My best friend just ended his marriage after 15 years together and honestly, his relationship with his ex is so much better now. They are really great co-parents and their girls as so much happier. They were terrible to be around when they were married but now, I am astounded at how well they get along. In their case, I think they did their kids and themselves a favor by splitting up. Sometimes divorce is the better option.

Anonymous wrote:If you are fine with it, great.

But it IS the failure of the publicly stated goal you declared when you exchanged vows in front of your friends and family (and legally, to the state of wherever) when you got married. By getting married, you declared that your choice, your goal, your decision was to be with this person as long as you both shall live. So you failed at that goal.

You didn't have to set that goal. You could have been together as long as you wanted to without getting married. But you got married. And your marriage failed.

Nope. Then the criticism would have been about why are they together if they don't plan to marry. Are they not serious about each other? How could they bring children into such an immoral union? And on, and on, and on.

OP you do you and screw the rest.

If you are fine with it, great.

But it IS the failure of the publicly stated goal you declared when you exchanged vows in front of your friends and family (and legally, to the state of wherever) when you got married. By getting married, you declared that your choice, your goal, your decision was to be with this person as long as you both shall live. So you failed at that goal.

You didn't have to set that goal. You could have been together as long as you wanted to without getting married. But you got married. And your marriage failed.

Anonymous wrote:
Because in our society, the end of marriage is a sad occurrence.

OP, you were brave enough to accept this for yourself, so now you have to be brave enough to take the social consequences - I hope you knew this was going to happen. It's part of the deal.

What's brave about failure ?

Anonymous wrote:Because they know what you are unwilling to acknowledge: divorce is really hard even with adult children. For them and for you.

They know you just signed away half of your grandparenting time.

What a weird question. My father is the only grandparent on my side (my mother is deceased) and he's never spent more than 10 or 15 hours a year with my kids. Do people really let a future lack of time with grandchildren prevent them from divorcing?

I think divorce is probably, by definition, some kind of failure because your original plans to be together forever didn't work. (or so I assume, and so will most people). that doesn't mean it wasn't the right choice for you and yours. Sometimes cutting off a failing enterprise is better than sticking with it. People badmouthing your ex are *probably* trying to be supportive; just tell them it's not supportive and you don't want to hear it. People trying to console you assume you're upset that the marriage didn't work out. Take comfort in their good intentions but tell them politely to shove it. That you're happy with the decision and the hard part is over.

Anonymous wrote:Mostly it's fear that this will happen to them. Or denial that it *is* happening to them.

Not for me. I have zero fear of this happening to me. But I think after 26 years, there was probably a build up of little thjngs that never got aired. A continuing relationship required continuing communication about things OTHER THAN the kids and other things that you must talk about. You may have spent years making no effort to get to know each other. The thought "I know you" is a death knell to a marriage. The goofy thing is, it can still be saved, but they have resolved not to, either from fear of failing at resolution or boredom/laziness. If I invested 26 years, I would hope I would do better.

Anonymous wrote:Because realistically, you are looking at living and dying alone. Both of you will take a significant financial hit, and so will your children eventually. Not to say it's the end of the world, but it is a failure in a sense that your and DH's potential to spend your older years together will not be realized. It is sad, otherwise you wouldn't cry about it.

Good point here. I've been divorced from my ex for almost 10 years and I'm remarried and there are so many things that would have made staying together better for everyone that I just didn't get until very recently. The financial hit is a big one, but I could have mitigated that by holding off on decision making for 1 yr post divorce. The loss of contact with extended family, the loss of friends. The loss of your kids connectedness to a network and the kids having to have 2 separate lives, one with each parent. This is the case even if they are adults.

You say that your husband is adamant about living elsewhere. Even if you had 2 homes you may be better off staying together. You won't see this pov for a long time. There are more things, I'm not thinking of everything right now.

I really did not like my ex as a person. Even now I think that he is a self-centered jerk. But we had 2 kids and I can see if there was some way to hold our marriage together it would have probably benefitted all of us.

Anonymous wrote:I'm suprised at the tone of this thread. Every other thread is full of people advising divorce and talking about their miserable marriages and how they'll get out once the kids are grown. We all know a lot of divorced people. Yet here's this pocket of horrified 1950s judgment.

+1

I'm suprised at the tone of this thread. Every other thread is full of people advising divorce and talking about their miserable marriages and how they'll get out once the kids are grown. We all know a lot of divorced people. Yet here's this pocket of horrified 1950s judgment.

Anonymous wrote:Because you just made the worst financial decision of your life.

+1. And because it's very common for women to underestimate the financial impact of divorce. If you're rich enough, great, but you can't expect other people to know that. I've seen this go bad way too many times to be happy about it.

Because you just made the worst financial decision of your life.

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that my DH's parents divorced when he was an adult. It was difficult for him at the time but now, ten years later, he is happy that both of his parents are happier than they were. His father remarried almost immediately which was weird at the time but now he is glad his father found happiness with someone. His mother has not remarried or even dated but DH believes she is much happier now.

That's great. But don't forget, elder care is going to be way more difficult and complicated.

I just want to say that my DH's parents divorced when he was an adult. It was difficult for him at the time but now, ten years later, he is happy that both of his parents are happier than they were. His father remarried almost immediately which was weird at the time but now he is glad his father found happiness with someone. His mother has not remarried or even dated but DH believes she is much happier now.

I think people don't really know what to say/how to react.

People are judgy about things unless they have lived through it themselves. You never really understand unless you walk a mile in someone's shoes.

I would tell them what you said. "We had a good run, lived a lot of life together and had adventure.

I'll always be fond of STBXH and we will always be part of a family, even if we are no longer married".