Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

It "drives me nuts" for 2 reasons, first because it is so vague, he basically implies I am not sexy enough, but he gives me no real clue as to what he would find sexy, (and I think I am doing the basics), it is demoralizing, it makes feel like an ugly, unattractive slob, and second because I find it unfair, desire is also something that you work on yourself, I put myself in the mood, I cultivate my sexual desire for him, I don't ask him to do anything other than being himself to find him sexy and be attracted to him. Do you realize what he implies? That me being myself is just not attractive enough .. After 10 years of marriage I understand that you need something more, but we have been together for 6 years and with 2 children honestly it is not like we are done exploring the first chapter of the Kama Sumatra, far from it..

OP again: and also deep down because I think him blaming it on me is a way to burry the problem. I think he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem. As others have said, it is not normal for a relatively young man to need so little sex. I don't think he is gay. I have a decent gaydar and I have really never gotten the tiniest flag. My bet is on a biological issue

Anonymous wrote:First rule of a good marriage - - go to bed together

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

It "drives me nuts" for 2 reasons, first because it is so vague, he basically implies I am not sexy enough, but he gives me no real clue as to what he would find sexy, (and I think I am doing the basics), it is demoralizing, it makes feel like an ugly, unattractive slob, and second because I find it unfair, desire is also something that you work on yourself, I put myself in the mood, I cultivate my sexual desire for him, I don't ask him to do anything other than being himself to find him sexy and be attracted to him. Do you realize what he implies? That me being myself is just not attractive enough .. After 10 years of marriage I understand that you need something more, but we have been together for 6 years and with 2 children honestly it is not like we are done exploring the first chapter of the Kama Sumatra, far from it..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

So you grope him 3 or 4 times to no avail, and he tells you he'd like more of an effort, but since it "drives you nuts," you give up, and wonder why he won't have sex with you?

Well.

Anonymous wrote:Your post seems very focused on yourself and what you look like. I understand you may have been trying to avoid the typical dcum responses of "you let yourself go which is why your husband doesn't want you."

However, you still come across as very focused on your looks and how your husband should want you. You don't say anything about wanting to please your husband or what he looks like.

This reminds me of my own spouse. He is very focused on himself, including when in bed. It's a turnoff. Even this morning his move to try and get me to have sex was to tell me he has a hard penis and look at it. Nothing about me.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, you both make good comments but that's not my situation. I never rejected him, not once.. Ok in the first 2 months after birth I probably didn't send any horny vibe but he didn't seem to mind at all. On the other hand.. He has rejected me, several times. Scenario :" we are in bed cuddling, my hand start slowly going down and he quickly grabs it and put it back up " . Now this hasn't happened 10 times, maybe 3 or 4, because I quickly got burnt, I am too sensitive and the rejection is too painful, it wrecks my confidence, so now I'd rather wait for him to be in the mood than try again in a clear manner.

Whenever I have tried to discuss the topic I got 2 type of answers : 1- first it was along the lines of you are not making enough efforts to arouse me (drives me nuts), 2- now it is more along the line of" I am sorry love, I find you beautiful, I am just exhausted, the kids are draining me, in a few months everything will be different/better"

Anonymous wrote:A young man cannot go a year without sex...he will literally explode.

He's sleeping with somebody else or something is seriously wrong with him.

While some women might legitimately be too tired for sex, that's never the case for men.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body

I find this incredibly insightful. Plainly-written and straight-forward. Men attempting to answer this question on this site either focus on the question of "are you hot?" and the female posters always seem to recommend outsourcing household chores. This PP identifies how the dynamic may have began and what allows it to endure. Thanks for posing, PP. I get it.

It may provide a better starting point for the inevitable, long-overdue conversation. Looking appealing and passively waiting for DH to initiate would look like a dangerous situation to a DH who regularly got turned down at the start of that year-long period. He may be expecting the rejection, shaming, or hostility that characterized life before she got her libido back. Whatever the case, "I look particularly pretty today, why doesn't DH know to start with the sex," isn't a good strategy, OP. Take it a step further and let him know what you want. If you'd said you then snuggled up to him and started playing with the hair on his legs and he STILL didn't make a move,...wow. You were sitting on the sofa next to him. That doesn't say "I want sex." It could simply be "well, the dishes are done." or "Hey, I know this movie."

Anonymous wrote:Here is my thought - but take this with a grain of salt since I am a high libido male in a sex starved marriage with a low libido wife:

Did you have a long dry spell when the kids were little, where he used to try and initiate and you rejected him? Because that happened for years in my marriage. Well past the age when the kids were babies. I kind of gave up on seeing my wife as a sexual person, even though she is beautiful. I take care of myself about a dozen times a week and have been doing so for the past 10 years since this all started when the first was born.

Fast forward, my wife seems to have regained a glimmer of her sexuality back. My sense is she would enjoy sex a couple times a month if the mood was right. So she might do what you did and be a bit flirty, but the problem is 1) I may have recently taken care of myself - how was I supposed to know this was my lucky day of the month. 2) I still harbor some resentment from years of sexual abandonment and 3) I can't get it out of my head that the only reason she wants sex is to placate me.

Yes, we should probably go to therapy. Right now, all I can focus on is the visual of you half naked with a sun kissed body