Anonymous wrote:"Honey, I love you and am excited to finally get away with you for some alone time. I feel like we've been in a rut, and I know this is a hard conversation to have, but I want to take ten minutes and discuss 'us' before we go. No blaming and no defensiveness, just honesty. Hopefully this way we can put some awkwardness and resentments to rest so we can truly enjoy each other."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark[b]. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

OP here. He does not make advances so there are none to rebuke. He's not particularly high drive, so it's not like he's been begging me for it and I've declined. It has just slipped by the wayside. There are other aspects to him that have decreased my desire for him on the physical and mental side. We did do some counseling last year but had to stop when DH had a medical issue. Neither of us really believe in divorce except in the case of adultery/abuse/addiction and I'm sure the grass isn't always greener. He knows he has a good partner in me and is too protective over our collective accounts to part with any of it over a divorce.

I have told him that all I want from him is to show some thoughtfulness. He has never planned a date although I've told him it would be lovely if he did. He just waits until it's the 9th hour and asks me to do it. Then it's a chore for me and not something to look forward to. Romance is not really in his vocabulary. He likes to be shown that I'm thinking about him/doing nice things for him but it doesn't really occur to him to reciprocate. There's always been a twinge of this, but it has gotten worse. Once he had me he pretty much stopped trying.

We do have fun together when we're around other people in social situations.

Anonymous wrote:The biggest issue jumping out from your post is that you don't want to go on vacation with your husband, for many reasons, and the thought of having alone time and sex with him gives you anxiety. That is a massive red flag. Not sure if you realize how that sounds, but to me I can't see your marriage lasting much longer.

He is totally in the wrong on not planning the vacation, and you need to discuss this. But you bedroom was dead before this.

I would tell him all of this, the anxiety, the fear of being intimate. You might as well unpack it. Hopefully you will be able to offer solutions as to what you need to feel loved and valued in the marriage and he can do the same.

Anonymous wrote:He can't plan a vacation? That is pretty sad in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, try to get some counseling in before you go and set of things to work om, together, while you are on vacation.

My husband is the same type of "check the box" person in his non-work life. Never connects the dots, never truly present, goes through the motions and then thinks he's doing it all. Same with all my presents - bday, anniversary, xmas. I get a present months later after he asks me exactly what i want or we shoppin together.

In reality I want a spouse who is a partner in life, can talk, can offer support, can plan things himself, does more than the superficial movements.

It'd be just like him to book a couples vacation in order to reconnect and the have zilch to say at breakfast, lunch and dinner and then resort to reading his iPhone. Sigh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark[b]. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

OP here. He does not make advances so there are none to rebuke. He's not particularly high drive, so it's not like he's been begging me for it and I've declined. It has just slipped by the wayside. There are other aspects to him that have decreased my desire for him on the physical and mental side. We did do some counseling last year but had to stop when DH had a medical issue. Neither of us really believe in divorce except in the case of adultery/abuse/addiction and I'm sure the grass isn't always greener. He knows he has a good partner in me and is too protective over our collective accounts to part with any of it over a divorce.

I have told him that all I want from him is to show some thoughtfulness. He has never planned a date although I've told him it would be lovely if he did. He just waits until it's the 9th hour and asks me to do it. Then it's a chore for me and not something to look forward to. Romance is not really in his vocabulary. He likes to be shown that I'm thinking about him/doing nice things for him but it doesn't really occur to him to reciprocate. There's always been a twinge of this, but it has gotten worse. Once he had me he pretty much stopped trying.

We do have fun together when we're around other people in social situations.

Sometimes a reliable guy who does everything in the day to day is not the super fun exciting guy with a ton of ideas. Rarely you can have both, but it sounds like you are mature and can handle this.

Since you do everything you should switch the vacation to one you can enjoy. It sounds like your dynamic is that if you are happy and pleased he will follow along without a thought in his head, so change your focus from pleasing him to pleasing you.

This may also work to revive the bedroom. Get yourself in a sexy frame of mind and take him along for the ride. I think he has shown that at least he is mature enough not to divorce or cheat — and let’s be honest, he probably couldn’t figure out how to do that himself either! — so you can take his preferences off your mental load and just live the life that is best for you. He might be inspired when you activate yourself… at least that’s what has happened in our house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark[b]. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

OP here. He does not make advances so there are none to rebuke. He's not particularly high drive, so it's not like he's been begging me for it and I've declined. It has just slipped by the wayside. There are other aspects to him that have decreased my desire for him on the physical and mental side. We did do some counseling last year but had to stop when DH had a medical issue. Neither of us really believe in divorce except in the case of adultery/abuse/addiction and I'm sure the grass isn't always greener. He knows he has a good partner in me and is too protective over our collective accounts to part with any of it over a divorce.

I have told him that all I want from him is to show some thoughtfulness. He has never planned a date although I've told him it would be lovely if he did. He just waits until it's the 9th hour and asks me to do it. Then it's a chore for me and not something to look forward to. Romance is not really in his vocabulary. He likes to be shown that I'm thinking about him/doing nice things for him but it doesn't really occur to him to reciprocate. There's always been a twinge of this, but it has gotten worse. Once he had me he pretty much stopped trying.

We do have fun together when we're around other people in social situations.

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't your husband sit down with you as you're on the computer booking a trip so he knows how to plan a future trip, so he can see all the details and logistics involved, and see all (or limiting) options

Teach a man to fish....and all that

For now, is there a compromise - can you just do a long 3day weekend trip within a 2-hr drive or something. You won't be gone long, kid will survive grandma's, and the 2 of you can escape/reset/clear the air, open-up.

Anonymous wrote:My ExH was like this. It was like I was his mother, having to do everything for him, he couldn't do anything for himself. He relied on me 100% for everything except for his going to work (usually)

Within the past year, he needed me to help him plan his vacation with his girlfriend, because, "You always did all this stuff for me, I don't know how to do it". We are still friends, so it's not as weird as it sounds, and his girlfriend was very appreciative of the help, but still. Men like that don't change. They've been enabled too long. You better do a 180 and change the dynamics, or accept having a "partner" who doesn't pull their own weight in your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your sex life going. He has said he needs to reconnect with you. Men don't feel connected without sex. Someone has to make the first move. Sounds like your marriage is teetering on disaster. What about sex before you leave to take the awkwardness away?

I agree your husband sounds unthoughtful, he should be a man and take initaitive

Here is someone who gets it, thank you for posting this. As a man, I can see where he's coming from and if your dead sex life and constant rebuking of his advances has him trying to find a way to reignite that spark. He should take more initiative, but I can tell you his motivation factor feels low because it seems like you've checked out physically and now emotionally.

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and let him find someone who would love to go on trips with him.

Fixed the ending....

You have two option, try to reconnect somehow and see if you're still in this marriage- or get out and find someone who is not a child, who can plan a trip for your anniversary and you would love to go on trips with.

Except it's wrong. He should have taken more initiative...sure. But being in a sexless marriage with no connection to his wife, where is the motivation? She's checked out, stop stringing the poor guy along and let him go be with someone who wants to be with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The biggest issue jumping out from your post is that you don't want to go on vacation with your husband, for many reasons, and the thought of having alone time and sex with him gives you anxiety. That is a massive red flag. Not sure if you realize how that sounds, but to me I can't see your marriage lasting much longer.

He is totally in the wrong on not planning the vacation, and you need to discuss this. But you bedroom was dead before this.

I would tell him all of this, the anxiety, the fear of being intimate. You might as well unpack it. Hopefully you will be able to offer solutions as to what you need to feel loved and valued in the marriage and he can do the same.

I doubt the bedroom was dead to a fully engaged, loving man who planned vacations.

It has been 15 years and he has NEVER planned a vacation. I can't even imagine how many other things he does not do.

OP, Can your husband order Chinese carryout or do you have to do that too?[/quote]

Not OP, but this nails it. Can I tell you about the time my in-laws were passing through sort of unexpectedly and I told my husband that I was sorry but I would be home late and to do whatever he wanted for dinner and I'd join or get my own - and I was REALLY SORRY. And then I came home at 7:30pm to everyone sitting on the couch (including a 9 and 5 year old) and my husband literally asked, "What did you want to do for dinner?" and the only thing that allowed me to hold it together was my MIL's look of complete understanding in that moment.

My marriage has been dead for years. I haven't been married to a partner, much less a man, since day one. I wish I would have come to that realization a long time ago.