I'm so not impressed by your manner of dealing with this op and I'm fairly disgusted by the posters patting your duh on the head for being such a good widdle boy to hims mommy.

" I am not really taking away from my own family to help the ILs if that makes sense."

No,it doesn't make sense. It's absolute nonsense. Just because you think you make enough to help fund their ridiculous behavior, don't fool yourself that you aren't taking resources from your children. You are.

The fact that your ils expect this is disgusting.

You are putting these idiots ahead of your children.

If your duh became seriously ill, would they be able to help you? You know a serious illness for anyone in your nuclear family could bankrupt you? Your ils have made sure they are in no position to help anyone else.

Also go read about the crab pot mentality of lower income familes.

You need to remind your husband that you agreed to support them in terms of helping with life necessities, not frivolities - ironically ones that you do not enjoy yourselves! It's time he looks long and hard at the expenses you will have for your own children. I would insist that help comes only if you have taken care of your own retirement needs, education funds for your children, and emergency medical fund for yourselves, etc.

While I love his commitment to them, he is enabling and you will wind up losing. If he can't seem to understand that, I would insist on separate accounts so you can ensure management of funds to protect yourself.

Anonymous wrote:Here's what you all need to do.

DH and his siblings if they want to support the family need to
a) own whatever house they are living in. If your in laws want more support they will sell it to them for $1.
b) they pay health insurance, utilities, etc.
b) give them a fixed allowance for everything else each month in a check mailed to FIL.

This should keep his parents from starving and being out on the street. If MIL wants to overspend, she will quickly reach a limit. You might also threaten power of attorney if it gets worse and freeze her credit.

Sorry OP this is so complex. Hopefully DH and his siblings will set up something like this.

You cannot "threaten power of attorney", how does that work?

Here's what you all need to do.

DH and his siblings if they want to support the family need to
a) own whatever house they are living in. If your in laws want more support they will sell it to them for $1.
b) they pay health insurance, utilities, etc.
b) give them a fixed allowance for everything else each month in a check mailed to FIL.

This should keep his parents from starving and being out on the street. If MIL wants to overspend, she will quickly reach a limit. You might also threaten power of attorney if it gets worse and freeze her credit.

Sorry OP this is so complex. Hopefully DH and his siblings will set up something like this.

Your husband will pay it off and it will happen again. Sorry.

doodlebug wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom has a similar spending problem but my dad has financial resources. He is retired and pays all the household expenses, health care, etc. She has a part time job that pays he car payment and spending $. For years my dad has paid off her credit cards and finally realized that if she maxes them out, and her credit stinks, she can't get any more. and it's in her name, not his so he's not responsible for the debt.

I say all this to say, don't sweat it, encourage others to let her keep her secret cards and at some point she won't get anymore credit. Her problem, not yours.

I'm not sure that's true since they're married, is it? I thought assets and debts belonged to both marriage partners equally??

Not necessarily.
However, my fear would be that she would start opening credit cards and accounts in FIL's name. It would be easy to do so, I'm sure she has access to his SSN.
This lady is a spending addict. SHE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP AND TO BE CUT OFF FINANCIALLY.

Anonymous wrote:My mom has a similar spending problem but my dad has financial resources. He is retired and pays all the household expenses, health care, etc. She has a part time job that pays he car payment and spending $. For years my dad has paid off her credit cards and finally realized that if she maxes them out, and her credit stinks, she can't get any more. and it's in her name, not his so he's not responsible for the debt.

I say all this to say, don't sweat it, encourage others to let her keep her secret cards and at some point she won't get anymore credit. Her problem, not yours.

I'm not sure that's true since they're married, is it? I thought assets and debts belonged to both marriage partners equally??

My mom has a similar spending problem but my dad has financial resources. He is retired and pays all the household expenses, health care, etc. She has a part time job that pays he car payment and spending $. For years my dad has paid off her credit cards and finally realized that if she maxes them out, and her credit stinks, she can't get any more. and it's in her name, not his so he's not responsible for the debt.

I say all this to say, don't sweat it, encourage others to let her keep her secret cards and at some point she won't get anymore credit. Her problem, not yours.

Have your husband work with his mom to add a security freeze (Google "security freeze" for more details) on her credit file for all three CR agencies. Once a freeze is on her report she cannot get instant credit and would need to unfreeze her credit file by calling the CR agency and providing a security code that is issued by the CR agency upon processing her security freeze request. This should stop her compulsively opening cards. Additionally, if your husband/BIL keeps the security code away from her she cannot use her credit for any purpose period.

GL!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the posters that mentioned bipolar I'm curious why you ask? Is this a sign? What are some of the other symptoms? I doubt it, but who knows. She is generally batty but I doubt she deserves a mental illness pass. She has always been extremely selfish but I'm willing to keep an open mind.

Overspending like this can be a compulsion. Not a mental illness per se, but an addiction, just like gambling or drinking. Or it can be a coping mechanism. I agree with the posters that say she needs therapy. I also agree with the posters that say to just let it be. Don't pay this bill.

OP here. To the posters that mentioned bipolar I'm curious why you ask? Is this a sign? What are some of the other symptoms? I doubt it, but who knows. She is generally batty but I doubt she deserves a mental illness pass. She has always been extremely selfish but I'm willing to keep an open mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is the credit card debt your problem? You are giving her the money for the basics to survive (house, utilities, food). Any debt she incurs needs to be her problem.

Keep paying for her basics but not with any of this new debt.

General financial question - at her stage in life, what are the consequences for getting a bad credit score?

same as in any other way - limited ability to get good loan, auto insurance rates might be affected, certain employers are checking credit history (nobody will hire CFO or comptroller with bad one)

Eh - what would they need loans for? They have their house, car, and assuming they are retired or not working demanding jobs.

I think you need to have an intervention with the family and a therapist. You are a saint OP. Good luck.

Anyone looked into the possibility of bipolar illness?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have divorced his ass by now. That's your money too, OP. That's money that could go toward college for your kids, retirement, emergency savings, travel.

YOU, OP, are enabling him to enable her. Don't complain about this dynamic--you accept it, you are a party to it.

This. Stop complaining about a dynamic you choose to enable.

Your husband is a loyal son who is obviously dedicated to family.He should set limits and consult a lawyer and maybe a therapist regarding this, but you have a gem who has overcome much but not abandoned his roots. I know it must be difficult to put up with. I've drawn the line at loaning money to my husband's working class family, but only because their numbers are so vast that it would never end. We help out with gifts where we can.