Anonymous
09/09/2016 22:12
Subject: DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"
OP, I posted earlier about fighting with my SIL on the eve of my mother's funeral because I felt like she was trying to take it over.
I just wanted to add a note of sympathy for your FIL; he's probably not trying to be an attention hog/drama king. After my mother passed, my father became a big public crier. I had seen him cry once, maybe twice in 36 years and suddenly every place we'd go he would cry because he remembered being there with my mom (even when that wasn't always the case!) Honestly it bugged me too. I thought it was kind of narcissistic tbh. Now, I have enough distance that I can appreciate he was just that sad, and that incapable of dealing with it without expressing it to others.
Also, huge sympathies to you. My father is now in an advanced stage of Alzheimers, under hospice care and barely cognizant. He will be in a better place when he dies. And I can't write that without crying. Your grief over the loss of an elderly parent, "on schedule" so to speak, is no less valid than someone who lost a parent a decade or two younger. My mother died at 63; it was a different kind of awful but it's all still awful. I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope you and your family can work your way through this tough period.
I just wanted to add a note of sympathy for your FIL; he's probably not trying to be an attention hog/drama king. After my mother passed, my father became a big public crier. I had seen him cry once, maybe twice in 36 years and suddenly every place we'd go he would cry because he remembered being there with my mom (even when that wasn't always the case!) Honestly it bugged me too. I thought it was kind of narcissistic tbh. Now, I have enough distance that I can appreciate he was just that sad, and that incapable of dealing with it without expressing it to others.
Also, huge sympathies to you. My father is now in an advanced stage of Alzheimers, under hospice care and barely cognizant. He will be in a better place when he dies. And I can't write that without crying. Your grief over the loss of an elderly parent, "on schedule" so to speak, is no less valid than someone who lost a parent a decade or two younger. My mother died at 63; it was a different kind of awful but it's all still awful. I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope you and your family can work your way through this tough period.
Anonymous
09/09/2016 21:27
Subject: DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"
Anonymous wrote:I feel like your husband should win the grief contest, based on the info you gave. Just my opinion.
No. No one should win because there should not be a contest. OP is trying to be sympathetic and her inlaws are either unable or unwilling to acknowledge her loss.
OP, I am sorry for your loss. I think in the short term you need to actually focus on you and your grief and find ways to find support outside your husband or family.
Anonymous
09/09/2016 18:35
Subject: Re:DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"
Anonymous wrote:This is OP: with the exception of the 1 or 2 posters who I am chosing to ignore, the rest of you are making very valid points. I will do my best to see things from their perpective as well as my own. I am sure in time we will all heal. Thank you for allowing me a "safe place" to vent so that I don't say things out loud I know I would regret later.
OP! I have an elderly father who could go at any minute. I will be absolutely devastated when it happens. Your loss matters. I woukd try to spend less time with your ILs and more time with your friends and sisters, who knew your father and can be there for you. Grief counseling is a good thing to look into in addition, so you can have a sympathetic and professional person to listen and guide you.
Anonymous
09/08/2016 18:10
Subject: Re:DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"
Don't know where you live but Medicare guidelines stipulate that anyone with a recent loss can meet with a grief counselor at any hospice that is local to you (regardless of whether your Dad was under hospice care). You just need to call and make a self-referral. If you live in Montgomery County, Montgomery Hospice has exceptional grief counselors who could really help you navigate these understandable feelings. Grief can become very complicated when there are multiple losses in a short period of time. My condolences to you and your husband.
Anonymous
09/08/2016 18:09
Subject: Re:DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to go out on a limb here and perhaps others will shoot me down or show me why this isn't so.
From what you describe, this "grief contest" centered around the funeral and two things happened:
1. Your husband asked that the viewing take place in a different room from his mom's viewing.
2. Your FIL walked in supported by relatives and was crying and somewhat over the top.
OP, I'm not surprised by any of this and I don't see your level of anger as, well, appropriate. It wouldn't have surprised me if your husband asked to have the service at a completely different funeral home, and that wouldn't have been inappropriate in any way, in my opinion. Why would you not accommodate that? And more importantly, why do you see that as somehow attention-getting or manipulative on his part? Ditto his father's behavior. The entry into the funeral home was in reality the onset of a freshening of the experience of his wife's funeral. You seem to view this as him putting on a show, moreover, him putting on a show when it was your family's turn in the spotlight.
OP, funerals are not staged events with spotlight moments and attention due to the grieving family. They are raw emotional events. The fact that your father was extremely elderly and his death was not a surprise nor was it particularly hard for you makes you kind of immune to the flavor of grief your inlaws are experiencing and continue to experience. In fact, you sound a little jealous. And you sound a little mean.
You may, in fact, have to give more to your husband right now than you get from him in terms of your father's death. Because an empty well cannot provide water. That's what marriage is all about. Sometimes you have to keep going even when you feel like you didn't get quite what you were supposed to in terms of attention from your spouse. Next year, you will be the one to get more attention.
+1 to this. It is sad that your 90 year old father died. But that is not an unexpected thing at that age - how lucky he had such a long life. 70 (these days) - is a whole different ball game. Your husband and FIL feel like they were cheated out of a lot of good years - that you got to enjoy with your father.
Anonymous
09/08/2016 18:04
Subject: Re:DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"
This is OP: with the exception of the 1 or 2 posters who I am chosing to ignore, the rest of you are making very valid points. I will do my best to see things from their perpective as well as my own. I am sure in time we will all heal. Thank you for allowing me a "safe place" to vent so that I don't say things out loud I know I would regret later.
Anonymous
09/08/2016 17:54
Subject: Re:DH and I both lost parents recently - feeling like we are in a "grief contest"
I'm sorry for your loss OP. Death and grief are very trying on one's soul.
I know it must be terribly hard to deal with two passings so close to one another. From an outside perspective, it does not seem unreasonable at all to go through the little bit of trouble to make sure the viewing is in a different room. Being in the same room, looking at a casket in the same place as a recently (or even not too recently) lost loved one can really trigger much more emotional hurt. I would have automatically asked that it not be in the same room. I understand the other room was booked but it's really not that hard for the funeral home manager to try to make the switch given the circumstances.
As far as the FIL that broke down. I'm a private griever. I don't ever cry in front of anyone, but that is not necessarily a strength of mine, I consider it more of a weakness. Your FIL just lost his wife and mother of his children and going back to the place where he said his last goodbye a few months ago could certainly bring him down to his knees.
I'm not saying it was okay for him to break down like that at your father's funeral, but grief is grief. Instead of being upset that he was grieving his wife instead of your father, why not just understand that you both share that common feeling of loss and grieve together not worrying about whose grieving for who?
You are channeling your grief as anger and it won't help you or anyone close to you to continue.
I know it must be terribly hard to deal with two passings so close to one another. From an outside perspective, it does not seem unreasonable at all to go through the little bit of trouble to make sure the viewing is in a different room. Being in the same room, looking at a casket in the same place as a recently (or even not too recently) lost loved one can really trigger much more emotional hurt. I would have automatically asked that it not be in the same room. I understand the other room was booked but it's really not that hard for the funeral home manager to try to make the switch given the circumstances.
As far as the FIL that broke down. I'm a private griever. I don't ever cry in front of anyone, but that is not necessarily a strength of mine, I consider it more of a weakness. Your FIL just lost his wife and mother of his children and going back to the place where he said his last goodbye a few months ago could certainly bring him down to his knees.
I'm not saying it was okay for him to break down like that at your father's funeral, but grief is grief. Instead of being upset that he was grieving his wife instead of your father, why not just understand that you both share that common feeling of loss and grieve together not worrying about whose grieving for who?
You are channeling your grief as anger and it won't help you or anyone close to you to continue.