Anonymous
Post 08/12/2016 12:56     Subject: Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:My DH is gone five nights a week. It's tough. But one of my coworkers who has been a truly single mom from the start pointed out that at least I have the financial security of being married, and that my kids aren't being shuttled from house to house, and dealing with new romantic partners, etc.

I actually enjoy it more when DH isn't home--the house stays cleaner, we can eat breakfast for dinner, or pick up Subway on the way to the pool, or do whatever we want to do. It's just easier when it's just the two of us.


In what sense do you have a marriage?
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 20:43     Subject: Re:Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What's missing from the discussion is....do you love him?? Does he love you?

This.
Do you spend quality time when you are together?
Not really... he's absorbed by his iPad. We do occasional dates, but only if I make the arrangements.


Then start with that. Spend quality time together when you are together. No screens.
I'd have to tear it from his cold, dead hands. Honestly. I swear.


Just ask him. I have to do this with my DH. He doesn't travel as much as yours (about half as much), but sure, it can be tough. But it will be tougher without him.

I did get to the point where I liked it better when he was gone. But we are coming back. Make a point to do the things to reintroduce intimacy in your life. Dates, yes, you are going to have to arrange them. Just do it every week. Talk every day, find something special to do together. Make a point to see his good qualities. Complement him. Have sex every week, if not more.
OP here... it's really hard. He thinks everything is perfectly fine and he is perfectly happy with things as they stand. I am miserable.


I know it is hard. But if he doesn't know you are miserable, he can't do anything about it. Really, and truly, give it a try if you do love him. Talk with a counselor for you, and maybe a couples counselor when you are ready as a couple.

I know what it is like to be miserable. I do. But you can do this. Make yourself happy, but don't not say things. Don't avoid the hard topics. You can be kind, but clear, that his screen time is upsetting you and making you feel unimportant.

My DH used to use the phone at dinner and it drove me crazy. I asked him not to, and it took a while for him to GET it. "can you please put your phone away at dinner" every night until it sinks in. Sometimes he still pulls it out, but much much much less.

And, really, my DH rarely makes the dates. If I don't do them, they don't happen. But, sometimes you just have to accept that. Kind of like if he doesn't wash my car it doesn't get washed. Right?
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 17:51     Subject: Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
OP - my husband travels 2-3 nights/week most weeks. So, sounds like close to what yours does. It sucks. If we had family around here, I think it would make it a lot better because I am pretty lonely. I stay busy with the kids, but it isn't the same. I am willing for our HHI to go way down so that he doesn't travel nearly as much, but that isn't what he wants. He likes having the big job. So, I hire a lot of help, visit family when I can and just trudge on. I am not going to blow up my family over this and I have no illusions that it would be easier as a divorced parent. He loves me and I love him, and I do enjoy the time we spend together. No real answers, but I do understand how you feel.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 17:46     Subject: Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:To all the lonely wives of traveling husbands, what serious financial sacrifices have you made, or offered to make, so that your husbands might feel comfortable in taking the risk of cutting back on all the business travel?


(crickets)


I have offered and am willing to go back to my biglaw job that paid $300k/year.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 17:45     Subject: Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
To all the lonely wives of traveling husbands, what serious financial sacrifices have you made, or offered to make, so that your husbands might feel comfortable in taking the risk of cutting back on all the business travel?


(crickets)
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 17:24     Subject: Re:Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What's missing from the discussion is....do you love him?? Does he love you?

This.
Do you spend quality time when you are together?
Not really... he's absorbed by his iPad. We do occasional dates, but only if I make the arrangements.


Then start with that. Spend quality time together when you are together. No screens.
I'd have to tear it from his cold, dead hands. Honestly. I swear.


Just ask him. I have to do this with my DH. He doesn't travel as much as yours (about half as much), but sure, it can be tough. But it will be tougher without him.

I did get to the point where I liked it better when he was gone. But we are coming back. Make a point to do the things to reintroduce intimacy in your life. Dates, yes, you are going to have to arrange them. Just do it every week. Talk every day, find something special to do together. Make a point to see his good qualities. Complement him. Have sex every week, if not more.
OP here... it's really hard. He thinks everything is perfectly fine and he is perfectly happy with things as they stand. I am miserable.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 14:19     Subject: Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with something like this now with DH. His job is requiring him to travel more, and it's disrupting our family.

Up until now he was able to leave at 8:30 AM and be home by 5:15 PM. We split the cooking, as on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach yoga. He helps the kids (10 and 8) with their homework, and then spends time with each of them after dinner before they fall asleep.

Now, however, his company is doing a QA initiative where he has to go on the road once a month to train people and assess their performance. He was gone Monday and Tuesday this week, missing the kids' bedtime. He also traveled Wednesday AND Thursday July 6 & 7. Yes, on the week of the FOURTH OF JULY!!!

His next trip is to attend a 2-day West Coast conference on a Tuesday and Wednesday. Get this--he wants to fly out the next morning rather than on the red-eye. The conference ends at 8:30 PM near the airport, so he can most certainly make an 11:30 PM flight. His work is willing to book him an extra night at the hotel and he claims he'll be exhausted, but he's not understanding that his CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM!!!

So I feel for you, OP. It's awful the way people just do not respect families, and worse when like husbands like yours and mine don't stand up and refuse to travel when telephones and Skype can work just fine.


Yikes, PP. You sound spoiled. So he traveled July 5 & 6. I don't see why that is a big deal.
Yes, red eyes suck big time. He won't be able to see his kids. Do face time instead.
Since telephones and Skype can work just fine, please use them to keep in contact instead of grousing about it.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 14:15     Subject: Re:Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What's missing from the discussion is....do you love him?? Does he love you?

This.
Do you spend quality time when you are together?
Not really... he's absorbed by his iPad. We do occasional dates, but only if I make the arrangements.


Then start with that. Spend quality time together when you are together. No screens.
I'd have to tear it from his cold, dead hands. Honestly. I swear.


Just ask him. I have to do this with my DH. He doesn't travel as much as yours (about half as much), but sure, it can be tough. But it will be tougher without him.

I did get to the point where I liked it better when he was gone. But we are coming back. Make a point to do the things to reintroduce intimacy in your life. Dates, yes, you are going to have to arrange them. Just do it every week. Talk every day, find something special to do together. Make a point to see his good qualities. Complement him. Have sex every week, if not more.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 13:34     Subject: Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
OP, since you have the means to outsource, then do things for yourself when DH is gone and plan to spend quality time together when he is around.
Now, if you don't like his company, then it's a different story.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 13:30     Subject: Re:Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What's missing from the discussion is....do you love him?? Does he love you?

This.
Do you spend quality time when you are together?
Not really... he's absorbed by his iPad. We do occasional dates, but only if I make the arrangements.


Then start with that. Spend quality time together when you are together. No screens.
I'd have to tear it from his cold, dead hands. Honestly. I swear.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 13:29     Subject: Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:OP - did you know that his job would require tons of travel before you got married? Or is this a new job? I think you should make an appt. w/ a marriage counselor when you know DH will be home to go with you. You need to discuss how his travel is affecting your relationship. Can he cut down on travel and still keep his job? Does he love the travel and is he making it a priority over your marriage and kids? What will he compromise on? If he doesn't want to compromise (bc marriage is about compromise) then maybe you need to discuss divorce.
OP here - not a new job, but not one he had when we married. He loves his job, and doesn't see how it can be done without the travel/late nights. I know enough about his job to know this is probably true.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 13:29     Subject: Re:Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What's missing from the discussion is....do you love him?? Does he love you?

This.
Do you spend quality time when you are together?
Not really... he's absorbed by his iPad. We do occasional dates, but only if I make the arrangements.


Then start with that. Spend quality time together when you are together. No screens.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 13:28     Subject: Re:Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What's missing from the discussion is....do you love him?? Does he love you?

This.
Do you spend quality time when you are together?
Not really... he's absorbed by his iPad. We do occasional dates, but only if I make the arrangements.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 13:26     Subject: Re:Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
Anonymous wrote:What's missing from the discussion is....do you love him?? Does he love you?

This.
Do you spend quality time when you are together?
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2016 13:12     Subject: Did you divorce due to spouse's travel?
I'm divorced and remarried. When my ex left, I had 2 kids 6 and 3yo and I was working full time. My ex used to do a lot with the parenting. It was really hard (that was 10 years ago).

There are many, many reasons why divorce sucks (there is a book called Divorce Busters, kind of old, but gives many good reasons not to divorce), but if you have kids and can figure out how to live peacefully together, I would try to stay married.