I would suggest a little bit of compromise on everyone's part.

How about start with every other week (the compromise between your once/month and their once/week) and go out to eat at 5pm with everyone. Pick a moderate sit down restaurant. You order for your son first to get his food out early and one of you (in our family, it is the one whose parents are not there) also orders early. That person and the child eat first. Then, after they eat, parent and child do homework. The person not on homework duty has primary duty to entertain the grandparents, whether listening to them talk about golf or whatever. Aim to be done with dinner by 6:30. If the kids still has too much energy, stop at a playground on the way home and let him run around to 20 minutes. Invite grandparents to come and sit on a park bench and watch little Johnny play. Aim to be home 7:15 or so in time to have a bath and get to bed by 8:00. For one night, you can make his lunch after he goes to bed. Or if it is Friday night, then you don't have to make a lunch for him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon...

This was my reaction. Unless your son has 3 hrs of homework, I don't see what the issue is. My parents come over in the afternoon all the time. I won't compare the situations because my parents usually are very helpful (bring over dinner for the kids, for example, and help with baths) but even when they're not and do things like get them hyped up on sugar cookies and disregard bedtime, I think it's worth it to facilitate the grandparent relationship. And my kids love seeing them so much.

+!

Posters on DCUM are rigid about rules and routines, even at the expense of personal relationships. Teaching your kids to value friendships and family relationships and how to be flexible is just as important as homework.

A lesson the grandparents apparently need to learn. They've got nothing but free time, and only themselves to manage. Weekend visits are the least they can do, if they can't be bothered to bring over a lasagna.

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle grandparents who want to visit after school? Our son doesn't get home from school until after 4pm, and we try to settle him down and get him to bed by 8pm at the very latest. From the second we get home, it's hectic with homework, dinner, lunch packing, bath time, etc (as I am sure you can all relate to!) Inlaws refuse to make time during the weekends, and although they live nearly 90 minutes away, they want to visit after school. Am I wrong to just say no? Make time during the weekends?

It's hectic for 4 hours? Not even half an hour for a bit of a visit?

OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with grandparents who just like to be around the kids, in a sense of seeing the kids run by as the adults talk to each other. That's old-school adult behavior, and still quite normal in much of the world. Most adults like to talk with other adults, most of the time. The kids run around, play, and do their own thing. Some adults enjoy more interaction with kids, but you shouldn't judge those who don't, especially since that's a majority of adults.

That said, you're in a hectic phase of life, very child-focused, too, and overextended, so keeping a weeknight routine and not wanting to socialize on weeknights is what's currently working for you. Tell your parents honestly.

People forget what it was like, and also lifestyles and expectations change over time. Why can't you tell them? And why do you feel you have to make a special dinner and entertain them? Order in and do your normal routine. If that doesn't work for them, they can try coming on Fridays or weekends.

They sound very rigid, if they never will come visit on weekends. Are you a tad rigid, too? This makes things tough, if no one will speak up and no one feels comfortable bending.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must, Thursday nights. And I'd do what other PPs have suggested - say we'd love to have you but here are the parameters (bring a pizza, we'll make salad) and I'd also skip bath that night, or he could take a bath the second he gets home from school.

Also, so that they don't have to deal with bad traffic, how about if they came over and visited for a few hours, right after school? Or do that like the IDEA of visiting with their grandchild but not the actual DOING of it? I mean, they want to pop in, have a nice dinner at a restaurant, then pop out again vs. spending time with him at home for 2 hours, then having a quick dinner before they drive home.

OP here again:

Your last sentence is exactly what they do. They want dinner, and then they sit on our couch and tell us about their golf friends, or other stuff pertinent to them, but there is no engaging our son, he runs around and they watch, but that's the extent of their visit. It's annoying, and my husband agrees, it just doesn't work well during the week.

I appreciate all of your viewpoints! Thanks!

My parents are exactly like this, with the same results. I would not let them come on a school night. There's no reason they can't come on the weekend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must, Thursday nights. And I'd do what other PPs have suggested - say we'd love to have you but here are the parameters (bring a pizza, we'll make salad) and I'd also skip bath that night, or he could take a bath the second he gets home from school.

Also, so that they don't have to deal with bad traffic, how about if they came over and visited for a few hours, right after school? Or do that like the IDEA of visiting with their grandchild but not the actual DOING of it? I mean, they want to pop in, have a nice dinner at a restaurant, then pop out again vs. spending time with him at home for 2 hours, then having a quick dinner before they drive home.

OP here again:

Your last sentence is exactly what they do. They want dinner, and then they sit on our couch and tell us about their golf friends, or other stuff pertinent to them, but there is no engaging our son, he runs around and they watch, but that's the extent of their visit. It's annoying, and my husband agrees, it just doesn't work well during the week.

I appreciate all of your viewpoints! Thanks!

My dad is like that. We try to meet him out to eat so its more time limited.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon...

This was my reaction. Unless your son has 3 hrs of homework, I don't see what the issue is. My parents come over in the afternoon all the time. I won't compare the situations because my parents usually are very helpful (bring over dinner for the kids, for example, and help with baths) but even when they're not and do things like get them hyped up on sugar cookies and disregard bedtime, I think it's worth it to facilitate the grandparent relationship. And my kids love seeing them so much.

+!

Posters on DCUM are rigid about rules and routines, even at the expense of personal relationships. Teaching your kids to value friendships and family relationships and how to be flexible is just as important as homework.

How sad is this life? Does your child ever get to play with friends? Or is the whole day regulated, everything running like clockwork?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My children have no living grandparents. I would give anything for my children to have a visit from their grandparents. No matter what the disruption would be.

OK, well you had better not be posting about any problems or questions, ever. Because I guarantee someone doesn't have a spouse, or a sister, or a home, or what have you. Stop. OP has some legitimate questions and concerns, and we are trying to help her.

If the OP is going to pla y the "woe is me" card and saying people with helpful grandparents don't know squat and have it so easy, then maybe just maybe she should count her blessings instead of concentrating the negatives.

Please stop. OP isn't playing the "woe is me" card. She's asking for advice to work with what she's got.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon...

This was my reaction. Unless your son has 3 hrs of homework, I don't see what the issue is. My parents come over in the afternoon all the time. I won't compare the situations because my parents usually are very helpful (bring over dinner for the kids, for example, and help with baths) but even when they're not and do things like get them hyped up on sugar cookies and disregard bedtime, I think it's worth it to facilitate the grandparent relationship. And my kids love seeing them so much.

Because not all of our kids are as easy as yours. I've heard the song. Does not provide insight to my relationship with my mom, where I am the parent.

I don't understand why they don't come on the weekend (though do you really want them coming every weekend??). What's their explanation? And how old is your son?

Anonymous wrote:If you must, Thursday nights. And I'd do what other PPs have suggested - say we'd love to have you but here are the parameters (bring a pizza, we'll make salad) and I'd also skip bath that night, or he could take a bath the second he gets home from school.

Also, so that they don't have to deal with bad traffic, how about if they came over and visited for a few hours, right after school? Or do that like the IDEA of visiting with their grandchild but not the actual DOING of it? I mean, they want to pop in, have a nice dinner at a restaurant, then pop out again vs. spending time with him at home for 2 hours, then having a quick dinner before they drive home.

OP here again:

Your last sentence is exactly what they do. They want dinner, and then they sit on our couch and tell us about their golf friends, or other stuff pertinent to them, but there is no engaging our son, he runs around and they watch, but that's the extent of their visit. It's annoying, and my husband agrees, it just doesn't work well during the week.

I appreciate all of your viewpoints! Thanks!

If you must, Thursday nights. And I'd do what other PPs have suggested - say we'd love to have you but here are the parameters (bring a pizza, we'll make salad) and I'd also skip bath that night, or he could take a bath the second he gets home from school.

Also, so that they don't have to deal with bad traffic, how about if they came over and visited for a few hours, right after school? Or do that like the IDEA of visiting with their grandchild but not the actual DOING of it? I mean, they want to pop in, have a nice dinner at a restaurant, then pop out again vs. spending time with him at home for 2 hours, then having a quick dinner before they drive home.

Anonymous wrote:"Mary, Ted, we are very busy on weekend nights, between work and school. We'd love to have you, but frankly, we can only have you on weeknights if you can pitch in. If you can bring a pizza, we'll have salad and dessert ready. And please note that Timmy is going to do homework from 5-5:30, and will go up for a bath at 7:30 as usual. If you want more flexibility, weekends are much better for us."

This. You need to speak up. While you can probably play a tiny bit with schedule - having bath later or not at all on visit day, etc, some things are necessary - homework, dinner, etc. I would absolutely make it a potluck thing or takeout if it is in your budget. And make sure it is Thursday rather than earlier in the week so you only have one school day to worry about.

Soon enough you child will have afterschool activities that keep you hopping and will curtail their time even more. Would they consider taking him afterschool for a few hours rather than early evening?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My children have no living grandparents. I would give anything for my children to have a visit from their grandparents. No matter what the disruption would be.

OK, well you had better not be posting about any problems or questions, ever. Because I guarantee someone doesn't have a spouse, or a sister, or a home, or what have you. Stop. OP has some legitimate questions and concerns, and we are trying to help her.

If the OP is going to pla y the "woe is me" card and saying people with helpful grandparents don't know squat and have it so easy, then maybe just maybe she should count her blessings instead of concentrating the negatives.