Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

This is me.

We NEVER had that spark but he is a great guy who treats me so well. I have never wanted to jump his bones. Its not his fault. He is perfect.

Me too unfortunately.

As a DH who wonders if he is on the other side of this, I wonder, have any of you DWs told him this is how you feel? Has he asked? Sometimes I think I'd be better off if she were just honest with me about things. It gets hard trying endlessly to rekindle a fire that maybe was never there in the first place.....

OP here. But would you want to truly know? Do you want to be told that your wife doesn't love you? I never understood what people meant by "we just grew apart." I just felt it was a bs answer but now that is my answer. I suppose we could do more date nights but I don't even want to put in that effort. Our communication will be minimum. Our affection will be minimum.

Oh, sounds as though you don't want to even try. No sympathy here.

Here's what I'm confused about, OP -- do you like him? I mean, as a person?
If the answer is yes, then I think you've got something great, and you just don't really understand what love is. Love is not "sparks" and butterflies and the shit in the movies.

If the answer is no, then I'm not sure what to tell you. If you never liked him, then this might really be doomed, and you should just let him find someone that will like him and love him. If the answer is no, not now, but I used to like him, then I think you owe it to your kids to figure out why you don't like him anymore. If it's just boredom and the usual crap about he doesn't put his socks away, then you need to figure out a way to get over it and appreciate the guy you've got. Because the grass will not be greener anywhere else. And, chances are, the grass will be significantly browner someplace else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have sex all the time, the sex is great, and yet the problem is the missing spark? What? Your post makes no sense without additional information. Maybe you want to provide some more backstory if you really want advice.

The concept of having sex, great sex even, without love and a romantic attraction, whixh appears to be what OP is describing, is foreign to many women who mentally must co-mingle love and sex, but most men will wholly get the concept.

Why would you want to have sex with someone you're not attracted to? Isn't that what she means by "no spark" or passion?

Anonymous wrote:There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame?

I think the stereotypical belief is wrong. I think those butterflies in the stomach and the sparks is lust, not love. It's that physical attraction so hard that you have a sexual response to it. For me, love is not that. Frankly that comes and goes. I have had those feeling off and on in the 17 years (14 married) that I have been with my wife. But what is love? It's that feeling of concern when the other person's well-being is more important than your own. When you would rather do something for your partner than something for yourself. When given the chance of protecting your spouse vs protecting yourself, you protect the spouse. When you look for things to do to help your partner, cheer up your partner, or just do things to make life easier for your partner.

My mother (who just celebrated her 58th anniversary to my dad a few months ago) told me many years ago that love comes and goes. But make sure that you really like your partner so that your marriage can survive the periods when the love is missing. This happened when our twins were born. That first year was hard. Lots of work, sleep deprivation, and resentment for all sorts of things. But through it all, we both still had each other's well-being ahead of our own. Love and marriage takes work to sustain and support. If you just take it for granted, or go through the motions, it will fade and the person will not continue to be more important to you than anyone else including yourself. So you work to keep that person important. It takes work on both sides to sustain it.

How do you sustain it? You nurture it by thinking about the person and what they like, what makes their life easier, what makes them feel special. It is different for every person and every couple. It doesn't have to be the stereotypical romantic gestures (much as jewelry companies would have you believe), but whatever makes the person feel special. My dad is now 90 and has mobility issues. My mother had to go out of the country for a couple of weeks to visit family and take care of some family business recently and my dad wasn't up to the trip, so Mom went alone. Even though we had good friends stay with Dad at home and help take care of him and my brother and niece went for half of the trip, my dad's health noticeably declined. When my mother returned, he perked back up within about 2 days. My brother took Dad to his favorite restaurant, but it wasn't the same without Mom. My mother came home and cooked a few of his favorite foods, fixed a few things in his den where he watches TV and generally pampered him and he perked up immensely. My wife notices when I'm feeling stressed and will take the kids and head out for several hours giving me free run of the house with no one to take care of but myself. When my wife is feeling tired, I do both my chores and hers and give her some time to do something that she wants to do, like maybe head upstairs and just watch TV and veg out for a couple of hours. We regularly buy each other small gifts that we think the other will enjoy. Something that just says "This made me think of you today. I hope it brings a smile to your face."

We've been through a lot including highs and lows but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else and she's the only one I want to be with. And that's whether or not I'm feeling the butterflies in my stomach or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love is an action.

Sparks are not love.

Grow up.

This

Please do so to explain. I should grow up and suck it up because my husband and I do not have a connection?

Wait, you have sex all the time but you don't love him and you have no passion or spark? Weird.

OP and PPs: did you marry because it was "time"?
Why did you marry a man you weren't attracted to?
Just wondering. It seems so common, based on this forum.

Anonymous wrote:You have sex all the time, the sex is great, and yet the problem is the missing spark? What? Your post makes no sense without additional information. Maybe you want to provide some more backstory if you really want advice.

The concept of having sex, great sex even, without love and a romantic attraction, whixh appears to be what OP is describing, is foreign to many women who mentally must co-mingle love and sex, but most men will wholly get the concept.

OP, have you ever felt that "spark"? I have once when I was younger, but the older me realizes that relationship wouldn't have lasted. I don't feel that same spark with my DH, but I do love him (though right now I'm kind of annoyed with him, but I digress), and he is overall a better man. Sure, it would be fantastic to have my cake and eat it, too, but that's not always possible. To me, it's kind of like being able to work in career that I am 100% passionate about. There are very few of us who are able to have this kind of career and make a good living out of it. I don't see it as sad.. I just see at as realistic and grown up.

Love is a choice that you make every single day. It is not butterflies in your stomach, romance, endorphins, and roses. Those things are great and happen occasionally. Lasting love is different. It's less of a feeling and more of an action.

-married 30 years.

OP, here's a question for you.

Have you "been in love" before? Are you having this realization because you are remembering those feelings or feeling that way about someone other than your husband? Did a close friend just get married to someone she is in love with or divorced from someone she feels about the way you feel about your husband?

In short, where is this coming from?

Anonymous wrote:Do things in groups. I find that if its just me and wife out for dinner, the conversation unfortunately turns to the routine, kids, etc. If we have a group dinner with other fun couples, I notice how fun and flirty she is, and I am sure she does the same. You see each other in a different light.

This! I like DH much better when we are in a group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

This is me.

We NEVER had that spark but he is a great guy who treats me so well. I have never wanted to jump his bones. Its not his fault. He is perfect.

If someone else wanted to jump his bones, would that spark your desire? Just curious.

hmm actually yes

NP. What you are going through is classic. Marriage, in general, neuters men. There is no more tension and uncertainty all of the things that make women feel "connection." "Connection" by the way is ridiculously transient. It is not a fixed thing about a particular person. You probably DID feeling some with your DH earlier on but now that you don't feel it can't even remember it to begin with.

Another way to bring on this feeling is to do exciting things together - things that get your heart rate up like going to a shooting range or paragliding or other such things. There is research on this. Your body misconstrues the excitement/nervousness as the feelings of infatuation. Also it will bring about your attraction and interest to see your DH tackling something new.

DO NOT convince yourself that you married the wrong man over this hooey, please for the love of god. It is a disaster that can be avoided with a little more understanding about how attraction works, how transient it is, and how to recreate some of it to keep you satisfied.

Um, no. Not really. But nice try.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

This is me.

We NEVER had that spark but he is a great guy who treats me so well. I have never wanted to jump his bones. Its not his fault. He is perfect.

If someone else wanted to jump his bones, would that spark your desire? Just curious.

NP. I am in the same situation as OP and I hope DH finds an AP because I am just not interested in him romantically. I would actually like a reason to leave without feeling as if I betrayed my children and ruined a good guy's life.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

FWIW - I don't know your husband. But if he is like me, and most men, he is super happy with a cool partner that is a good mom and is having great sex with him all the time. I don't need some deep soulful connection from my wife. I am the typical simple man - eat, sleep, sex, work, healthy kids, a non-overbearing wife that has interests of her own. You sound pretty good to me!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have two children together. The youngest is 4 months. I do not feel like I love my husband anymore. Not sure if I ever did. We had happy moments but nothing that swept me off of my feet. We married, had children, have stable jobs, and blah blah blah. We did what we were supposed to do. However, something is missing. There is no spark. There is no flame. What do I do if there was never a flame? I rather spend time with the kids than with him. Do not get me wrong though... He is a good guy. Not mean, a good provider, and all that good stuff. What am I missing that I desire? I have no post partum depression. I love my kids, enjoy going out, being with co workers.... It's just him. I'm angry at myself for not loving him like I should when he has done nothing. We are highly sexual people and have sex all of the time so that is not it. Advice?

This is me.

We NEVER had that spark but he is a great guy who treats me so well. I have never wanted to jump his bones. Its not his fault. He is perfect.

Me too unfortunately.

As a DH who wonders if he is on the other side of this, I wonder, have any of you DWs told him this is how you feel? Has he asked? Sometimes I think I'd be better off if she were just honest with me about things. It gets hard trying endlessly to rekindle a fire that maybe was never there in the first place.....

OP here. But would you want to truly know? Do you want to be told that your wife doesn't love you? I never understood what people meant by "we just grew apart." I just felt it was a bs answer but now that is my answer. I suppose we could do more date nights but I don't even want to put in that effort. Our communication will be minimum. Our affection will be minimum.

Well, what is the alternative, if it is the truth? I suppose if he is not expressing any concerns it might be worth letting that sleeping dog lie, but if there are issues and this is the root cause, I'd certainly want to know.