Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex isn't everything. I was married for 8 years, had three kids, and we always had passionate sex, usually about 4 times a week. Except for the six weeks after the babies were born, we never went a full week without sex. We were young though, got married in our 20s. We had a lot of problems because he was an alcoholic so we found alot over that and eventually divorced. Even when we were separated, we had to reset the clock at least once because we had passionate, on the floor, rip your clothes off sex. So sex is an important part of marriage but it's only one element. Appreciate what you have and work on it.

The anger and resentment a couple (even if they have a good relationship) feels toward each other can fuel hot sex. But sex like that, without some amount of tender and really connected "making love" to balance it out, only goes so far.

Anonymous wrote:Your question was do MOST married couples have sex such as you describe (rushing to have sex the minute you arrive home from work), and the answer is a resounding NO. Most couples married for more than 5 years are having very little sex (read this forum) and when they do its not the passion fueled hot sex you're talking about.

Anonymous wrote:well, with 3 kids (older kids so not as needy as toddlers/infants), we have really good regular sex (it was always really good and just got sooo much better as we've gotten older).

But usually once a week or so we have wild sex - either bc we had a some wine and fun (heavy foreplay) on the couch late at night or he or I was particularly horny after having gone out for date night. Sometimes we never make it upstairs to the bedroom

When DH travels (he is overseas every few months for a couple of weeks), I literally tear his clothes off (and he also unbelievably raring to go) the day he comes home and usually for a couple of days immediately upon his return.

So it seems odd that your DH doesn't feel this way.

Anonymous wrote:Sex isn't everything. I was married for 8 years, had three kids, and we always had passionate sex, usually about 4 times a week. Except for the six weeks after the babies were born, we never went a full week without sex. We were young though, got married in our 20s. We had a lot of problems because he was an alcoholic so we found alot over that and eventually divorced. Even when we were separated, we had to reset the clock at least once because we had passionate, on the floor, rip your clothes off sex. So sex is an important part of marriage but it's only one element. Appreciate what you have and work on it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, we still have regular sex a couple times a week. However, we also have two little kids. That means rip your clothes off as soon as spouse walks through the door sex is a no go.

Sex is strictly a bedroom activity and only at night.

Plus, during the day my mind is always (at least a little bit) on the kids. The passionate all the time/anywhere type sex you describe is for the beginning of the relationship and romantic weekends away from home.

Hi wife! This is exactly what my wife would write. She's right, of course, from an intellectual standpoint. And we do have sex a couple times a month, so its not sexless.

But this is also what makes OP, me, totally long for affairs. Just. One. More. Chance. For. Rip. Your. Clothes. Off. Sex!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in this same bad place, except it's DW who feels that way. We never had fireworks, but the sex has gotten to near-non-existent (early June was the last time). DW was always on the "curvy" side and now, post-baby, has really never gotten off the pregnancy weight. I don't actually mind but she was already shy and self-conscious and now is super self-conscious to the point of not really wanting to have sex. DW wasn't as experienced or "skilled" but that never bothered me - mostly vanilla missionary is fine - but I am unhappy that my attempts to initiate are met more with sex-negativity than just declining - that smacks of avoidance.

This sounds familiar. On top of the stuff you describe, the room kept getting darker and darker when we had sex. There kept being more rules about when we could do it. Her shirt came off less and less. She needed a 20 minute massage before we could get on to sexier kinds of foreplay. Once we got going, she would generally do what I suggested, but took less and less initiative. Ugh.

huh, maybe if you took joy in what turns her on instead of saying "ugh" about it, you'd have a better sex life. and yuck, your barometer of good sex is that she "generally does what you suggested"? frankly you sound like a jerk and a bad lay.

Anonymous wrote:DW here- this is why I have an AP. DH is no longer interested. I'm so much happier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in this same bad place, except it's DW who feels that way. We never had fireworks, but the sex has gotten to near-non-existent (early June was the last time). DW was always on the "curvy" side and now, post-baby, has really never gotten off the pregnancy weight. I don't actually mind but she was already shy and self-conscious and now is super self-conscious to the point of not really wanting to have sex. DW wasn't as experienced or "skilled" but that never bothered me - mostly vanilla missionary is fine - but I am unhappy that my attempts to initiate are met more with sex-negativity than just declining - that smacks of avoidance.

This sounds familiar. On top of the stuff you describe, the room kept getting darker and darker when we had sex. There kept being more rules about when we could do it. Her shirt came off less and less. She needed a 20 minute massage before we could get on to sexier kinds of foreplay. Once we got going, she would generally do what I suggested, but took less and less initiative. Ugh.

huh, maybe if you took joy in what turns her on instead of saying "ugh" about it, you'd have a better sex life. and yuck, your barometer of good sex is that she "generally does what you suggested"? frankly you sound like a jerk and a bad lay.

My barometer of good sex isn't her doing what I suggest. I want her to take some initiative & show some creativity. I feel like I make all the effort to turn her on, and she makes no effort to reciprocate. My "ugh" comes from the feeling of a one-way street. It's like having an improv partner who used to respond and add to any premise you threw out but now, years later, either stands mute when you say something or tells you that your premise is stupid and asks you to read from a script that's a monologue. I used to have a partner, now I have an audience.

Anonymous wrote:
But that's not what you said. You complained about things she likes, like dim lighting and massages. If you can't respect her preferences then she can probably sense your disdain. It's really you turning it into a monologue.

Anonymous wrote:Listen, we still have regular sex a couple times a week. However, we also have two little kids. That means rip your clothes off as soon as spouse walks through the door sex is a no go.

Sex is strictly a bedroom activity and only at night.

Plus, during the day my mind is always (at least a little bit) on the kids. The passionate all the time/anywhere type sex you describe is for the beginning of the relationship and romantic weekends away from home.