None in our circle. Married 10-20 years. Only one divorce in DS's class at school and that happened when the kid was a toddler.

Anonymous wrote:There are three hot spots.
a) immature first marriages. We know two couples that broke up in this window. One bc wife found out husband didn't want kids ever. Other bc of affair.
b) 10-15 years. Kids become a drag and life gets monotonous. Again we know two couples in this band. One the wife cheated and other husband cheated.
c) 22-25 years. These are usually marriages where the parents stuck it out until the kids left home but marriage was already dead. Haven't gotten to this peer group yet.

This was pretty much what I was going to mention - starter marriages, marriages just out of the infant/toddler years, and marriages when the kids hit college.

The starter marriage divorces are just slightly more complicated break ups between boyfriends and girlfriends.

My theory on the ones just out of the infant/toddler years is that the divorce happens sometime around when the kids hit school age. Before that, everyone is just holding on for dear life. When the kids' needs become somewhat less relentless, one or both of the partners finally has time to look around and notice that their marriage has shattered and he or she is deeply unhappy.

In my circle, I have seen marriages break up as the youngest child prepares to leave the nest. Most marriages had some troubles along the way, but hung in there until kids were grown. Most interesting to me is the WOMEN who have moved out of the house and into an apartment or condo. It seems they have had it with caring for animals, the house, the yard etc.

30s and 40s. Most married in their 30s, were together at least 5 year before kids-and now that kids are preschool age many of us are splitting up.

Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

Gosh, you must be one of the people in my circle. You described it perfectly.

I'm 38 with most friends married 5-15 years, most with young kids (under 8). The only divorces thus far are a few quick mistake early marriages (generally in early/mid 20s). None of the others have divorced.

I want one. I'm 33, none of my friends are divorced.

Most of our friends are single never married professionals with graduate degrees from top programs in their 40ties and 50ties (we are from NYC). The ones that got married and divorced do not have kids.

I don't know any couples with kids who are divorced but the kids are all younger than college age.

I personally think that if you don't want kids, there is no reason to get married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.

I'm not sure but I think it does still stand; I think the explanation I heard is like this:

- if your parent's stayed married, it's likely because they had good emotional intelligence, and were attracted to others like themselves.
- they modelled a healthy relationship for you as a child.
- you were drawn to people like your parents (most of us are) so you are drawn to emotionally intelligent and healthy people - you are repelled from unhealthy people.
- you know how to have a healthy relationship because it's what you grew up watching

This is a positive feedback loop. For people with FOOs with divorce, the same "positive feedback" loop exists, except it's pointing in the wrong direction.

Divorce is an effect, not a cause.

This is ridiculous. Most of my high school friends are still married to bad husbands because it's considered so embarrassing and shameful to divorce where we grew up, in certain NY and southern CT suburbs. Same thing for their mothers - if you want to look at cause-and-effect, start there. If your mother stayed in a bad marriage, she'll probably encourage you to do the same. This is true of my best friend, who has been married for twenty years to a horrible man.

As my mother always says, "We might all still be married, but that doesn't mean that very many of us are happy!"

Anonymous wrote:There are three hot spots.
a) immature first marriages. We know two couples that broke up in this window. One bc wife found out husband didn't want kids ever. Other bc of affair.
b) 10-15 years. Kids become a drag and life gets monotonous. Again we know two couples in this band. One the wife cheated and other husband cheated.
c) 22-25 years. These are usually marriages where the parents stuck it out until the kids left home but marriage was already dead. Haven't gotten to this peer group yet.

I've observed a new hot spot:

d) 25+ years (50+ crowd). Parents were relatively happy, or worked through unhappy moments while raising kids, and while their kids were in their 20s. They didn't divorce once the kids went to college, but further down the line toward retirement. Example: husband retires, but still doesn't want to spend time with his wife. Each person has completely separate interests, activities, and views on how to spend money and retirement funds. Wife ends up filing for divorce so that she can receive part of the retirement funds, or husband files for divorce, because he wants more time to pursue activities without having his wife around.

This is when my in-laws divorced. Age 66 - right after retirement. In their peer group three other close friends have also divorced. Money differences plus "I'm tired of putting up with your shit" attitude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.

I'm not sure but I think it does still stand; I think the explanation I heard is like this:

- if your parent's stayed married, it's likely because they had good emotional intelligence, and were attracted to others like themselves.
- they modelled a healthy relationship for you as a child.
- you were drawn to people like your parents (most of us are) so you are drawn to emotionally intelligent and healthy people - you are repelled from unhealthy people.
- you know how to have a healthy relationship because it's what you grew up watching

This is a positive feedback loop. For people with FOOs with divorce, the same "positive feedback" loop exists, except it's pointing in the wrong direction.

Divorce is an effect, not a cause.

My inlaws divorced when my DH was 10 and it was apparently very ugly, drawn out, bitter and horrible for him and his siblings. My inlaws still fight and drag my DH and my SILs and BIL into family arguments 30 years later. My DH seems to be traumatized by the divorce and is super committed to our marriage, it's like he takes a complete opposite point of view on marriage than his parents did, and especially more since we had children. He works on issues and doesn't quit when things get tough. And for me my parents are married 51 years, so I never knew what a divorce life was like and it never seemed like an option, unless things got awful (abuse).

1 friend married at 26, divorced by 30. Husband couldn't hold down a job, lazy, liar.

Other friend married at 30 divorced by 34. Cheating, emotionally abusive husband.

Not yet. We started going to friends' weddings 11+ years ago now and we have not had a single divorce yet. We are mid/late 30s now and almost all the couple have 2 or more kids each (oldest kids in the group will turn 7 this year). Even the ones we were skeptical of at first have lasted so far.

Not my close friend circle but the next 'ring' there was a noticeable high number of divorces just as the oldest kid was going off to college. From the outside it seems like such a selfish, self-centered decision to add stress to a time when a kid going off to college is trying to find their own footing: what add drama to their lives. Either do it sooner or just hold on for a year or two, geez. As PP noted - all of these were attorneys, and all men (DC of course full of these lawyer types!) The other really interesting commonality was how many of these divorcing people ended up with earlier loves (from HS or college, home towns.) Out of the divorces I am aware of 6 are with people from earlier in their lives though none of these relationships save one was the cause of the break up

first year of the marriage. In one case before a kid was born, in another after.