Anonymous wrote:Save yourself the time and heartache and end it. You're not compatible at all. I think these responses are jarring to you because your normal isn't the... "Normal" normal. It's not typical to spend so much time with your family and to scurry off to see them whenever you have free time. You make it sound like any time spent alone with your boyfriend away from your family is a sacrifice, and that's really, really weird to most people. And that's okay, like a PP mentioned there are plenty of people in the world who prioritize family over everything else. But you belong with someone who is like you.

OK, yes that is a good way of describing it! To many of us the level of closeness you have your with family and need to spend so much of your free time with them sounds hellish, but, obviously for you it's heaven. So not better or worse, just different. You and your boyfriend aren't a good fit. And that's OK, too. Sometimes good people can't make it work. Time to end this relationship and find someone who will love being with your family the way you do.

Save yourself the time and heartache and end it. You're not compatible at all. I think these responses are jarring to you because your normal isn't the... "Normal" normal. It's not typical to spend so much time with your family and to scurry off to see them whenever you have free time. You make it sound like any time spent alone with your boyfriend away from your family is a sacrifice, and that's really, really weird to most people. And that's okay, like a PP mentioned there are plenty of people in the world who prioritize family over everything else. But you belong with someone who is like you.

Anonymous wrote:I have never met an adult who wanted to make her partner hang out with her family of origin twice per week. If I were dating someone who asked for that I'd run for the hills.

If you are serious he should have attended the wedding. There are two possibilities there: (1) a passive - aggressive power struggle relating to your pressure for excessive time with them; or (2) he is trying to tell you that you're not going to be life partners so hd doesn't belong at family milestone events.

Either way, you two don't fit.

If you want someone who would rather hang with your parents than with friends or one to one, maybe find someone at their church. Better yet, develop an independent social life.

This. (And I'm a female.) I would not ever want to hang out with my partner's family so often even if I really really liked them. Weekly is ridiculous. He probably didn't want to go to the wedding because you force them on him so much.

I have never seen a GF's or my wife's family more than even once every few months. Once a month is a lot.

Once a week is ridiculous unless I love seeing them and they live very close.

OP -- when you think about life down the road, what does it look like? I have a feeling you'd want it to be like this -- living down the street from your siblings and parents; your sisters/sisters in law as your best friends; kids running back and forth to cousins and grandparents homes; when your niece has a soccer game or your son has a football game -- the whole family goes to cheer and after that game, you all convene at one home, eat dinner and talk and laugh for hours, everyone goes home to their own houses at 9-10 pm exhausted and to bed, then everyone wakes up, goes to work, and reconvenes with the family in the evening and the cycle restarts.

Am I close?

Nothing wrong with this type of living at all -- it's a very generational, communal way of living that can lead to a very happy life surrounded by those closest to you. I grew up in south Jersey surrounded by many (3rd or 4th gen) Italian families and this was their daily life; I was always a bit jealous of it. Reality is though --in order for it to work, you need a boyfriend/spouse who grew up in this kind of lifestyle (and then you'll be doubly busy bc you'll be splitting time with his and your family assuming they're nearby) OR one who didn't but really wanted it. Bc then they will jump right in and be a part of the fun from day one. It will NOT work if you have a boyfriend like yours -- who is either at your family home checking his watch the whole time wondering when you can leave or worse yet refuses to go and is stewing at home thinking -- WTH -- she's been over there for 4 freaking hours already and she still isn't done!?

Think honestly but what you want in the long run bc the way you're putting it, I don't think this bf is the right match for you (nor you for him).

How old are you OP? This sounds...immature to me.

Anonymous wrote:Well I just don't know what to do then. We recently moved into together after almost a year of me staying at his apartment.

I work out of the home for a month at a time and then am home for 1-2 months. We got into a huge argument about the fact he feels I don't "contribute" enough when i'm home and that we don't spend enough alone time together. When I am home I haven't seen my family for a long time so i spend most of the day with my parents or sister while he's at work. And when he gets home, I'm usually just down the street at my parents house and he gets PISSED when I come home at 7 or 8 it's not like i'm coming home at midnight. Which seems ridiculous, because I told him that he's more than welcome to come over too but he never wants to which is so upsetting to me.

But I agreed that I would come home and spend time with him and have dinner with him and help more with cooking/cleaning. So I feel like i'm making compromises but he's not giving me anything back?! I don't know if i'm ready to give up yet ... I was hoping we could figure it out.

You go out of town for long stretches and when you come back you immediately run to your family and spend hours and hours with them? And you are "just down the street" but can't be bothered to break away from your family enough to be at home when he gets home from work so you two can share a meal together?

I think once a month plus special occasions like weddings is reasonable. The fact he wouldn't go to the wedding is really bad and I say that coming from a very low maintenance family I don't like very much. Unless the wedding was to someplace far away or expensive.

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend will not spend time with my family. He just said he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to host them for dinner at our house. I went to my sister's wedding SOLO because he refused to come. He doesn't want to come to my brothers birthday next weekend.

He and I have had several conversations about this and he said he's not close with his own family and doesn't see it as a priority. He thinks seeing my family once a month is reasonable, I would like him to come once per week at least maybe twice and I don't think this is an unreasonable request. He sees his own family maybe once every 3-4 months (they live out of state and are not that close). I see my family multiple times per week and he never wants to come. I'm tired of coming up with excuses about why he's not there. When he does come he's friendly and polite but I can tell he would rather be doing other things. I am pulling my hair out over here! Is this a dealbreaker?

Twice a week with family that is not mine is absolutely asking too much!

Anonymous wrote:Well I just don't know what to do then. We recently moved into together after almost a year of me staying at his apartment.

I work out of the home for a month at a time and then am home for 1-2 months. We got into a huge argument about the fact he feels I don't "contribute" enough when i'm home and that we don't spend enough alone time together. When I am home I haven't seen my family for a long time so i spend most of the day with my parents or sister while he's at work. And when he gets home, I'm usually just down the street at my parents house and he gets PISSED when I come home at 7 or 8 it's not like i'm coming home at midnight. Which seems ridiculous, because I told him that he's more than welcome to come over too but he never wants to which is so upsetting to me.

But I agreed that I would come home and spend time with him and have dinner with him and help more with cooking/cleaning. So I feel like i'm making compromises but he's not giving me anything back?! I don't know if i'm ready to give up yet ... I was hoping we could figure it out.

OK, whoa. Why do you need to stay with your family until 7 or 8PM? It is not unreasonable for him to expect you to have dinner with him and contribute around the house. That is your compromise?

I agreed earlier that you two aren't compatible, but now I think you're just ready for an adult relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't understand how I seem like the crazy one?!

Because adults don't behave the way you do.

I was going to say that it isn't crazy, just different and then I thought of a relative by marriage that is very close to her family. So close that she is at her mother's house all the time with the spouse and baby. So close that she has alienated her husband's family because she doesn't trust anyone with her child other than her own family (I'm not kidding). The marriage appears to have three people, the husband, her mom, and her. There are also major control issues at work. So having seen this extreme I can see how it seems like you are on that road. For one, attending family events is not mandatory. My DH always preface family events by ASKING if we have anything planned on the calendar, that xyz event is coming up. Sometimes he goes by himself, sometimes we both go, sometimes we have a schedule conflict. Because we both give each other consideration year round, when there is something special, I really want to go for him.

The approach shouldn't be because you now are coming home by the time he gets home from work, he should go to every family event on the weekend, it should have been working with him to find out what times work for both of you. I'm not saying you don't drop in on your mom or see your nephew but if it was going to impact your time together and schedule, you could say, hey I want to check in on my mom this week, does Wednesday this week work, and you will be on your own for dinner that night? This is assuming you think he will be your family and vice versa someday.

Anonymous wrote:No we are both white. It may seem excessive to some but this is my normal. My mom is sick with a chronic illness so I try to spend as much time with her as possible and my sister just had a baby so I want to see my niece too.

Family is really important to me but so is my boyfriend and I feel like I have compromised, we agreed that I would have dinner with him 5 nights out of the week and spend more time together doing things just us. But he still grudgingly participates with my family. He doesn't want to come to my brothers birthday next weekend either.

I don't understand how I seem like the crazy one?! I'm honestly shocked at these responses.

If I were him, I'd feel suffocated. I'm just being honest. If my husband wanted me to spend that much time with his family, I'd wish him well but insist we part ways. It's just not something I can do on a regular basis.

It's also possible that he doesn't really like your family. That doesn't mean he hates them, but maybe he just doesn't like them enough to want to spend that much time around them.

My husband never expects me to attend his family events. I never expect him to attend mine. We usually both end up attending inlaw events, even if it isn't the way we'd prefer to spend our time. But a big part of our willingness to go is that fact that we don't pressure each other. We respect each other as autonomous adults. Allowing each other choice makes it seem less like an oppressive obligation.
It also makes me breathe easier knowing if -- for whatever reason -- I really don't want to go to a function, he's not going to be angry. I'm actually more inclined to agree to go to things because of that.

But all of that said, there's no way I could deal with seeing my husband's family on a weekly basis. No way. I'm sure he feels the same about mine. In fact, I think we both feel the same about our own families -- that we need space from them. But we're both fairly independent people.

Anonymous wrote:The wedding is reasonable. But no way in hell would I even see my own family twice a week. So you have to see his refusing to go to the wedding as a response to your extreme request of twice a week. Both equally abnormal.

You are obviously just not right for each other.

Right. There is no long term relationship here. You have to very different expectations.

I've experienced something like this except it was my BF who wasn't prioritizing our relationship. I was really resentful of his expecting me to visit his family with him (they lived 3 miles from us) and to attend his family events (including a wedding where I didn't know anyone but his parents, him and the bride). His family was nice but it required a lot of energy from me to engage with them. They weren't 'easy' for me to be around. BF wasn't interested/mindful of my growing resentment and the impact it had on our relationship. I DTMF. Clearly, you and your BF are just as incompatible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But a wedding? He's supposed to come and be supportive and meet the rest of my family. He wouldn't even come to the family dinner the night before the wedding. His argument was that I was in the bridal party and we wouldn't see eachother anyways (seated apart). But I still think he could have sucked it up for one night?! I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all.

I can see his point, even though I agree with you. It doesn't sound like you guys are compatible, given that seeing family regularly is important to you and he is totally disinterested.

+1 But he apparently has zero interest in impressing you or your family. I experienced this with a former boyfriend, who made little effort with my friends and family but expected me to be available for his. He's not that into you. Dump him.