Anonymous
08/20/2016 18:48
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
NP
I find it very disheartening that people don't get that while no one ever deserves to be treated badly that there are actually strategies to command respect. If someone is treating you badly for years, you are complicit at some point and need to learn these strategies.
The culture of victimhood and indignation is not helpful to anyone. When you embody this it feels in the short term like you are taking control back, but it's actually weak and self-destructive (and destructive of others as well).
Lastly, the whole "I didn't want to model that to my kids" excuse is nauseating and I'm so tired of reading about it here. Model figuring it out to your kids.
And no, you actually CAN save a marriage even if one spouse refuses to participate. You can do things to make them WANT to work on it. Most people just prefer indignation, it's a cheap thrill frankly.
I find it very disheartening that people don't get that while no one ever deserves to be treated badly that there are actually strategies to command respect. If someone is treating you badly for years, you are complicit at some point and need to learn these strategies.
The culture of victimhood and indignation is not helpful to anyone. When you embody this it feels in the short term like you are taking control back, but it's actually weak and self-destructive (and destructive of others as well).
Lastly, the whole "I didn't want to model that to my kids" excuse is nauseating and I'm so tired of reading about it here. Model figuring it out to your kids.
And no, you actually CAN save a marriage even if one spouse refuses to participate. You can do things to make them WANT to work on it. Most people just prefer indignation, it's a cheap thrill frankly.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 12:29
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
"Women are financially self sufficient and no longer need to stay in a marriage for financial security. Women and men have been lying and cheating in marriages since the dawn of time. Now, it's just easier to say, I'm not putting up with this crap anymore and walk away."
This is very true, but it doesn't mean that they don't try hard to work on their marriages before they leave. In fact, the women are the ones who are the most financially successful are often the ones who are type As who don't want to 'fail' at anything, which means they try harder than they probably should to save marriages that don't have a chance.
This is very true, but it doesn't mean that they don't try hard to work on their marriages before they leave. In fact, the women are the ones who are the most financially successful are often the ones who are type As who don't want to 'fail' at anything, which means they try harder than they probably should to save marriages that don't have a chance.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 11:57
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
Anonymous wrote:For 20 years I ignored his slovenly habits and quietly cleaned up after him myself (he has ADD, so there was no point in trying to work out a middle road about his messiness). For 20 years I did all the parenting, including talking to the kids when I found a pot pipe and urging one of them to get his C/D grades up to B's, even as Ex said I was being "too hard" on the kids and refused to pitch in.
I stuck with it for 20 years because I figured my shoulders were broad and the kids needed stability.
He left anyway to pursue his fantasies about being a bachelor. The kids have told me repeatedly that they appreciate my attempts to instill work ethic, and DS has said maybe 50 times that he wishes he had had a male role model.
And can I just say that it's so therapeutic to type out these things, which I've only told my family and a few select friends. Even if it is in aid of pointing out to MRA moron that it's not always the wife's fault in every single case.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 11:54
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
For 20 years I ignored his slovenly habits and quietly cleaned up after him myself (he has ADD, so there was no point in trying to work out a middle road about his messiness). For 20 years I did all the parenting, including talking to the kids when I found a pot pipe and urging one of them to get his C/D grades up to B's, even as Ex said I was being "too hard" on the kids and refused to pitch in.
I stuck with it for 20 years because I figured my shoulders were broad and the kids needed stability.
He left anyway to pursue his fantasies about being a bachelor. The kids have told me repeatedly that they appreciate my attempts to instill work ethic, and DS has said maybe 50 times that he wishes he had had a male role model.
I stuck with it for 20 years because I figured my shoulders were broad and the kids needed stability.
He left anyway to pursue his fantasies about being a bachelor. The kids have told me repeatedly that they appreciate my attempts to instill work ethic, and DS has said maybe 50 times that he wishes he had had a male role model.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 11:26
Subject: Re:Divorce and Seperation
Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been through very tough times ... a baby died. We grew apart. There was no communication. Sex fizzled and went away. She thought I was having an affair (I swear on my life I was not, but clearly I somehow gave her the impression I was, which obviously was a problem.) She got involved in an emotional affair.
Our marriage has been through very, very rough spots. But we have been committed to making it work. We pledged to be there in good times and bad, and we have been there in bad. Neither of us wants divorce. We have two wonderful kids whose lives would be torn apart. We have made much progress in the past year. I don't know what the future holds, and it still requires a lot of work, communication, compromise, and yes, to be blunt, more sex than she wants (which is basically none). But I am optimistic, and through it all, I continue to love her.
Thanks for the positive example, PP.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 10:38
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
Anonymous wrote:As 21:33 illustrates, there are many of us who are or have been in abusive marriages (emotional or physical). This kind of self-righteous, smug post isn't helpful. It is the kind of thing I would have read before I left my abusive ex, that would have made me think I should just stick it out a little longer. Try to be a little more perfect to avoid setting him off. Fuck that. Plenty of people have very good reasons to leave their marriages.
+1. This culture of "marriage is hard" and "you have to work at marriage," is what kept me in an abusive relationship for far too long. Abuse is severly damaging, not just physically but also emotionally. I got out when I realized that I was dooming my child to an intergenerational cycle of abuse.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 10:25
Subject: Re:Divorce and Seperation
My wife and I have been through very tough times ... a baby died. We grew apart. There was no communication. Sex fizzled and went away. She thought I was having an affair (I swear on my life I was not, but clearly I somehow gave her the impression I was, which obviously was a problem.) She got involved in an emotional affair.
Our marriage has been through very, very rough spots. But we have been committed to making it work. We pledged to be there in good times and bad, and we have been there in bad. Neither of us wants divorce. We have two wonderful kids whose lives would be torn apart. We have made much progress in the past year. I don't know what the future holds, and it still requires a lot of work, communication, compromise, and yes, to be blunt, more sex than she wants (which is basically none). But I am optimistic, and through it all, I continue to love her.
Our marriage has been through very, very rough spots. But we have been committed to making it work. We pledged to be there in good times and bad, and we have been there in bad. Neither of us wants divorce. We have two wonderful kids whose lives would be torn apart. We have made much progress in the past year. I don't know what the future holds, and it still requires a lot of work, communication, compromise, and yes, to be blunt, more sex than she wants (which is basically none). But I am optimistic, and through it all, I continue to love her.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 08:52
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
It's callous and cruel to blame the wife if the husband refuses to work on the marriage/drop the affair/share parenting/put his family's needs on par with his own. Some of the stories I've read here recently about DH behavior are appalling. It takes both partners to fix a marriage; one spouse can't do it alone.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 08:14
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
It's easy to pontificate when you are young/newly married, OP.
Be sure to post back once you have 15-20 years of marriage under your belt and you discover your husband is having an emotional affair with a coworker.
PS - There's no such thing as an emotional affair because sex is always involved. It's just a cute term that people use when they can't handle the truth.
Be sure to post back once you have 15-20 years of marriage under your belt and you discover your husband is having an emotional affair with a coworker.
PS - There's no such thing as an emotional affair because sex is always involved. It's just a cute term that people use when they can't handle the truth.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 06:57
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
You can't squeeze blood from a rock. If one spouse already left, filed divorce and moved on despite the other's willingness and pleas to try and work it out, it's over. Like it or not. Happened to me when my kids were 1.5yr and 4 months old.
But I'm sure we're glad to have noble beings like OP to pontificate and preach down at the rest of us lesser drones who just need to be taught.
But I'm sure we're glad to have noble beings like OP to pontificate and preach down at the rest of us lesser drones who just need to be taught.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 06:20
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
I'm the soon-to-be-ex-wife whose ex left and immediately bought a sports car and started online dating.
I begged him to go to couples' therapy. I pointed out that our youngest had one more year of high school, DS also struggles with anxiety, and we should try our hardest to provide DS with structure and a stable final year in his childhood home.
It fell on deaf ears. It's extremely hard to push back against midlife crisis and congenital selfishness. I'm glad things changed for the better for OP. But if DH can't be bothered to work on the marriage, then there's not much the wife can do alone.
I begged him to go to couples' therapy. I pointed out that our youngest had one more year of high school, DS also struggles with anxiety, and we should try our hardest to provide DS with structure and a stable final year in his childhood home.
It fell on deaf ears. It's extremely hard to push back against midlife crisis and congenital selfishness. I'm glad things changed for the better for OP. But if DH can't be bothered to work on the marriage, then there's not much the wife can do alone.
Anonymous
08/20/2016 04:48
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Don't you know this is the bitter divorcees forum?
And to think people actually come here for advice.
BTW, I agree with the OP as well
Sock puppet
Anonymous
08/19/2016 23:58
Subject: Divorce and Seperation
Anonymous wrote:DH threatens to hurt us and I'm afraid to sleep. Really need to get out alive
Document everything and call the police if you feel threatened.
Domestic violence is real and the police will help you.
Anonymous
08/19/2016 23:52
Subject: Re:Divorce and Seperation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:CallMeMaybe wrote:My Ex was a terrible communicator, was never ever there for me in stressful times (a meeting in Boston was more important than being with me during a DC surgery), he went out all the time while I stayed home with our 2 year old daughter and worked full time. He slowly became the dirtbag that never grew up. Being a parent means being there.
I slowly hated living a lie and moved out. Big props to be. My freedom is everything to me.
Meanwhile after 6 months of separation he found a much younger woman and now they are engaged. And I'm watching history repeat itself. He can use his control tactics on her.
OP here...
This is exactly what I am talking about. Did you try to get him to communicate better? Did you tell him how much you needed him during those times? Or did you just let it fester and let the anger grow? This seems to have been the perfect case where learning to connect could have saved the marriage. You married him for a reason, you loved him at one time. You gave it all up without trying to save it. Now you have a daughter without a full time dad.
OP you are a clueless idiot. Take some time to actually read, absorb and think. You are being very very dense.
Agreed. OP lives in a fairytale.
How many times must I ask my husband to get a job? How long do I wait and be patient? This is not the role model I want for my children.
Anonymous
08/16/2016 02:09
Subject: Re:Divorce and Seperation
Anonymous wrote:CallMeMaybe wrote:My Ex was a terrible communicator, was never ever there for me in stressful times (a meeting in Boston was more important than being with me during a DC surgery), he went out all the time while I stayed home with our 2 year old daughter and worked full time. He slowly became the dirtbag that never grew up. Being a parent means being there.
I slowly hated living a lie and moved out. Big props to be. My freedom is everything to me.
Meanwhile after 6 months of separation he found a much younger woman and now they are engaged. And I'm watching history repeat itself. He can use his control tactics on her.
OP here...
This is exactly what I am talking about. Did you try to get him to communicate better? Did you tell him how much you needed him during those times? Or did you just let it fester and let the anger grow? This seems to have been the perfect case where learning to connect could have saved the marriage. You married him for a reason, you loved him at one time. You gave it all up without trying to save it. Now you have a daughter without a full time dad.
OP:
While I could see your perspective in your original posting, I find your attitude sickening in this response.
Really judgmental & self-serving.
How dare you say something so cruel to another person just because they do not share your belief.
That last line was a cheap shot + you owe an apology.
I feel so sorry for your husband......