Anonymous
08/21/2016 15:09
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hello from the future (I have teens).
OP, you are right. This is NOT COOL.
Yes, you should say something. No, it won't help your relationship with your MIL.
Kids need to know and learnt that they are in charge of their bodies, and they need models of healthy relationship behaviors. Emotional blackmail, at any age, isn't something that we should ever teach our kids is OK. If your MIL is crying about it, she has more issues than you can fix. Back your DS up. Stand up for him. And, when he's old enough, you may have to explain that just because someone loves you doesn't mean they are good for you. (My kid has, it now turns out, a mentally ill grandparent who, if unchecked, would have done a number on his head).
As another mom of teens I wohld have to disagree with you on a few points.
I suspect from her comments about her son being happy to give affection to "her" parents that OP has very consciously or unconscious created this issue by purposefully or without realizing it creating a power struggle between whether her mom or MIL is the favored grandparent.
Kids aren't stupid and they can easily pick up on who mom wants them to be affectionate towards and who mom wants to keep at arms length
If MIL is crying about this it is probably because she believes on some level that OP is working to drive a wedge between her and her grandkids and she is hurt and disappointed thay OP has tried to create a distant relationship between her and the grandkid she loves.
Be honest ladies. Look objectively at you and your friends relationships with their husband's moms.
This behavior and power struggle happens all the time, and very few DILs are innocent parties.
Don't do this OP. Worl just as hard to create a close and loving relationship between your son and your husband's mom as you would want for you and your son's future children.
Some day you will have a DIL and grandchildren of your own...
No. There is no grey area in what OP described. MIL blackmails child for physical affection with toys at EVERY visit. MIL points, manipulates, even cries in front of child. This is not about a DIL setting up an unequal dynamic. This is about a troubled, needy, emotionally manipulative adult who has no idea how sick she is being or doesn't care.
My own mother was like this in smaller doses...not with the bribery attempts but with pointing and whining and play-crying if she didn't get sufficient physical affection. I had to be very blunt in telling her that her behavior was not okay and that she would either act differently or get much less time with us.
There are HUGE red flags in OP's post. Her child has great instincts and she is right to honor them and protect him. She should absolutely tell MIL to stop this behavior.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 15:03
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Tell your mother in law to stop. Now. Stand up for your child. Also, get your partner to tell his / her mother to STOP. You can be rude or you can educate on why what she's doing is so wrong and outdated.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 15:02
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Ok... to the people who are saying this is about consent and bodily autonomy, yes, that is EXTREMELY important, but we have to recognize that OP's MIL is not some acquaintance or stranger, she's grandma. I think a lot of people on this board are willing to sacrifice relationships with their MILs for the sake of principles like these, and yes, it is very important to stick with your principles in parenting, but it is also very important to care about relationships and other people's feelings.
OP can very gently suggest to MIL, "Larla, you don't have to worry, give it a few minutes and little Larlo will come to you," and out of sight of MIL she can tell Larlo "You don't have to ever hug someone if you don't want to, but Grandma loves you very much, and that is why she wants hugs and kisses." That's it, that's all I would do, and I would otherwise stay out of it. I cannot see OP handling this in any other way that would not hurt MIL's feelings or blow up in OP's face.
I personally never make my kids hug anyone, if someone wants their affection I tell them "give them a few minutes and they'll warm up to you." When someone gives my child a hug or kiss they don't want they both scream bloody murder, and no toy on this planet will make them hug someone they don't want to hug, but they're both wired that way.
You totally don't get it, PP. The mom should NOT be teaching the kid that the proper thing to do is to give in to emotional blackmail. The kid has good instincts. The grandma is being an emotionally needy, manipulative creep.
You don't just have to teach kids to protect themselves from child molesters. It is also healthy to honor their instincts to not give in to emotionally manipulative, fucked up people. I would straight up tell MIL, "It is not ok that you keep bribing Sam with gifts in order to get affection from him. If you wish to give him a present, that is your choice. But he is not required to give you physical affection in return. Please stop pressuring him. We are reaching Sam that he doesn't have to touch an adult just because they offer a toy or say they feel hurt. He is not being rude. You are."
I can't believe how many of you are posting and not realizing how fucked up this situation is.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:46
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...
And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.
You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.
Educate yourself.
Learn to calm your little self down.
Wow. Sexual abuse and dominance didn't happen to you, so it didn't happen to everyone? OK. Wow. I feel sorry for your children.
"I feel sorry for your children." !!! Wasn't that just cited as one of the classic DCUM eye-rollers spouted by posters toodim to think of anything fresh? Haha!
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:42
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...
And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.
+ 1. Seriously. Do not coerce someone to get access to their body. All the people who think this is normal - wow.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:37
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...
And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.
You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.
Educate yourself.
Yes. Grandmas who want to hug and cuddle their infant through preschool grandchildren are child molesters and the epitome of all things evil, ESPECIALLY if the one giving affdction to the child happens to be your mother in law.
And we wonder why society is so broken. The women of dcum cannot even manage the most normal and innocent of family structures.
You are such a dumbass. The point is that children need to learn that their body belongs to them, and they don't HAVE to give affection to anyone. It's NICE if they WANT to give grandma a hug, but they don't HAVE to! The point is that they learn to trust their own instincts. Maybe they don't want to hug their uncle for a reason. Do you get it? Maybe they pick up on things that adults may not notice. Yes, of course the majority of grandparents are fine to hug. But the point is that you teach them that they don't owe affection to ANYONE, and that they ALWAYS get to make choices for THEIR BODY.
+1
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:35
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Hello from the future (I have teens).
OP, you are right. This is NOT COOL.
Yes, you should say something. No, it won't help your relationship with your MIL.
Kids need to know and learnt that they are in charge of their bodies, and they need models of healthy relationship behaviors. Emotional blackmail, at any age, isn't something that we should ever teach our kids is OK. If your MIL is crying about it, she has more issues than you can fix. Back your DS up. Stand up for him. And, when he's old enough, you may have to explain that just because someone loves you doesn't mean they are good for you. (My kid has, it now turns out, a mentally ill grandparent who, if unchecked, would have done a number on his head).
As another mom of teens I wohld have to disagree with you on a few points.
I suspect from her comments about her son being happy to give affection to "her" parents that OP has very consciously or unconscious created this issue by purposefully or without realizing it creating a power struggle between whether her mom or MIL is the favored grandparent.
Kids aren't stupid and they can easily pick up on who mom wants them to be affectionate towards and who mom wants to keep at arms length
If MIL is crying about this it is probably because she believes on some level that OP is working to drive a wedge between her and her grandkids and she is hurt and disappointed thay OP has tried to create a distant relationship between her and the grandkid she loves.
Be honest ladies. Look objectively at you and your friends relationships with their husband's moms.
This behavior and power struggle happens all the time, and very few DILs are innocent parties.
Don't do this OP. Worl just as hard to create a close and loving relationship between your son and your husband's mom as you would want for you and your son's future children.
Some day you will have a DIL and grandchildren of your own...
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:33
Subject: Re:Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Big deal.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:27
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Hello from the future (I have teens).
OP, you are right. This is NOT COOL.
Yes, you should say something. No, it won't help your relationship with your MIL.
Kids need to know and learnt that they are in charge of their bodies, and they need models of healthy relationship behaviors. Emotional blackmail, at any age, isn't something that we should ever teach our kids is OK. If your MIL is crying about it, she has more issues than you can fix. Back your DS up. Stand up for him. And, when he's old enough, you may have to explain that just because someone loves you doesn't mean they are good for you. (My kid has, it now turns out, a mentally ill grandparent who, if unchecked, would have done a number on his head).
OP, you are right. This is NOT COOL.
Yes, you should say something. No, it won't help your relationship with your MIL.
Kids need to know and learnt that they are in charge of their bodies, and they need models of healthy relationship behaviors. Emotional blackmail, at any age, isn't something that we should ever teach our kids is OK. If your MIL is crying about it, she has more issues than you can fix. Back your DS up. Stand up for him. And, when he's old enough, you may have to explain that just because someone loves you doesn't mean they are good for you. (My kid has, it now turns out, a mentally ill grandparent who, if unchecked, would have done a number on his head).
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:26
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Ok... to the people who are saying this is about consent and bodily autonomy, yes, that is EXTREMELY important, but we have to recognize that OP's MIL is not some acquaintance or stranger, she's grandma. I think a lot of people on this board are willing to sacrifice relationships with their MILs for the sake of principles like these, and yes, it is very important to stick with your principles in parenting, but it is also very important to care about relationships and other people's feelings.
OP can very gently suggest to MIL, "Larla, you don't have to worry, give it a few minutes and little Larlo will come to you," and out of sight of MIL she can tell Larlo "You don't have to ever hug someone if you don't want to, but Grandma loves you very much, and that is why she wants hugs and kisses." That's it, that's all I would do, and I would otherwise stay out of it. I cannot see OP handling this in any other way that would not hurt MIL's feelings or blow up in OP's face.
I personally never make my kids hug anyone, if someone wants their affection I tell them "give them a few minutes and they'll warm up to you." When someone gives my child a hug or kiss they don't want they both scream bloody murder, and no toy on this planet will make them hug someone they don't want to hug, but they're both wired that way.
OP can very gently suggest to MIL, "Larla, you don't have to worry, give it a few minutes and little Larlo will come to you," and out of sight of MIL she can tell Larlo "You don't have to ever hug someone if you don't want to, but Grandma loves you very much, and that is why she wants hugs and kisses." That's it, that's all I would do, and I would otherwise stay out of it. I cannot see OP handling this in any other way that would not hurt MIL's feelings or blow up in OP's face.
I personally never make my kids hug anyone, if someone wants their affection I tell them "give them a few minutes and they'll warm up to you." When someone gives my child a hug or kiss they don't want they both scream bloody murder, and no toy on this planet will make them hug someone they don't want to hug, but they're both wired that way.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:22
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...
And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.
You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.
Educate yourself.
Yes. Grandmas who want to hug and cuddle their infant through preschool grandchildren are child molesters and the epitome of all things evil, ESPECIALLY if the one giving affdction to the child happens to be your mother in law.
And we wonder why society is so broken. The women of dcum cannot even manage the most normal and innocent of family structures.
You are such a dumbass. The point is that children need to learn that their body belongs to them, and they don't HAVE to give affection to anyone. It's NICE if they WANT to give grandma a hug, but they don't HAVE to! The point is that they learn to trust their own instincts. Maybe they don't want to hug their uncle for a reason. Do you get it? Maybe they pick up on things that adults may not notice. Yes, of course the majority of grandparents are fine to hug. But the point is that you teach them that they don't owe affection to ANYONE, and that they ALWAYS get to make choices for THEIR BODY.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:20
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...
And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.
You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.
Educate yourself.
Learn to calm your little self down.
Wow. Sexual abuse and dominance didn't happen to you, so it didn't happen to everyone? OK. Wow. I feel sorry for your children.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:12
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...
And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.
You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.
Educate yourself.
Learn to calm your little self down.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:08
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...
And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.
You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.
Educate yourself.
Yes. Grandmas who want to hug and cuddle their infant through preschool grandchildren are child molesters and the epitome of all things evil, ESPECIALLY if the one giving affdction to the child happens to be your mother in law.
And we wonder why society is so broken. The women of dcum cannot even manage the most normal and innocent of family structures.
Anonymous
08/21/2016 14:04
Subject: Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...
And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.
You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.
Educate yourself.