I divorced someone who did this to me.

This thread is 8 years old.

Anonymous wrote:Call his bluff.

+1.

I had an ex who did this all of the time to manipulate me. Finally I left him, and it was the best decision of my life.

DH and I fight, but never threaten to leave because we aren’t manipulative jerks.

Caveat if you are a slob and leaving the house a disgusting mess, he may actually want to leave.

In my case, my ex didn’t actually want me to leave and was manipulating me with his threats to control my behaviors. When I finally left, he was devastated and tried to get me back. But I had already learned my lesson.

Call his bluff.

When people say "It's not a threat, it's a fact" I tend to side with them. Nice story painting your DH as the victim, but I bet the issues are much with you and how you handle the kids and house right? DH doesn't agree with how you live your life which impacts him as well. He's getting sick of it and you refuse to change.

Hi,
I'm non adhd spouse.
My adhd husband mood swings are worse than ever He ruminating during election campaign and it's not good. He threatened to divorce. Me when I questioned him.
Any advice????

I didn't read all the comments but want to add my situation here. Not a really advising but just letting you know, there is a fix for your relationship problem.

I was exactly in the same situation as you are, OP. The cycle of arguing came back every couple months. The same type of arguing would happen and ended with the same result. Nothing resolved. I was at my wit end and didn't know what to do beside killing myself. Luckily I tried Marriage Therapy individually because my husband hinted that he doesn't want to go to therapy. My therapist help my tremendously, she pointed out the proper way to respond to our arguments and how to change my husband responses based on my small changes in communication. Yes, I did all the work myself but it works, not right away slowly. Things improved and we have been happier. The problem is kind of coming from poor communication but there are lot more other factors beside just communication. If none of you change how you express yourself the same reaction would happen and the same old pattern happens. You and/or your husband need to make a change so that it doesn't trigger the same behavior. Then communication somehow becomes a lot easier.

Good luck OP.

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband might have ADHD. There's a cycle there. He doesn't do what he's supposed to do, gets overwhelmed, hates that you're reminding him of this, and explodes.

My husband does this too, and worse. I know he has ADHD because it runs in his family and our son has it as well. So far he refuses to seek a formal diagnosis and medication, but I know it will never get better if he doesn't do that. So either I will leave, or he will be treated.

Yes, my "absent-minded" DH is like this too. But not with office work, or shopping for a new toy.
During one of our conversations he really liked the idea that his iPhone was the reason he kept not hearing people, doing things he said he would and was bad behavior to model for our young kids. He really felt better that his iPhone was the culprit and he was a victim.

But in my case I know it is his passive aggressive tendencies. He feels, and has said, that emotions (especially any type of anger or sadness) are a weakness and should not occur. You are a weak person if you are upset, sad, disappointed or angered. Thus he suppresses his feelings, since he does not know what to do with them, let's them out in passive behavior (like not doing something, peeing on the toilet, forgetting something, doing something totally wrong), tried to get called out on it, escalates the conversation to an angry one and then pounces on you for getting angry at him. You are the problem, you're angry!!! Textbook PA. And it will be the end of our marriage as soon as our kids get in to elementary school FT. I've seen enough.

Your husband might have ADHD. There's a cycle there. He doesn't do what he's supposed to do, gets overwhelmed, hates that you're reminding him of this, and explodes.

My husband does this too, and worse. I know he has ADHD because it runs in his family and our son has it as well. So far he refuses to seek a formal diagnosis and medication, but I know it will never get better if he doesn't do that. So either I will leave, or he will be treated.

Its a power play and your DH is trying to control you with the fear of abandonment/that he will leave. Not cool. See a therapist. The therapist will tell him that threats of abandonment are not productive for a relationship and will tell him to stop. There is probably an angry inner boy in your husband that the therapist will bring out to his attention. Therapy will work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what if at some age your spouse isn't as capable as you expect? what if their mental capacity declines? Or their personality changes some with age. Do you blame them for every thing you want done that doesn't get done? No, you adjust your expectations, and you cope in new ways. It's a challenge for you. It will test you.

I worry more that if something happens to me he won't have half a clue how to do anything for me, the kids or the house.

As for expectations, it takes a certain very laid back type to continually drop basic expectations of a grown healthy adult and not feel totally taken advantage of.

I know couples that each cares and knows what's going on, they race each other to attend a child or take care of something that needs to be done. Total team in every aspect. op needs to stress teamwork and doing duties out of love, not a game of chicken to see who can hold out the longest.

If you constantly nag and don't let your H do it his way, he won't be able to take care of you or your kids. But once you are gone he will figure it out quickly, it still won't be your way but it will be fine.

It does take maturity yo know the difference between dropping expectations and realizing your expectations are controlling your life and unrealistic/ridiculous.

The couples that you know that figured it out, let their spouse do it their way, don't second guess them and got over their own hangups.

When I look around at unhappy couples with children the problem is one spouse NOT DOING IT AT ALL, or always half-assing things. It's like one needs to be babied with constant reminders and encouragement over basic, basic stuff (put dirty clothes in the hamper, mow the lawn, put your shoes away, etc.)

Furthermore, the balance is not between dropping expectations for stringent expectations - those are two sides of the same coin. The balance is between being able to count on your partner or not. If you cannot count on your partner to think of or do basic things for the team, you are on course for divorce or an unhappy co-habitation with no attraction. I cannot think of a faster way to look trust and faith in a spouse than to be continually disappointed, let down, fed with excuses, etc over basic expectations CONSTANTLY not being met. Call a spade a spade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what if at some age your spouse isn't as capable as you expect? what if their mental capacity declines? Or their personality changes some with age. Do you blame them for every thing you want done that doesn't get done? No, you adjust your expectations, and you cope in new ways. It's a challenge for you. It will test you.

I worry more that if something happens to me he won't have half a clue how to do anything for me, the kids or the house.

As for expectations, it takes a certain very laid back type to continually drop basic expectations of a grown healthy adult and not feel totally taken advantage of.

I know couples that each cares and knows what's going on, they race each other to attend a child or take care of something that needs to be done. Total team in every aspect. op needs to stress teamwork and doing duties out of love, not a game of chicken to see who can hold out the longest.

If you constantly nag and don't let your H do it his way, he won't be able to take care of you or your kids. But once you are gone he will figure it out quickly, it still won't be your way but it will be fine.

It does take maturity yo know the difference between dropping expectations and realizing your expectations are controlling your life and unrealistic/ridiculous.

The couples that you know that figured it out, let their spouse do it their way, don't second guess them and got over their own hangups.

My relations is like that. We are a true team. I feel we have something unusual. As a comment to some of the things said on this thread:

We always apologize when mistakes are made. Other posters claim that validating feeling and apologizing is unhealthy, that is the opposite in our relationship. Validation is actually a cornerstone.

As far as doing things "our way" we ABSOLUTELY strive to accommodate each other's particularities. This is done because we love each other and get pleasure out of pleasing each other. For instance, I'm messy, he's clean. I've worked very hard over the years to form better habits. It frustrates him when I leave clothes on the floor or don't immediately do my dishes. He doesn't like it when I trash the car, so I work hard not to do that and take the car every 2 weeks to get the inside clean. I don't give a shit, but it makes him happy and therefore me happy.

For me, my quirk that he accommodates is that when he empties the kids backpacks, I like all papers and homework to be addressed and taken care of right away. He's more landscape back about it. He knows the way I like it and he adjusts in order to please me.

As a team, you canto operate in a vacuum or the team can't function. We've been doing this for 20 years and I can say that together, we've won the jackpot of marriages.

It might be helpful to listen to this program airing later today 'Directing Your Strong Will to Improve Your Relationships'. You should get it with a google search. Hope things improve for both of you.

A power play by someone who feels powerless.

Or the more likely scenario.

As you wrote "around poor listening, poor communication and then poor conflict resolution." It would seem he is like old faithful, he has to blow off steam or explode.