Anonymous
09/29/2016 06:43
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. It always amazes me when people say to find a cheaper place when they don't even know whether the OP is living in an expensive place. We live in the cheapest housing available in our school boundary. Should my child have to leave all of her friends so I can get laid, which I no longer want because my spouse broke me of the urge?
It'd be nice to be one of those dissatisfied spouses in a McMansion with a $200k HHI. That person should put on her big girl panties. I'm not that person. I'm a legal aid lawyer married to an unemployed public interest advocate living in a modest rental in a good school district.
200K?? Wow, try 500K. This is DC. No one thinks 200K is fine.
500 is still pretty tight to be honest.
Yes, and those $500K salaries are either directly or indirectly paid for by taxes on the rest of us. Beltway living is fantasyland.
Anonymous
08/18/2016 10:02
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
OP, I'm facing a similar situation re: lost interest in sex after initial high drive. Every so often, I force myself to dress sexy and drink 2 glasses of wine and invite my dh to do it. It works and keeps peace for a while. Not ready for divorce but in my case it's gonna be inevitable. Also, can you get childcare say once a month and go out for dinner& sexy overnight at a hotel?
Anonymous
08/18/2016 09:50
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
OP, people hadn't recommended therapy for your husband because you were asking for help for yourself. You mentioned him having mental and physical illness, and I guess we figured the first line of action you two would have taken would be to get him seen for his various ailments and get on meds for the depression. Your questions here have been about how to deal with how you feel about him. Is the depression untreated?
What will happen if you have a frank conversation with him about how you're feeling and let him know that the past few years have made you shut down sexually? Is he so fragile that you can't be honest about your own state of mind?
What will happen if you have a frank conversation with him about how you're feeling and let him know that the past few years have made you shut down sexually? Is he so fragile that you can't be honest about your own state of mind?
Anonymous
08/18/2016 09:39
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm sorry people are being so mean and unhelpful to you. Unlike most people in dcum, I don't think it's the end of the world if you have a sexless marriage. I don't think you should feel bad about telling him, sorry, that ship has sailed and you chose not to be on it...
But, if that's not what you want, I think this is what you need to do. First, forgive him. At least a little. I think it's the resentment that breeds the repulsion, and maybe also the many years of tending to him while he was sick. Second, get pretty drunk and watch hot guys on TV. Third, just do it (well, maybe make him give you a backrub first). Close your eyes and think of the hot guys from TV. I think if you have okay sex a few times, you'll start to feel more attraction to him.
If she's really repulsed by himi she will not want a backrub from him. She won't even want to touch him with her feet. Trust me on this.
That said, just doing it can help.
Anonymous
08/18/2016 09:21
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
He sounds wonderful. Chronic bouts of long term depression. Not working. Not exercising. And doesn't want to do anything to fix it.
That's great that he "cares" about poverty and racism. Does he actually DO anything about it besides talk?
He might be depressed because he's not actually doing anything in life. Maybe you're repulsed by him because you know he's just a whiner that won't fix himself.
That's great that he "cares" about poverty and racism. Does he actually DO anything about it besides talk?
He might be depressed because he's not actually doing anything in life. Maybe you're repulsed by him because you know he's just a whiner that won't fix himself.
Anonymous
08/18/2016 00:40
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is there any other kind of intimacy between the two of you?
We have deep, frank conversations about things we care about. We work well together dealing with things like sick relatives and the kids' emotional development.
It's really just the sex. I can't get myself to want it. I feel repulsed by him.
I feel the same way about my DH, except for the working well together part.
What does he care about enough to deeply discuss with you?
Relatives who are sick or in trouble. Issues he cares about such as poverty and racism. His work situation. His own depression, but less so lately because he knows I'm going to recommend that he get himself out of the house to exercise or see friends while I'm at work, and he knows it's good advice but won't take it.
Anonymous
08/18/2016 00:24
Subject: Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Op, I'm sorry people are being so mean and unhelpful to you. Unlike most people in dcum, I don't think it's the end of the world if you have a sexless marriage. I don't think you should feel bad about telling him, sorry, that ship has sailed and you chose not to be on it...
But, if that's not what you want, I think this is what you need to do. First, forgive him. At least a little. I think it's the resentment that breeds the repulsion, and maybe also the many years of tending to him while he was sick. Second, get pretty drunk and watch hot guys on TV. Third, just do it (well, maybe make him give you a backrub first). Close your eyes and think of the hot guys from TV. I think if you have okay sex a few times, you'll start to feel more attraction to him.
But, if that's not what you want, I think this is what you need to do. First, forgive him. At least a little. I think it's the resentment that breeds the repulsion, and maybe also the many years of tending to him while he was sick. Second, get pretty drunk and watch hot guys on TV. Third, just do it (well, maybe make him give you a backrub first). Close your eyes and think of the hot guys from TV. I think if you have okay sex a few times, you'll start to feel more attraction to him.
Anonymous
08/18/2016 00:18
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is there any other kind of intimacy between the two of you?
We have deep, frank conversations about things we care about. We work well together dealing with things like sick relatives and the kids' emotional development.
It's really just the sex. I can't get myself to want it. I feel repulsed by him.
I feel the same way about my DH, except for the working well together part.
What does he care about enough to deeply discuss with you?
Anonymous
08/18/2016 00:11
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. It always amazes me when people say to find a cheaper place when they don't even know whether the OP is living in an expensive place. We live in the cheapest housing available in our school boundary. Should my child have to leave all of her friends so I can get laid, which I no longer want because my spouse broke me of the urge?
It'd be nice to be one of those dissatisfied spouses in a McMansion with a $200k HHI. That person should put on her big girl panties. I'm not that person. I'm a legal aid lawyer married to an unemployed public interest advocate living in a modest rental in a good school district.
200K?? Wow, try 500K. This is DC. No one thinks 200K is fine.
500 is still pretty tight to be honest.
The median household income in DC is $90k.
A legislative director in the House makes $75k. Counsel on the Senate makes about $109k. A legal aid lawyer makes about $70k.
OP does legal aid. And you're telling her she can afford two households. DCUM people have no perspective on what it means to be middle class.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 23:00
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. It always amazes me when people say to find a cheaper place when they don't even know whether the OP is living in an expensive place. We live in the cheapest housing available in our school boundary. Should my child have to leave all of her friends so I can get laid, which I no longer want because my spouse broke me of the urge?
It'd be nice to be one of those dissatisfied spouses in a McMansion with a $200k HHI. That person should put on her big girl panties. I'm not that person. I'm a legal aid lawyer married to an unemployed public interest advocate living in a modest rental in a good school district.
200K?? Wow, try 500K. This is DC. No one thinks 200K is fine.
500 is still pretty tight to be honest.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:56
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
I understand exactly what you are saying OP. I am a man who has dealt with constant rejection from my wife for about the first 8 years after kids were born. Now she is more willing to have sex although its still not clear if she wants it or just wants to keep me happy. After all that rejection, I just don't find her sexually attractive - I know she is attractive but not to me. So porn, fantasies, eyes closed, we do the deed a couple times a month. And it still is better than nothing - far better.
I get it. Seriously, develop a fantasy life, erotica, whatever, and see if you can close your eyes and imagine someone else.
I get it. Seriously, develop a fantasy life, erotica, whatever, and see if you can close your eyes and imagine someone else.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:48
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
I'm sorry to read about your situation; you are NOT alone. In almost every marriage, either the husband or the wife feels sexually unfulfilled, at least at some level. What can make relationships more difficult are expectations. Based on what everyone else seems to be doing, as well as the cultural stereotypes, we feel like we "must" do certain things. Expectations can be a huge barrier to accepting our sexual relationships for what they are and growing closer through challenging situations. Sex isn't love, but it is designed to be an expression of love. I think honest communication between you and your spouse is the first step to improve your situation.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 21:09
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Save up and get therapy later when you can afford it?
Anonymous
08/17/2016 20:18
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
I do nt think this marriage can be saved, especially without therapy. Sorry.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 20:14
Subject: Re:Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP- I can't afford therapy. He's laid off. Therapy isn't covered in my health plan.
OP, are you sure? I thought mental health was required to be covered by health insurance.
It must be covered at the same rate as other services. The problem is that almost no therapists take my health plan. That means they are out of network. There is a $100 deductible and after that, out of network is covered at 50%.
Therapy is about $180-200 per session. So I would be out about $100 per week for it.
Fascinated by all of the responses insisting I have to either go have an affair, get a divorce, or get fixed.
There is not, in fact, a financial option for me until my spouse is employed. I'm not a good candidate for high paying jobs and we already live simply.
It's interesting that nobody's trying to send my husband to therapy. He couldn't afford it either, but at least he has time.