholic church so I don't understand how that is necessary.

He has a couple of kids and has never been married? And getting married with a full Catholic mass?

This should be good for laughs.

Oh, OP. My sister had a second wedding (and I thought it was pretty low key) but our side of the family complained that it was her second wedding and I thought they were being jerks. It was the groom's first wedding and his family was happy and gracious.

I think big second weddings are tacky, but that's beside the point.

You show up for friends and family, with a smile on your face. If you can afford it, and it's not a tremendously logistical pain, do it with a smile. If it would be a burden, decline politely. If the family has a problem with your polite "no," that's THEIR problem.

There are actual, real problems in this world. And then there are slightly declasse events that you bear with a smile and your best wishes.

Enjoy a steak dinner and a few drinks, and shake it a bit on the dance floor. OK?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say no to being a bridesmaid, but I don't think there's any way to politely suggest they tone it down. I don't know the particulars of the end of the first marriage, but I thought most Catholic churches wouldn't perform a mass for a 2nd marriage.

They will if she is widowed (& her fiance either never married or is a widower).

You can get a church annulment after the legal divorce. Then, you are free to marry in the church again.

If your first marriage was out of the church and there was never a convalidation of that union, you can get married in the church your second time around. This is because the church doesn't recognize your first union.

No. You cannot.

This statement is 100% incorrect.

I agree, say no to the bridesmaid offer and have an excuse ready. Across the country sounds good to me. Remember to add that you look forward to attending the weather. Once you are past 22 years old, who really wants to be a bridesmaid?

OP, I agree that you started out sounding sympathetic and now just sound like a giant B.

You have two choices. Be a bridesmaid (but I don't want to! It's so cheesy! We get it) or don't (they'll hold a grudge! And talk about me forever! We get that too), but you can't just make excuses for every situation and expect sympathy.

Assuming this is your husband's sister and you have a decent relationship with her (which you seem to, since she is asking you to be in her wedding(s)), if you can afford it financially I'd do it. Sure, it's over the top, but it's a wedding, not a funeral march. Go, have fun, stop yer bitching and at least pretend to be happy for the couple.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

+1

And what does shame have to do with this?

OP here. "Humility" as in, SIL is not being at all humble in this situation. Instead she is being her typical self-centered self. (Yes, there's obviously baggage here.) I never said she should feel humiliated (different word) or ashamed. I'm totally glad she dumped husband #1 and found husband #2.

To answer the questions of other posters, she is 39. It is the groom's first wedding, though he is way older than her and has a couple kids as well who are in the tween years.

Supposedly she got an annulment of the first marriage though it wasn't even performed in a Catholic church so I don't understand how that is necessary.

You mean she isn't crawling off to the JOP because her first marriage didn't work out like you think she should.

You sound like a bitch, OP. She's showing you more grace and class by inviting you to participate in her ceremony even though you sound like a judgmental fussy duddy.

Why are people so judgemental about everything nowadays? She can have whatever type of wedding she wants. You don't have to be a bridesmaid, so just decline.

I would decline based on the previous advice -- you are too far away to help with planning, etc. Chances are she's just asking to be polite.

At some point in life you have to free yourself from family and people's drama and expectations. That is their problem. Let them deal with their grudges while you blissfully go about your life. They will eventually tire of the nonsense or wear themselves out with it.