Anonymous
09/19/2016 17:36
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
OP dont live with him. I was in a similar position to you. I finally called off the wedding - best decision i ever made. I also refused to move in with him. Trust your instincts. The things that made me nervous were
- He was not a generous person.
- He didnt really have a career or a plan. Free spirited apparently. In reality its because he shies away from responsility
- We argued over every small thing. Totally different tastes in everything.
- He was not a generous person.
- He didnt really have a career or a plan. Free spirited apparently. In reality its because he shies away from responsility
- We argued over every small thing. Totally different tastes in everything.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 17:07
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Anonymous wrote:Never marry someone who sent able to have difficult conversations. If they avoid or just roll over and agree with you- run!!
Just dumped my boyfriend over this after 6 months of dating. This was an eye opener. No way I'm staying with a man who avoids conflict or passive aggressive. Especially if he is the cause of the conflict. My "alpha" and assertive personality can't tolerate that crap from a man. I would rather be single and happy.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 17:01
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a committed relationship, and we have been discussing marriage, but the more we discuss, the less certain I am of us and a future together. I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet because I have never ever loved someone like I love my current bf. I have not been in many serious relationships so this is the longest and most serious relationship I have experienced.
What were the warning signs that you missed that tipped you off in the end that it was the wrong person?
Please take your time. Maybe stop talking about it for awhile and just live. I am a big proponent of living together before actually making everything legal. If you are against that, have a long engagement.
It's harder to break up when you are living with someone.
+1
OP, take your time and do NOT live with him. Living with a person tends to slide into marriage without the time and space to scrutinize the man and the relationship in ways that will benefit you. You want to make a marriage decision (whichever way it goes) from a place you can leave relatively easily.
-1
Sign a one year lease-if the relationship is not working out, do not renew. Living together provides alot of information that useful for determining whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with him. It is possible for two people to love each but have incompatible views about the practicalities of life.
Living together will force you to deal with issues like household management, division of labor, finances, potential inlaws etc. Talking about it in abstract is not the same as having to practice it. Also, some people are very good at compartmentalizing the dysfunctional aspects for their life- living together makes it alot harder to hide or minimize.
This is easier said than done and costly for OP. Moving isn't cheap. Also why spend an entire year of your life? Most likely if you move in together you're on a slow walk down the aisle to the alter. That or you simply waste more time than necessary and instead of breaking up and dating other people you're still in the phase of figuring out how to move out. Don't put yourself in this position.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 16:58
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a committed relationship, and we have been discussing marriage, but the more we discuss, the less certain I am of us and a future together. I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet because I have never ever loved someone like I love my current bf. I have not been in many serious relationships so this is the longest and most serious relationship I have experienced.
What were the warning signs that you missed that tipped you off in the end that it was the wrong person?
Please take your time. Maybe stop talking about it for awhile and just live. I am a big proponent of living together before actually making everything legal. If you are against that, have a long engagement.
It's harder to break up when you are living with someone.
+1
OP, take your time and do NOT live with him. Living with a person tends to slide into marriage without the time and space to scrutinize the man and the relationship in ways that will benefit you. You want to make a marriage decision (whichever way it goes) from a place you can leave relatively easily.
-1
Sign a one year lease-if the relationship is not working out, do not renew. Living together provides alot of information that useful for determining whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with him. It is possible for two people to love each but have incompatible views about the practicalities of life.
Living together will force you to deal with issues like household management, division of labor, finances, potential inlaws etc. Talking about it in abstract is not the same as having to practice it. Also, some people are very good at compartmentalizing the dysfunctional aspects for their life- living together makes it alot harder to hide or minimize.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 16:42
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
My wife said she never masturbated much. In retrospect, that should have been a red-flag. I think I'd be happier with a self-starter.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 16:24
Subject: Re:If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Anonymous wrote:Mismatch in values
Different religious and SES background
Cared about what I wanted/needed only to the extent it didn't inconvenience him, or make him uncomfortable
Geographic inflexibility (I moved here for him and that was a huge mistake that I regret every day)
We are in marriage counseling now, but were it not for our two kids, I would have been gone long ago.
This is me. I would have made it right and stayed. He cheated. Pretty much told me I was shit and he never loved me, and he left. Years later, I have trust issues, and a completely lack of willingness to ever love or be hurt again. Years of therapy later, and it's still not OK.
Take your time. Look at your life. Who's making most of the sacrifices? Do you like his family? What are their beliefs and values? Is there a family history of cheating/lying/disregarding the other partner/etc.? It won't change for you. How's his history? You're not gonna be treated any differently than his previous women. If you have doubts, maybe listen to them. No need to rush into anything. Once kids are involved, no matter how you handle it, it's hell for them to break up the nuclear family.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 16:20
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
16:17 here. Oh, and this:
So much this. His mother is a pathological liar and gossip. I am starting to find that DH, too, tells a lot of lies. He is not a gossipy liar, but he sees nothing wrong with lying under pressure to get out of things. That dishonesty comes straight from his mother. I should have seen it as a HUGE red flag that the parent he is closest to does not value honesty.
Take a close look at his family. Regardless of what he promises, he's most likely to do what they do and behave how them behave. I seriously recommend avoiding anyone with serious mental illnesses in their family or serious family dysfunctions.
So much this. His mother is a pathological liar and gossip. I am starting to find that DH, too, tells a lot of lies. He is not a gossipy liar, but he sees nothing wrong with lying under pressure to get out of things. That dishonesty comes straight from his mother. I should have seen it as a HUGE red flag that the parent he is closest to does not value honesty.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 16:17
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
I had nothing at all in common with his family and friends. This is proving to be a big problem, since he is close to his circle. We still don't have any friends in common after 5 years together.
We argued constantly.
I didn't really want to get married, but felt social pressure and also didn't want to lose him by saying no.
We argued constantly.
I didn't really want to get married, but felt social pressure and also didn't want to lose him by saying no.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 15:05
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
This
"Never marry someone who sent able to have difficult conversations. If they avoid or just roll over and agree with you- run!!'
This
"You can *talk* through disagreements; he can stay without getting overly emotional or wanting to be right or getting his way all the time. The same applies to you. You both should be looking for win-win solutions where possible. No yelling, name-calling or hitting!"
This
"In realtiy this kind of guy was made to bend and push down all normal negative feelings, and has the kind of mother who will make your lives hell.
His suppressed negative emotions will have a tendency to find their way to the surface like repulsive worms, in ways and at times you'd least expect it.
Another thing I will watch out for is someone who can't regulate emotions in a healthy way--like, he blows up over nothing, takes out his stresses and angers on others, and can't have a normal discussion without getting so worked up he has to shut it down or yell. A lot of times they're good at hiding that they do this, and people who don't live with them have no idea."
This
"How does he handle disappointment and bad breaks? I ignored how despondent my BF got over setbacks in his career--I didn't want to be the girl who left a guy at his low point. But the truth is that life has a lot of set backs and you don't want to be with someone that doesn't handle them well. My grandmother had a framed print that said something like any man can greet a sunny day with a smile, but the measure of a man is whether he can keep the smile when it starts to pour. I saw it years later and thought "yeah"
Also (my addition)
Take a close look at his family. Regardless of what he promises, he's most likely to do what they do and behave how them behave. I seriously recommend avoiding anyone with serious mental illnesses in their family or serious family dysfunctions.
"Never marry someone who sent able to have difficult conversations. If they avoid or just roll over and agree with you- run!!'
This
"You can *talk* through disagreements; he can stay without getting overly emotional or wanting to be right or getting his way all the time. The same applies to you. You both should be looking for win-win solutions where possible. No yelling, name-calling or hitting!"
This
"In realtiy this kind of guy was made to bend and push down all normal negative feelings, and has the kind of mother who will make your lives hell.
His suppressed negative emotions will have a tendency to find their way to the surface like repulsive worms, in ways and at times you'd least expect it.
Another thing I will watch out for is someone who can't regulate emotions in a healthy way--like, he blows up over nothing, takes out his stresses and angers on others, and can't have a normal discussion without getting so worked up he has to shut it down or yell. A lot of times they're good at hiding that they do this, and people who don't live with them have no idea."
This
"How does he handle disappointment and bad breaks? I ignored how despondent my BF got over setbacks in his career--I didn't want to be the girl who left a guy at his low point. But the truth is that life has a lot of set backs and you don't want to be with someone that doesn't handle them well. My grandmother had a framed print that said something like any man can greet a sunny day with a smile, but the measure of a man is whether he can keep the smile when it starts to pour. I saw it years later and thought "yeah"
Also (my addition)
Take a close look at his family. Regardless of what he promises, he's most likely to do what they do and behave how them behave. I seriously recommend avoiding anyone with serious mental illnesses in their family or serious family dysfunctions.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 10:03
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Never marry someone who sent able to have difficult conversations. If they avoid or just roll over and agree with you- run!!
Anonymous
09/19/2016 09:41
Subject: Re:If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
1) Assumed that he and I were more similar than we actually were. Overlooked his shyness. 10+ years later it's a huge problem b/c he's socially awkward and it's impacted our social life. Much harder to make friends as couples.
2) His family. Underestimated how much impact it would have on our lives. Now with kids (my mom is deceased), they have a very cold, selfish grandmother.
I would say these are the two largest problems. If I could do it all over again, I would have found someone who is more sociable and who has a warmer family.
2) His family. Underestimated how much impact it would have on our lives. Now with kids (my mom is deceased), they have a very cold, selfish grandmother.
I would say these are the two largest problems. If I could do it all over again, I would have found someone who is more sociable and who has a warmer family.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 07:58
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Anonymous wrote:Things I will heed next time:
He talks about his mother as if she's a saint/martyr and can do no wrong, and says he never had and has no negative feelings at all about things that happened with her in the past. Anyone who can't see loved ones for who they are, and who can't acknowledge negatives is dangerous.
In realtiy this kind of guy was made to bend and push down all normal negative feelings, and has the kind of mother who will make your lives hell.
His suppressed negative emotions will have a tendency to find their way to the surface like repulsive worms, in ways and at times you'd least expect it.
Another thing I will watch out for is someone who can't regulate emotions in a healthy way--like, he blows up over nothing, takes out his stresses and angers on others, and can't have a normal discussion without getting so worked up he has to shut it down or yell. A lot of times they're good at hiding that they do this, and people who don't live with them have no idea.
Another thing I'd watch out for is whether they truly feel empathy or are they just fairly good at faking it. Do they look out for what's best for you, or do they push their needs over yours? Are they surprisingly tolerant of bad behavior in others, like, it doesn't even bother them and they don't seem to realize that people get hurt? Watch out. They probably operate with a whole different moral compass than you do.
Another thing I would note: Are they very susceptible to flattery? Watch out for people with a weak sense of self. They can't have your back. They don't even have their own, and will be prone to cheating.
My DH until I called him out on it (when he was going on flirty lunches with out GF's and sending flirty emails to old GF's). What is that about?!
Did not make me feel good. He stopped - but I never understood the why. Why set up a life together to do that? Any little bit of flattery and he was 'in'.
Anonymous
09/19/2016 07:55
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Anonymous wrote:Things I will heed next time:
He talks about his mother as if she's a saint/martyr and can do no wrong, and says he never had and has no negative feelings at all about things that happened with her in the past. Anyone who can't see loved ones for who they are, and who can't acknowledge negatives is dangerous.
In realtiy this kind of guy was made to bend and push down all normal negative feelings, and has the kind of mother who will make your lives hell.
His suppressed negative emotions will have a tendency to find their way to the surface like repulsive worms, in ways and at times you'd least expect it.
Another thing I will watch out for is someone who can't regulate emotions in a healthy way--like, he blows up over nothing, takes out his stresses and angers on others, and can't have a normal discussion without getting so worked up he has to shut it down or yell. A lot of times they're good at hiding that they do this, and people who don't live with them have no idea.
Another thing I'd watch out for is whether they truly feel empathy or are they just fairly good at faking it. Do they look out for what's best for you, or do they push their needs over yours? Are they surprisingly tolerant of bad behavior in others, like, it doesn't even bother them and they don't seem to realize that people get hurt? Watch out. They probably operate with a whole different moral compass than you do.
[/b]Another thing I would note: Are they very susceptible to flattery? Watch out for people with a weak sense of self. They can't have your back. They don't even have their own, and will be prone to cheating.[b]
My DH until I called him out on it (when he was going on flirty lunches with out GF's and sending flirty emails to old GF's). What is that about?!
Did not make me feel good. He stopped - but I never u set stood the why. Why set up a life together to do that?
Anonymous
09/19/2016 07:52
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a committed relationship, and we have been discussing marriage, but the more we discuss, the less certain I am of us and a future together. I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet because I have never ever loved someone like I love my current bf. I have not been in many serious relationships so this is the longest and most serious relationship I have experienced.
What were the warning signs that you missed that tipped you off in the end that it was the wrong person?
Please take your time. Maybe stop talking about it for awhile and just live. I am a big proponent of living together before actually making everything legal. If you are against that, have a long engagement.
It's harder to break up when you are living with someone.
+1
OP, take your time and do NOT live with him. Living with a person tends to slide into marriage without the time and space to scrutinize the man and the relationship in ways that will benefit you. You want to make a marriage decision (whichever way it goes) from a place you can leave relatively easily.
+10000
Anonymous
09/19/2016 07:50
Subject: If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a committed relationship, and we have been discussing marriage, but the more we discuss, the less certain I am of us and a future together. I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet because I have never ever loved someone like I love my current bf. I have not been in many serious relationships so this is the longest and most serious relationship I have experienced.
What were the warning signs that you missed that tipped you off in the end that it was the wrong person?
Please take your time. Maybe stop talking about it for awhile and just live. I am a big proponent of living together before actually making everything legal. If you are against that, have a long engagement.
It's harder to break up when you are living with someone.
+1
OP, take your time and do NOT live with him. Living with a person tends to slide into marriage without the time and space to scrutinize the man and the relationship in ways that will benefit you. You want to make a marriage decision (whichever way it goes) from a place you can leave relatively easily.