Anonymous wrote:IMO, nobody beaks up their marriage solely because of weight gain. It's not like people just up and file for divorce and list the reason as "gained 50 lbs." But letting yourself gain a massive amount of weight like that is symptomatic of other ways the spouse has probably let things go- there's likely little/no sex, no connection, etc. It's an outward symptom of someone who likely does not focus on the health of their marriage in many different ways. How many guys who gained 100 lbs during marriage are active, involved fathers, equally contributing partners, motivated and successful employees, etc? Probably not many.

Anonymous wrote:Diet contributes way more to a person's weight than exercise, so the time excuse never quite resonates.

Anonymous wrote:

Put more simply, people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care. They don't care about a lot of stuff and it would be hard to be a person who cares married to one who doesn't.

Maybe they care more about their mental/emotional health and spend their free time at the therapist and not the gym.

Maybe they care more about an elderly parent and are too exhausted to work out.

Maybe they care more about their job that requires a heavy amount of travel, and the meals out and irregular sleep are catching up to them.

Maybe they care more about making things comfortable and secure for the people they love, and don't invest time in themselves.

I get that being thin is important to you. Good for you, and no one is begrudging that time and energy that you spend solely on yourself. But others have different priorities. Their priorities aren't wrong, just like yours aren't wrong. They are just different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an overweight mom because I prioritized everything and everyone else above me. I worked my ass off at an executive position, I was involved in my two kids lives being room mom, team mom, scout mom, et al. I handled everything with the house. My husband did the lawn and fixed things plus he cooked and grocery shopped. We had an awesome sex life. As the kids got older I squeezed in more me time, lost weight and got fit. I would still like to lose more but I'm in a good place and feel sexy.

I believed I was selfless in my choices before but realize now that I needed to be a bit more selfish to do what's right for me and set a good example for my kids. Maybe your wives are the same.

You were overweight because you ate poorly and didn't work out. When you changed that you lost weight. I know lots of busy moms who do it all. It doesn't correlate to fatness. If anything, the opposite.

No shit. Sometimes I'm too busy to eat. I look up at its 2pm and haven't had lunch. When I'm super busy I sometimes put my pants on and they fall down. I then have to make an effort to remember to eat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an overweight mom because I prioritized everything and everyone else above me. I worked my ass off at an executive position, I was involved in my two kids lives being room mom, team mom, scout mom, et al. I handled everything with the house. My husband did the lawn and fixed things plus he cooked and grocery shopped. We had an awesome sex life. As the kids got older I squeezed in more me time, lost weight and got fit. I would still like to lose more but I'm in a good place and feel sexy.

I believed I was selfless in my choices before but realize now that I needed to be a bit more selfish to do what's right for me and set a good example for my kids. Maybe your wives are the same.

You were overweight because you ate poorly and didn't work out. When you changed that you lost weight. I know lots of busy moms who do it all. It doesn't correlate to fatness. If anything, the opposite.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Put more simply, people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care. They don't care about a lot of stuff and it would be hard to be a person who cares married to one who doesn't.

Maybe they care more about their mental/emotional health and spend their free time at the therapist and not the gym.

Maybe they care more about an elderly parent and are too exhausted to work out.

Maybe they care more about their job that requires a heavy amount of travel, and the meals out and irregular sleep are catching up to them.

Maybe they care more about making things comfortable and secure for the people they love, and don't invest time in themselves.

I get that being thin is important to you. Good for you, and no one is begrudging that time and energy that you spend solely on yourself. But others have different priorities. Their priorities aren't wrong, just like yours aren't wrong. They are just different.

This has nothing to do with me. You have no idea what I weigh or how often I work out. I was simply responding to OP's question which was why spouses don't like when another gains a lot of weight. That is why. I do not care why people are fat. It's not my problem, I'm not concerned with it. OP wants to know why SPOUSES care when SPOUSES get fat.

No, what you said was "people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care...about a lot of things." Some examples you gave of the things people who gain weight supposedly don't care about are being an involved parent, a contributing partner, and a successful employee. Those are some pretty insidious stereotypes about overweight people you're spouting there. Many of us care deeply about our children, our partners, and our careers and have very fulfilling lives despite perhaps caring less than you about being physically attractive. If what you meant to say was that people who gain a lot of weight don't care about staying attractive to their spouses, not that they don't care about anything in life, then you expressed yourself poorly. And if, as you say, you don't care why people are fat, I wonder why you bother posting with ignorant speculation on the subject.

No, they were "insidious stereotypes" about the kind of person who uses marriage as an excuse to let themselves go. Do I think a man who gets married weighing a trim 170 and 10 years later is 275 is the same thing as a person who just is fat? No. It's indicative of the kind of person who doesn't give a shit about being healthy and around for their spouse or their kids, or being able to be active for their kids, or is particularly interested in whether their spouse finds them attractive, or is ambitious or does much in general other than go to work for 8 hours and then lies around playing video games and watching tv all weekend while his wife busts her ass with the kids.

What you and several other commenters have suggested is that if you are fat or gain a bunch of weight, it's because gee golly you just love your family SO MUCH you do everything for them and all that effort and love expended on other people somehow made you fat. Your career and your kids' activities made you fat somehow. So the implication is that people who don't get fat... don't devote as much of themselves to their families as people who do?

As to your final point, I don't care why people are fat. It has nothing to do with me. I was telling Op why it becomes a problem in marriage when one spouse DOES become fat. Because it correlates to many other areas in which the person has "let go" and that can be very problematic for a spouse who didn't sign up for that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Physical attraction is a huge component of a relationship/marriage. Otherwise, you'd be "just friends." So, to me it is. I'm a woman. Sorry, a huge gut and three chins doesn't do it for me and I don't want to be married to someone who I see as just a friend. Of course I want them to be my best friend but also have an incredible attraction. Before the disgruntled women flame me, yes, I take good care of myself. 36, 5'5, 125 pounds, work out 5 days a week for the past two decades.

Honey, you don't have a clue. Anyone can look good at 36. See us when you are 46.

,

So true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Physical attraction is a huge component of a relationship/marriage. Otherwise, you'd be "just friends." So, to me it is. I'm a woman. Sorry, a huge gut and three chins doesn't do it for me and I don't want to be married to someone who I see as just a friend. Of course I want them to be my best friend but also have an incredible attraction. Before the disgruntled women flame me, yes, I take good care of myself. 36, 5'5, 125 pounds, work out 5 days a week for the past two decades.

Honey, you don't have a clue. Anyone can look good at 36. See us when you are 46.

Anonymous wrote:^^^

You're an ass!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Put more simply, people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care. They don't care about a lot of stuff and it would be hard to be a person who cares married to one who doesn't.

Maybe they care more about their mental/emotional health and spend their free time at the therapist and not the gym.

Maybe they care more about an elderly parent and are too exhausted to work out.

Maybe they care more about their job that requires a heavy amount of travel, and the meals out and irregular sleep are catching up to them.

Maybe they care more about making things comfortable and secure for the people they love, and don't invest time in themselves.

I get that being thin is important to you. Good for you, and no one is begrudging that time and energy that you spend solely on yourself. But others have different priorities. Their priorities aren't wrong, just like yours aren't wrong. They are just different.

This has nothing to do with me. You have no idea what I weigh or how often I work out. I was simply responding to OP's question which was why spouses don't like when another gains a lot of weight. That is why. I do not care why people are fat. It's not my problem, I'm not concerned with it. OP wants to know why SPOUSES care when SPOUSES get fat.

No, what you said was "people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care...about a lot of things." Some examples you gave of the things people who gain weight supposedly don't care about are being an involved parent, a contributing partner, and a successful employee. Those are some pretty insidious stereotypes about overweight people you're spouting there. Many of us care deeply about our children, our partners, and our careers and have very fulfilling lives despite perhaps caring less than you about being physically attractive. If what you meant to say was that people who gain a lot of weight don't care about staying attractive to their spouses, not that they don't care about anything in life, then you expressed yourself poorly. And if, as you say, you don't care why people are fat, I wonder why you bother posting with ignorant speculation on the subject.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Put more simply, people who gain a bunch of weight just don't care. They don't care about a lot of stuff and it would be hard to be a person who cares married to one who doesn't.

Maybe they care more about their mental/emotional health and spend their free time at the therapist and not the gym.

Maybe they care more about an elderly parent and are too exhausted to work out.

Maybe they care more about their job that requires a heavy amount of travel, and the meals out and irregular sleep are catching up to them.

Maybe they care more about making things comfortable and secure for the people they love, and don't invest time in themselves.

I get that being thin is important to you. Good for you, and no one is begrudging that time and energy that you spend solely on yourself. But others have different priorities. Their priorities aren't wrong, just like yours aren't wrong. They are just different.

This has nothing to do with me. You have no idea what I weigh or how often I work out. I was simply responding to OP's question which was why spouses don't like when another gains a lot of weight. That is why. I do not care why people are fat. It's not my problem, I'm not concerned with it. OP wants to know why SPOUSES care when SPOUSES get fat.

Anonymous wrote:I was an overweight mom because I prioritized everything and everyone else above me. I worked my ass off at an executive position, I was involved in my two kids lives being room mom, team mom, scout mom, et al. I handled everything with the house. My husband did the lawn and fixed things plus he cooked and grocery shopped. We had an awesome sex life. As the kids got older I squeezed in more me time, lost weight and got fit. I would still like to lose more but I'm in a good place and feel sexy.

I believed I was selfless in my choices before but realize now that I needed to be a bit more selfish to do what's right for me and set a good example for my kids. Maybe your wives are the same.

Anonymous wrote:I was an overweight mom because I prioritized everything and everyone else above me. I worked my ass off at an executive position, I was involved in my two kids lives being room mom, team mom, scout mom, et al. I handled everything with the house. My husband did the lawn and fixed things plus he cooked and grocery shopped. We had an awesome sex life. As the kids got older I squeezed in more me time, lost weight and got fit. I would still like to lose more but I'm in a good place and feel sexy.

I believed I was selfless in my choices before but realize now that I needed to be a bit more selfish to do what's right for me and set a good example for my kids. Maybe your wives are the same.