As a woman, I find it depressing that when men answer a question honestly here, we immediately mock and criticize them for not giving the answer we want to hear (ie, that they are not turned off by overweight or aging). I don't think it makes a man a terrible person if he isn't as attracted to older, overweight woman, though I DO think the way he chooses to handle changes in his marriage says a lot about his character.

I strongly believe that a person cannot choose the things she/he find attractive or off-putting. The guy who lost desire for his wife after seeing her give birth was being honest. I have to say, there are probably reasons why, for most of history, men were not permitted to watch births.

Nope. My wife has gained and lost and gained again. Honestly, the sex is better when she is a bit curvier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Did you stop having sex witb DW because she became overweight/old"

I can't actually stop having sex, because I am a normal man with a normal sex drive for whom "sexless" is not a viable option.

And I am not the least bit turned off by a woman's natural aging process: my attraction is strongest to sexy women my age.

BUT.... there is no bloody excuse for her significant weight gain. TOTAL BONER KILLER!
If I had any other morally legit options for sex, it would not be with my overweight wife.

Yes, you are obviously a paragon of morality.

Do you honestly believe your wife would want to have sex with you if she knew how you felt about her? If you're going to be a dick, just own it and get yourself something on the side.

What is immoral about being unattracted to somebody who has gained a lot of unattractive weight?
That's not an issue of morality, just pure biology, and common sense.

You really think I should tell her?
Or you are just angry over the fact that lots of people (like me) feel strongly that fat is unattractive?

I understand it's not really a great situation for either of you, is it? You find her unattractive, a "boner killer," as you say, and yet you continue to use her body anyway, making the best of it, trying to do the more moral thing. You're right, it's more moral than cheating on her. It's also more committed and deep than dumping her because her appearance changed. Is it moral to use her "ugly" body and think of it with derision? That's where it gets tricky, but then life's not black and white.

And on her side, maybe she is naive enough to hope you're still attracted to her since you do have sex, yet there are probably enough little giveaways in your behavior that make her sense you find her unattractive. Women are often okay with their partner not being physically attractive. Most of us are just wired differently from men. The main ladyboner killer for us is feeling our partner doesn't find us attractive. We can be fully aware, objectively, that we're no beauties, but we just need our partner to be attracted to us on some level, for whatever crazy, random reason. Maybe, to save things with your wife, you need to focus on the things about her that attract you. As I said, it's tricky for both sides.

I struggle because lately I've lost all desire to be with my husband. I don't care what he looks like (and he's not good looking at all), but I get that my weight matters to him in how attractive I am. At it turns out, it matters far more than he had let on. He's acted accepting, all these years, as I've always struggled with health issues that affect my weight. Yet at some point it became clear that he wasn't being honest. He started quietly pursuing thin women on the side. He was having sex with me, but I felt used, like there was this detachment, and he wouldn't touch me anywhere except where he could feel my bones.

When things came to light, we did a lot of talking, and I told him I only want to be with a man who takes me as I am. I told him to figure out if you can live with me as I am, but if you're not into me, no hard feelings and you're free to go. Just don't fake it with me and make me feel degraded and despised on some level all the time. I get that you're starving for the filet mignon you chase, but I don't need to be anyone's dog food.

Since then, he says he realizes he loves me and wants to be with me, as I am. I try to be mature about this, because I know it takes maturity and compromise on both sides, but deep down I just don't want him anymore. I see both sides, and I try to see the big picture, but I have no trust and find the whole thing distasteful. We're trying to push through it because neither of us are okay with an open relationship. We love each other. We're human. Being human is so messy. Aging is no fun, either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. My 5'9" wife has gone from 140 to 170 in 20 years. I still wanted to have sex with her when she tipped the scales at 200 and pregnant. I get a bone when she brushes up against me. I know it actually annoys her that I'm so easily turned on by her. I think about sex all the time.

WOW. at that height and weight, you're being pretty judgmental. I bet she looks better at 170.

I'm 5'9" and my normal weight is 140-145. I'm in the process of losing weight from my pregnancy (got to 200 like pp's wife) and was 170 just 2 weeks ago and I definitely looked better at 140. How do you figure 170 is going to look better??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. My 5'9" wife has gone from 140 to 170 in 20 years. I still wanted to have sex with her when she tipped the scales at 200 and pregnant. I get a bone when she brushes up against me. I know it actually annoys her that I'm so easily turned on by her. I think about sex all the time.

WOW. at that height and weight, you're being pretty judgmental. I bet she looks better at 170.

... How is he being judgemental? He said he did NOT stop wanting sex, and that even when she was heavier he was still attracted to her.

+1. This guy deserves props.

I think it is the "still" bit that I dislike in his description, but probably adding tone where there wasn't any.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. My 5'9" wife has gone from 140 to 170 in 20 years. I still wanted to have sex with her when she tipped the scales at 200 and pregnant. I get a bone when she brushes up against me. I know it actually annoys her that I'm so easily turned on by her. I think about sex all the time.

WOW. at that height and weight, you're being pretty judgmental. I bet she looks better at 170.

... How is he being judgemental? He said he did NOT stop wanting sex, and that even when she was heavier he was still attracted to her.

+1. This guy deserves props.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped because I saw her vagina during childbirth and the faces she was making. I still shiver when I think about it

Really, that keeps you from having sex?

Yes. Disgusting

Wow. You are a piece of work. I can hardly believe it. News flash. Yes, a vagina expands when a mother is pushing a newborn baby into the world. It's a beautiful thing that you were able to be born and your child was able to be born. And you'd better believe you'd make a face or two or 100 as you were pushing a child into the world, if you had such a capability.

Maybe we should go back to the days when fathers were not present during delivery, if this is the outcome? I certainly hope you are a rarity in your tiny-minded revulsion.

You should tell your wife exactly why you stopped having sex with her so she can divorce your sorry ass.

I started avoiding my wife when she started lecturing everyone -- me, the kids, everyone. "Let me explain something to you," is my cue to tune out.

Can't imagine why she thought you were too stupid to figure things out on your own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped because I saw her vagina during childbirth and the faces she was making. I still shiver when I think about it

Really, that keeps you from having sex?

Yes. Disgusting

Wow. You are a piece of work. I can hardly believe it. News flash. Yes, a vagina expands when a mother is pushing a newborn baby into the world. It's a beautiful thing that you were able to be born and your child was able to be born. And you'd better believe you'd make a face or two or 100 as you were pushing a child into the world, if you had such a capability.

Maybe we should go back to the days when fathers were not present during delivery, if this is the outcome? I certainly hope you are a rarity in your tiny-minded revulsion.

You should tell your wife exactly why you stopped having sex with her so she can divorce your sorry ass.

I started avoiding my wife when she started lecturing everyone -- me, the kids, everyone. "Let me explain something to you," is my cue to tune out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. My 5'9" wife has gone from 140 to 170 in 20 years. I still wanted to have sex with her when she tipped the scales at 200 and pregnant. I get a bone when she brushes up against me. I know it actually annoys her that I'm so easily turned on by her. I think about sex all the time.

WOW. at that height and weight, you're being pretty judgmental. I bet she looks better at 170.

... How is he being judgemental? He said he did NOT stop wanting sex, and that even when she was heavier he was still attracted to her.

Anonymous wrote:A poll for the husbands out tbere. Did you lose the desire to have sex with DW because she became overweight (not obese, but definitely chubby) or because she did not age well? Not because she was a slob, lazy or nag but just objectively due to change in looks?

No. It was more her generally sour demeanor that turned me off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Did you stop having sex witb DW because she became overweight/old"

I can't actually stop having sex, because I am a normal man with a normal sex drive for whom "sexless" is not a viable option.

And I am not the least bit turned off by a woman's natural aging process: my attraction is strongest to sexy women my age.

BUT.... there is no bloody excuse for her significant weight gain. TOTAL BONER KILLER!
If I had any other morally legit options for sex, it would not be with my overweight wife.

Yes, you are obviously a paragon of morality.

Do you honestly believe your wife would want to have sex with you if she knew how you felt about her? If you're going to be a dick, just own it and get yourself something on the side.

What is immoral about being unattracted to somebody who has gained a lot of unattractive weight?
That's not an issue of morality, just pure biology, and common sense.

You really think I should tell her?
Or you are just angry over the fact that lots of people (like me) feel strongly that fat is unattractive?

PP, is the issue that she is fat or that she doesn't take care of herself? Being fat in and of itself isn't unattractive, but not taking care of yourself sure is.

Anonymous wrote:No. My 5'9" wife has gone from 140 to 170 in 20 years. I still wanted to have sex with her when she tipped the scales at 200 and pregnant. I get a bone when she brushes up against me. I know it actually annoys her that I'm so easily turned on by her. I think about sex all the time.

WOW. at that height and weight, you're being pretty judgmental. I bet she looks better at 170.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Did you stop having sex witb DW because she became overweight/old"

I can't actually stop having sex, because I am a normal man with a normal sex drive for whom "sexless" is not a viable option.

And I am not the least bit turned off by a woman's natural aging process: my attraction is strongest to sexy women my age.

BUT.... there is no bloody excuse for her significant weight gain. TOTAL BONER KILLER!
If I had any other morally legit options for sex, it would not be with my overweight wife.

Yes, you are obviously a paragon of morality.

Do you honestly believe your wife would want to have sex with you if she knew how you felt about her? If you're going to be a dick, just own it and get yourself something on the side.

What is immoral about being unattracted to somebody who has gained a lot of unattractive weight?
That's not an issue of morality, just pure biology, and common sense.

You really think I should tell her?
Or you are just angry over the fact that lots of people (like me) feel strongly that fat is unattractive?

No. I just married Marla. Then I married Melania.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Did you stop having sex witb DW because she became overweight/old"

I can't actually stop having sex, because I am a normal man with a normal sex drive for whom "sexless" is not a viable option.

And I am not the least bit turned off by a woman's natural aging process: my attraction is strongest to sexy women my age.

BUT.... there is no bloody excuse for her significant weight gain. TOTAL BONER KILLER!
If I had any other morally legit options for sex, it would not be with my overweight wife.

How overweight is she?

50 pounds