Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 13:55     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are children like this who occasionally approach my daughter, who is disabled. They run up and hug her because they want to "sympathize" with her. But my daughter is not sad and she does not require pity and sympathy. Anymore than some black stranger required a hug and gum.

There's something kind of weird and tasteless about what your daughter is doing. It's not sensitivity. I'm not trying to be mean, but if your daughter truly cares about BLM, take her to marches. If she truly cares about homeless animals, get her involved.

Stewing in her own emotions is not a sign of sensitivity. In fact, what she's doing can be downright insensitive. It's a sign of self-involvement. It's inward focused, not outward focused.

I agree that there's a need for perhaps some therapy here, or at least some thoughtful dialogue.


I disagree with you, I do think she's sensitive and outward focused. Sensitive people aren't happily indulging in the feelings they absorb from others. It can be stressful for them and it's very draining. My brother has a physical disability and he got a lot of blank stares and name calling in his life. I'm sure he would have much appreciated a random hug instead. Children are still learning how to handle and deal with emotions. Give them a break, insensitive they are not.


Well of course my daughter would prefer hugs to stares and name calling. But is there not another alternative: being treated with the dignity and casual friendliness of any child her age is entitled to?


As someone who is permanently physically disabled, and has gotten stares and name calling all my life, I agree with the PP that it's inward focused and not so much empathetic. There is a huge movement in the disability community to remove the "you're so brave, you're such an inspiration" title people like to place on disabled people. We want to be treated normally, like everyone else. So running up to hug us or tells us "way to go" or "you're so inspiring" or "you should be so proud" is actually quite degrading. It makes the attention on the speaker, to show what a nice person he/she is. I don't want people talking to me or approaching me this way, so I imagine a black person would find it totally weird to have that Target interaction. It is definitely crossing a line.

Stella Young gave a wonderful talk on this very issue, it is from the perspective of the handicap being approached by able bodied, maybe it would help to hear from one of us how we think.

https://youtu.be/8K9Gg164Bsw



I 100% agree with this. I think that being empathetic is often very self-centered and its about making you feel better not making the other person feel better.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 13:20     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Anonymous wrote:I want to return to the stranger part. How few Black folks must your child have in her life that she feels the need to offer gum to a stranger "so he won't be sad."

It's weird, and the kind of thing that happens when a person only sees Black people on the news or at Target.


Yes, I thought the emphasis on him being black was very odd. What did that have to do with anything?
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 12:54     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are children like this who occasionally approach my daughter, who is disabled. They run up and hug her because they want to "sympathize" with her. But my daughter is not sad and she does not require pity and sympathy. Anymore than some black stranger required a hug and gum.

There's something kind of weird and tasteless about what your daughter is doing. It's not sensitivity. I'm not trying to be mean, but if your daughter truly cares about BLM, take her to marches. If she truly cares about homeless animals, get her involved.

Stewing in her own emotions is not a sign of sensitivity. In fact, what she's doing can be downright insensitive. It's a sign of self-involvement. It's inward focused, not outward focused.

I agree that there's a need for perhaps some therapy here, or at least some thoughtful dialogue.


I disagree with you, I do think she's sensitive and outward focused. Sensitive people aren't happily indulging in the feelings they absorb from others. It can be stressful for them and it's very draining. My brother has a physical disability and he got a lot of blank stares and name calling in his life. I'm sure he would have much appreciated a random hug instead. Children are still learning how to handle and deal with emotions. Give them a break, insensitive they are not.


Well of course my daughter would prefer hugs to stares and name calling. But is there not another alternative: being treated with the dignity and casual friendliness of any child her age is entitled to?


As someone who is permanently physically disabled, and has gotten stares and name calling all my life, I agree with the PP that it's inward focused and not so much empathetic. There is a huge movement in the disability community to remove the "you're so brave, you're such an inspiration" title people like to place on disabled people. We want to be treated normally, like everyone else. So running up to hug us or tells us "way to go" or "you're so inspiring" or "you should be so proud" is actually quite degrading. It makes the attention on the speaker, to show what a nice person he/she is. I don't want people talking to me or approaching me this way, so I imagine a black person would find it totally weird to have that Target interaction. It is definitely crossing a line.

Stella Young gave a wonderful talk on this very issue, it is from the perspective of the handicap being approached by able bodied, maybe it would help to hear from one of us how we think.

https://youtu.be/8K9Gg164Bsw

Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 12:37     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
I haven't read all the posts but my oldest is a bit like this and does suffer from anxiety. I am constantly moved by how deeply empathetic he is and by how often he feels responsible for fixing the problems of others, but, like your daughter, his deep feelings are difficult for him to manage--how can I put it... it is like he has the depth of feeling of a profoundly empathetic adult but doesn't have the resources to handle it. He, too, will relate other people's suffering to his own life and develop sudden fears of parents' dying, being left alone, divorce, etc. It is too much for him to take on. FWIW, we saw a therapist who specializes in anxiety and she was extremely helpful, especially in coaching the parents. He is now old enough (10) that he can use some rational thinking to manage some of the intrusive fears.
pandemonium
Post 09/28/2016 11:50     Subject: Re:My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
I know everyone's going to give me crap for suggesting therapy- but sometimes having an outsider's perspective is really helpful. Also, a good therapist will teach parents and kids coping strategies.

I was like this as a child. As an adult, I cry whenever I hear about Syria on the news and I can't watch any TV shows where I see people get hurt. I'm definitely really strange, but I can't spend my whole life in a bubble, I end up being exposed to stuff that makes me sad. Therapy and meditation help.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 11:50     Subject: Re:My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
We have DD who also is overly empathetic to others and, even more, to animals. Also the sweetest kid you could meet.

That said, the advice to meet with a child psychologist and child psychiatrist is spot on. Good doctors will not prescribe drugs if not merited or necessary. It is a big investment of time (and sometimes money), but your DD is worth the effort and deserves it. It may be nothing more than having a wonderful, sweet sensitive kid who can be even happier and better balance with some talk therapy. Or it may be anxiety, which also may be helped by talk therapy ... sometimes with our without pharmaceutical intervention. The problem is, at this age it can be very difficult to know.

DH and I were very anit-pharmaceuticals, but they have helped our DD with wonderful results.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 11:49     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Op, one sign of giftedness is this intense empathy/feeling the injustice others may be suffering. To me, and I'm no expert, your daugher may be gifted and this may be one of the manifestations. It becomes a problem when these feelings affect her and cause her to feel depressed.

I have a gifted friend with similar traits and as she got older, she had a more difficult time coping with her strong feelings of empathy. I think your daughter just needs some tools from a knowledgeable professional to help her cope with these feelings as she gets older.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 11:30     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Anonymous wrote:My son is this way. He is 11, and has gotten better about not dwelling so much on the sadness of the world. At 8 though, he would cry about a schoolmate who could not walk or run, and how unfair and sad he found this. It's interesting because his sister lacks empathy for others.


My children are like this. I say my older DD sucked all the empathy out of my body before she was born leaving none for younger DD.
My older DD has a huge heart. My younger one.... not so much.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 10:33     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are children like this who occasionally approach my daughter, who is disabled. They run up and hug her because they want to "sympathize" with her. But my daughter is not sad and she does not require pity and sympathy. Anymore than some black stranger required a hug and gum.

There's something kind of weird and tasteless about what your daughter is doing. It's not sensitivity. I'm not trying to be mean, but if your daughter truly cares about BLM, take her to marches. If she truly cares about homeless animals, get her involved.

Stewing in her own emotions is not a sign of sensitivity. In fact, what she's doing can be downright insensitive. It's a sign of self-involvement. It's inward focused, not outward focused.

I agree that there's a need for perhaps some therapy here, or at least some thoughtful dialogue.


I disagree with you, I do think she's sensitive and outward focused. Sensitive people aren't happily indulging in the feelings they absorb from others. It can be stressful for them and it's very draining. My brother has a physical disability and he got a lot of blank stares and name calling in his life. I'm sure he would have much appreciated a random hug instead. Children are still learning how to handle and deal with emotions. Give them a break, insensitive they are not.


Well of course my daughter would prefer hugs to stares and name calling. But is there not another alternative: being treated with the dignity and casual friendliness of any child her age is entitled to?
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 09:12     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This 10 year old's behavior is outside of the range of normal. It is handicapping her socio-emotional development to a significant degree, and MUST be addressed, because all the smarts and diplomas in the world will not compensate.

As you suspected, this is a case for the pediatric psychologist, for a full evaluation, then possibly, the pediatric psychiatrist, for medication, if recommended by the psychologist. Additionally there may be specific therapies that will be recommended.

Good luck, OP.


MEDICATION??? Are you kidding me?


Yeah - to make her more like herself (snippy, judgemental of others, unfeeling).
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 09:10     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Anonymous wrote:There are children like this who occasionally approach my daughter, who is disabled. They run up and hug her because they want to "sympathize" with her. But my daughter is not sad and she does not require pity and sympathy. Anymore than some black stranger required a hug and gum.

There's something kind of weird and tasteless about what your daughter is doing. It's not sensitivity. I'm not trying to be mean, but if your daughter truly cares about BLM, take her to marches. If she truly cares about homeless animals, get her involved.

Stewing in her own emotions is not a sign of sensitivity. In fact, what she's doing can be downright insensitive. It's a sign of self-involvement. It's inward focused, not outward focused.

I agree that there's a need for perhaps some therapy here, or at least some thoughtful dialogue.


THIS. I'm the PP who wondered how many Black people OP's daughter sees in her day-to-day life, if she doesn't understand that being Black is not all police shootings and slavery. It's similar to your story about your daughter - people think they are "helping" because they can't imagine that she has a rich, full, life.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 09:06     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Turn off the TV. Don't listen to radio on the news in front of her, don't let her read news on the net.m At 10, she really doesn't need to know about political issues. People underestimate how much kids are affected by tv.

It was inappropriate for her to give a man that's a stranger a side hug. I think it's wonderful that your daughter is so friendly and kind, but you need to help her: hugs to kids she knows are fine, hugs to strange men not fine.

She doesn't need medication or to see a counselor.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 08:49     Subject: Re:My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
OP - my daughter is a little bit like yours. I explain to her that sometimes bad things happen but people are strong enough to handle it. It's ok to feel a little sad, but they are solving their problems, just like you solve your problems when you are hurt or sad. There is no need to feel sorry for them because they are tough and they have friends and family that are helping them. I want to get to a point where her anxiety lessens before we re-introduce how she can get involved to help. I then redirect to something else so she isn't constantly dwelling on the issue. This seems to help - it takes the burden of of her.

I haven't put her in therapy for this although I have thought about it since she has some other issues that she could use some help with. You might want to talk to your priest or school counselor for tips or recommendations. Good luck! And I like the idea of saying a prayer - will use this myself!
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 08:34     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
Anonymous wrote:There are children like this who occasionally approach my daughter, who is disabled. They run up and hug her because they want to "sympathize" with her. But my daughter is not sad and she does not require pity and sympathy. Anymore than some black stranger required a hug and gum.

There's something kind of weird and tasteless about what your daughter is doing. It's not sensitivity. I'm not trying to be mean, but if your daughter truly cares about BLM, take her to marches. If she truly cares about homeless animals, get her involved.

Stewing in her own emotions is not a sign of sensitivity. In fact, what she's doing can be downright insensitive. It's a sign of self-involvement. It's inward focused, not outward focused.

I agree that there's a need for perhaps some therapy here, or at least some thoughtful dialogue.


I disagree with you, I do think she's sensitive and outward focused. Sensitive people aren't happily indulging in the feelings they absorb from others. It can be stressful for them and it's very draining. My brother has a physical disability and he got a lot of blank stares and name calling in his life. I'm sure he would have much appreciated a random hug instead. Children are still learning how to handle and deal with emotions. Give them a break, insensitive they are not.
Anonymous
Post 09/28/2016 05:21     Subject: My daughter is extremely sensitive and I have some worries.
There are children like this who occasionally approach my daughter, who is disabled. They run up and hug her because they want to "sympathize" with her. But my daughter is not sad and she does not require pity and sympathy. Anymore than some black stranger required a hug and gum.

There's something kind of weird and tasteless about what your daughter is doing. It's not sensitivity. I'm not trying to be mean, but if your daughter truly cares about BLM, take her to marches. If she truly cares about homeless animals, get her involved.

Stewing in her own emotions is not a sign of sensitivity. In fact, what she's doing can be downright insensitive. It's a sign of self-involvement. It's inward focused, not outward focused.

I agree that there's a need for perhaps some therapy here, or at least some thoughtful dialogue.