Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, wondering how you and your DD are doing. My 4 yr old brought a friend home to play from her private school and friend commented on our space (2 bedroom condo), saying "this isn't very big". I'm a single parent but do fine as a physician; this area can drive you nuts with its skewed view of what doing well means. Anyway I thought of your story and wanted to check in. Did DD move in with her dad?

OP here, not much has changed. She didn't move in with her, but she still doesn't want her friends to see where she really lives. I've given up on making this an issue. I'm hoping as DD gets older she'll appreciate everything I have done for her.

I grew up poor enough for the kids in my school to make an issue out of it and did not have friends over
But I was aware that there were many a lot worse off than me

I would say sympathize with her. There is a lot of social pressure on children of divorce to pretend that everything is fine, everyone's so happy, everyone's so resilient! But really, this isn't the living situation that any of you had hoped for, and it should be ok for her to say that.

The loss of a comfortable home near her friends and school is a significant loss for her (in addition to and distinct from the loss of time with her father and of her intact family), and it will not help matters to deny it. Own your choices and acknowledge it to her, and she may feel better for being truly heard. Divorce is hard for everyone, and you can't always predict how the dominoes will fall.

Why exactly is she unhappy with her living arrangement? Is it really because of the condo, or is it something else? Or is she just unhappy that she doesn't get to live with both her parents at the same time?

If she goes to school in her dad's neighborhood, it's probably much easier to get friends to come over to that location. It's farther for them to go to your place, right? She probably just doesn't want to miss out socially.

Also, kids that age can feel a lot of pressure to maintain a room that is cool enough to impress their friends. It may be too much time and effort and confidence for her to maintain two company-worthy rooms.

Kids that age will fixate on any random thing and be embarrassed about it, because they are super self-conscious and that's (sadly) normal. I think you also need to have some real talk with her about what is poor, and how different people make different choices with their money. Explain that you have chosen the condo so that there will be money left over for other things that she likes to do, and so that you can do those things rather than maintaining a SFH.

Hi OP, wondering how you and your DD are doing. My 4 yr old brought a friend home to play from her private school and friend commented on our space (2 bedroom condo), saying "this isn't very big". I'm a single parent but do fine as a physician; this area can drive you nuts with its skewed view of what doing well means. Anyway I thought of your story and wanted to check in. Did DD move in with her dad?

Ugh. The going to school in her dads neighborhood is a tough one because she's spending so much time there.

I wouldn't allow her to move, and would instead focus on what you DO have in your home. And maybe get her involved in something in your neighborhood - sports, volunteering together, anything. Force it at first if necessary, but make it something fun that's not focused on money.

Then high school in your neighborhood. Especially since you're probably cheating residency requirements by sending her to school using an address she doesn't live at full time (or even half).

I'm so sorry OP. Seems so unfair.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. That's hard to hear.

What is the current custody/support arrangement? I would want to make sure that he's not encouraging embarrassment so that she will want to move.

Also, it's time to talk to your child about the situation. You have 2 bedrooms, so she has some space of her own (I'm assuming there are only 2 of you). I would also seek out some people who are in a situation similar to yours so that she can see she's not the only one.

The original agreement and current legal one is she lives with me full time and spends every other weekend with him. However, we agreed that she would go to middle school in his neighborhood so I drop her off at his house in the morning before I go to work and pick her up when I get off and lately she's been going to his house every weekend. I guess I'm partly to blame for this since I allowed her to go middle school in her dad's neighborhood.

I've explained it to her before, but she doesn't get it. She compares me to her dad and stepmom and I've explained that they have more because it's two working adults and it's only me so I can't afford everything they do. She then compared me to her friend's married parents. I can't win with this girl!

I'm sorry OP. That's hard to hear.

What is the current custody/support arrangement? I would want to make sure that he's not encouraging embarrassment so that she will want to move.

Also, it's time to talk to your child about the situation. You have 2 bedrooms, so she has some space of her own (I'm assuming there are only 2 of you). I would also seek out some people who are in a situation similar to yours so that she can see she's not the only one.

OP here with an update. I had a conversation with my ex last and DD told him she wants to live with him full time and said she's unhappy with her current living arrangement. She didn't want to tell me this because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but it's too late for that...

Anonymous wrote:It may not be that it is an apartment but there is more space to be away from adults.

When I was growing up, this would have been my reason. Even though I was always a good kid I hated the thought of my parents being able to hear my friends and I talking. So I rarely ever invited people over. I always went to the house of one of my girlfriends who had a third floor bedroom in the finished attic. We felt secluded there and since her parents usually were in the first floor living room, like they couldn't eavesdrop.

OP,

we live in a two bedroom condo with two kids. We are not poor, middle class. We have a large house, custom build in another area where they were born and grew up. The house is paid off and eventually we would like to return there. We are here temporary (4-5 years) and I was not feeling comfortable to take a large mortgage just to make my kids happy. We bought a condo in a great school area and near the metro, so it will be a good investment when we moved out. My older one understands it and have no problem inviting kids into our condo (even for sleepovers). My younger sometimes tells us that we are poor, and feels comfortable to invite only two-three very close friends, and also does sleepovers. Sometimes it will take time to explain to her why are we leaving like this and why do we like it this way. Just keep talking to her to make sure she understands the reality of living in this area and dont' just buid a made up world in her head.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I have a one-bedroom. DD's mom also has a one-bedroom. She is so happy my place is clean and neat that she loves having friends over here (her mom is a hoarder and a smoker).

Where does your DD sleep if both parents have one bedroom homes?

She has the bedroom at her mom's house. At mine she gets the couch but to date very rarely sleeps over. I'm trying to make things more kid-friendly for her but it's slow-going.

. Just a thought- you take the couch so she can have a bedroom. She'll see the sacrifice you are making and will feel secure in her own room

Thanks for the idea but it's not going to happen. She sleeps over maybe once a year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I have a one-bedroom. DD's mom also has a one-bedroom. She is so happy my place is clean and neat that she loves having friends over here (her mom is a hoarder and a smoker).

Where does your DD sleep if both parents have one bedroom homes?

She has the bedroom at her mom's house. At mine she gets the couch but to date very rarely sleeps over. I'm trying to make things more kid-friendly for her but it's slow-going.

. Just a thought- you take the couch so she can have a bedroom. She'll see the sacrifice you are making and will feel secure in her own room

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. I have a one-bedroom. DD's mom also has a one-bedroom. She is so happy my place is clean and neat that she loves having friends over here (her mom is a hoarder and a smoker).

Where does your DD sleep if both parents have one bedroom homes?

She has the bedroom at her mom's house. At mine she gets the couch but to date very rarely sleeps over. I'm trying to make things more kid-friendly for her but it's slow-going.