Many relationships do not survive recovery. Sometimes relationships are based on mutual dysfunction and when one person makes significant lifestyle changes, the other person refuses to adapt and the relationship crumbles.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All AA is like that. It is a crazy cult and it doesn't work. Ask Google about it.

+1 I predict this doesn't mix well with the atheist pov about reality - AA involves a LOT of magical thinking...kind of like alcoholism.

I will have to look into it more. What I've learned is he doesn't control how much he drinks. He doesn't currently have the self control to just stop drinking after 4 beers. He has to drink 12.

The pragmatist in me thinks it's completely unrealistic for someone our age to never drink again, with the weddings and vacations and social events we are attending all the time. He will be surrounded by it on a regular basis. I think one should focus more energy on retraining yourself to learn how to drink responsibly. Isn't that what they do in Europe?

Ok, OP. You need to get to Al Anon, stat. I posted before and am married to an alcoholic. He will never have the self control to just stop drinking after 4 beers. I haven't heard from him, but YOU sound like you haven't resolved yourself to understand that he can never. drink. again. Not at all. And the fact that you think it's "unrealistic" for someone your age to never drink again because you'll be at weddings and social events is an incredibly immature viewpoint. Plenty of younger adults don't drink. He will not be able to get sober if his partner is not supportive of his recovery. You absolutely should not stop drinking while away from him if you don't want to and you definitely shouldn't go to church if you don't want to, but stop figuring out how you can get your fiance to better suit HIS recovery to YOUR needs.

I don't think it's immature. I think it's realistic. Everyone drinks. Everywhere we go. And he said he cannot be around it. So he is going to have to completely isolate himself from all friend and family for the foreseeable future if he expects to go cold turkey and never drink again. I feel like the success rate of that will not be very high.

Yes, he is. You're right. My husband just didn't go to parties for a while. He's almost five years sober and if he's somewhere and the drinking is getting to him, he leaves. He doesn't make me leave with him. He just says, hey you stay and have fun, i'll see you at home. The answer to that isn't, "well, you're going to have to suck it up and learn to drink reasonably like all us normal people." Jesus. For your fiance's sake, I hope you leave. you absolutely are not helping.

Well said pp!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All AA is like that. It is a crazy cult and it doesn't work. Ask Google about it.

+1 I predict this doesn't mix well with the atheist pov about reality - AA involves a LOT of magical thinking...kind of like alcoholism.

I will have to look into it more. What I've learned is he doesn't control how much he drinks. He doesn't currently have the self control to just stop drinking after 4 beers. He has to drink 12.

The pragmatist in me thinks it's completely unrealistic for someone our age to never drink again, with the weddings and vacations and social events we are attending all the time. He will be surrounded by it on a regular basis. I think one should focus more energy on retraining yourself to learn how to drink responsibly. Isn't that what they do in Europe?

I suggest you do some reading about what happens to a person's brain when they reach the point of being an addict or alcoholic. Also, 4 drinks? What about limiting it to 1 to 2. Why do you believe that 4 is reasonable?

Anonymous wrote:All AA is like that. It is a crazy cult and it doesn't work. Ask Google about it.

It works if a person works it and frankly your statement about it being a crazy cult, well, is crazy.

OP, if you have been with your fiance a long time, even though the drinking is his problem, it's extremely likely that you have become part of the dynamic of an alcoholic family as well and need to examine your own behavior. I saw this play out with my parents. My mom didn't reflect on her own behavior because in her view the only problem was always my father's drinking. And once he quit drinking there as always something else he was doing wrong according to her.

Al-Anon helps with that self-reflection. As an adult child of an alcoholic, Al-Anon helped me sort out my own issues vis a vis my parents and other things happening in my life. I was living a pretty crazy life because that's what I learned growing up in my family. Even though my dad wasn't drinking at that time, I was still acting like an untreated child of an alcoholic.

You don't have to be religious - and again as people have noted, it depends on the meeting you go to. I attended Al-Anon meetings at the university where I attended grad school and there were very few people whom I would call highly religious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All AA is like that. It is a crazy cult and it doesn't work. Ask Google about it.

+1 I predict this doesn't mix well with the atheist pov about reality - AA involves a LOT of magical thinking...kind of like alcoholism.

I will have to look into it more. What I've learned is he doesn't control how much he drinks. He doesn't currently have the self control to just stop drinking after 4 beers. He has to drink 12.

The pragmatist in me thinks it's completely unrealistic for someone our age to never drink again, with the weddings and vacations and social events we are attending all the time. He will be surrounded by it on a regular basis. I think one should focus more energy on retraining yourself to learn how to drink responsibly. Isn't that what they do in Europe?

Ok, OP. You need to get to Al Anon, stat. I posted before and am married to an alcoholic. He will never have the self control to just stop drinking after 4 beers. I haven't heard from him, but YOU sound like you haven't resolved yourself to understand that he can never. drink. again. Not at all. And the fact that you think it's "unrealistic" for someone your age to never drink again because you'll be at weddings and social events is an incredibly immature viewpoint. Plenty of younger adults don't drink. He will not be able to get sober if his partner is not supportive of his recovery. You absolutely should not stop drinking while away from him if you don't want to and you definitely shouldn't go to church if you don't want to, but stop figuring out how you can get your fiance to better suit HIS recovery to YOUR needs.

I don't think it's immature. I think it's realistic. Everyone drinks. Everywhere we go. And he said he cannot be around it. So he is going to have to completely isolate himself from all friend and family for the foreseeable future if he expects to go cold turkey and never drink again. I feel like the success rate of that will not be very high.

It sounds like you should definitely break up. If your fiance's drinking has gotten to this point, he has to do what he has to do in order to stay sober. If he is successful in pursuing sobriety, it may be that he will be comfortable around alcohol in a few years. That's how it has worked for people in my family. But right now if he can't do it, he can't do it. That sounds like that's a problem for you and if so you two should break up.