Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband is far from abusive or controlling. I just honestly want to protect him from upset feelings and unnecessary jealousy. Also,
We're super busy. I want to focus our time together on stuff that really matters or just having fun, not something like this. So I'm not
Going to mention it to him.

You're making him sound worse. And yourself for that matter.

No. She sounds totally reasonable and normal.

Do you get satisfaction out of trying to spread discontent and distrust among happier, more sensible, people?

She's decided to keep something a secret, because her husband has such jealousy and emotional issues as to get majorly upset about unwanted flowers. Either he has a few screws loose, or she does, but if you can't see that that's completely abnormal to have to hide things to avoid your spouse, you clearly have problems too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband is far from abusive or controlling. I just honestly want to protect him from upset feelings and unnecessary jealousy. Also,
We're super busy. I want to focus our time together on stuff that really matters or just having fun, not something like this. So I'm not
Going to mention it to him.

You're making him sound worse. And yourself for that matter.

No. She sounds totally reasonable and normal.

Do you get satisfaction out of trying to spread discontent and distrust among happier, more sensible, people?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband is far from abusive or controlling. I just honestly want to protect him from upset feelings and unnecessary jealousy. Also,
We're super busy. I want to focus our time together on stuff that really matters or just having fun, not something like this. So I'm not
Going to mention it to him.

You're making him sound worse. And yourself for that matter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are nuts. I have a great, stable, loving relationship with my fiancé and I also would pause when thinking about telling him. I'm not jealous of his ex but I certainly don't want her sending him flowers, even though I trust him completely and have never, ever suspected he would ever cheat. Geez people, OP doesn't need therapy because she doesn't want to upset or create unnecessary drama.

Anyway OP, I have an ex who occasionally will text me or send me a picture out of the blue. We have been broken up for years. I ignore every single text--zero response whatsoever--yet he still occasionally does this. So I can relate. Ignoring is the best way to go. I used to respond and he would always misconstrue things.

I wouldn't tell your husband if you don't want to. You're not hiding anything bad, I understand that you just don't want to create any drama. Treat it like a text. Get rid of them and forget it even happened.

There is a problem if telling him would create drama.

OP is dreading dealing with the fall out that's an issue. No healthy and emotionally stable adult would react in anyway to an ex sending unwanted flowers with jealousy or drama, or anything that resembles a fall out.

There is a problem when a person in a relationship avoids telling their partner things to prevent drama or fall out that points to emotional abuse.

Emotional abusers can be very nice and charming until their not. You get used to avoiding telling them things and walking on eggshells so it becomes normal to you and you soothe yourself with " He's so sweet every other time."

This kind of thing intensifies over time.

IF you think this is normal you should reconsider marrying your fiance and just like OP should, you should consider therapy.

You're out of your mind. Seriously delusional. Not wanting a weird conversation is not emotional abuse, FFS. Get a grip!

+1

NP here.

Just responding to say that you are not alone in thinking that people (or perhaps one person) are overreacting to not wanting to mention something like this to your husband. Not really wanting to get into awkward conversation doesn't mean that you are abused or your husband is a monster.

There are clearly many lonely, dramatic nutters on here.

Yeah it appears OP's husband is the dramatic nutter. Again, she didn't say awkward. She said he would freak out and cause drama.

Anonymous wrote:What did the note with the flowers say?

There was no note. I asked if they were sent by my husband and the person delivering flowers read out my ex's name.

OP here. My husband is far from abusive or controlling. I just honestly want to protect him from upset feelings and unnecessary jealousy. Also,
We're super busy. I want to focus our time together on stuff that really matters or just having fun, not something like this. So I'm not
Going to mention it to him.

What did the note with the flowers say?

If the ex knows that you are already married, just ignore him completely. Either he is an extraordinarily naive man, or he is testing you.

If he somehow doesn't know that you are married, I suppose you could politely say "thanks" and tell him that you are married. But unless he's been overseas, or super incredibly busy, I doubt he doesn't already know.

I think conversations about the appropriateness or danger of her husband's reaction depends on how long OP has been married and the nature of the break up with the ex.

I have one ex with whom the break up was not related to a falling out between us - he was moving out of the country and I was not willing to go with him, so we broke up. I met my husband a few months post-break up. Had my ex sent me birthday flowers early in my relationship with H, H would totally have been jealous. Given the non-event that the flowers would be, telling him would've been needless drama.

I don't know the OP's husband. What I do know is that the ex needs to be told, clearly, not to contact the OP. "Phil, I received your flowers. I understand that you were trying to be kind, but it is not appropriate. Please do not contact me again." Then later, OP can tell her H, "H, Phil sent flowers to my office for my birthday. I told him that it was not appropriate and not to contact me again and got rid of the flowers, but I wanted to let you know that it had happened in case he does not respect my wishes."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are nuts. I have a great, stable, loving relationship with my fiancé and I also would pause when thinking about telling him. I'm not jealous of his ex but I certainly don't want her sending him flowers, even though I trust him completely and have never, ever suspected he would ever cheat. Geez people, OP doesn't need therapy because she doesn't want to upset or create unnecessary drama.

Anyway OP, I have an ex who occasionally will text me or send me a picture out of the blue. We have been broken up for years. I ignore every single text--zero response whatsoever--yet he still occasionally does this. So I can relate. Ignoring is the best way to go. I used to respond and he would always misconstrue things.

I wouldn't tell your husband if you don't want to. You're not hiding anything bad, I understand that you just don't want to create any drama. Treat it like a text. Get rid of them and forget it even happened.

There is a problem if telling him would create drama.

OP is dreading dealing with the fall out that's an issue. No healthy and emotionally stable adult would react in anyway to an ex sending unwanted flowers with jealousy or drama, or anything that resembles a fall out.

There is a problem when a person in a relationship avoids telling their partner things to prevent drama or fall out that points to emotional abuse.

Emotional abusers can be very nice and charming until their not. You get used to avoiding telling them things and walking on eggshells so it becomes normal to you and you soothe yourself with " He's so sweet every other time."

This kind of thing intensifies over time.

IF you think this is normal you should reconsider marrying your fiance and just like OP should, you should consider therapy.

You're out of your mind. Seriously delusional. Not wanting a weird conversation is not emotional abuse, FFS. Get a grip!

+1

NP here.

Just responding to say that you are not alone in thinking that people (or perhaps one person) are overreacting to not wanting to mention something like this to your husband. Not really wanting to get into awkward conversation doesn't mean that you are abused or your husband is a monster.

There are clearly many lonely, dramatic nutters on here.

Wow! I usually get an email from my ex on my birthday, and I do the same. My DH knows that I exchange emails annually, but it really does not faze him. If I would have received the flowers I would have written something like this (and my husband would have been fine).

"Hey Will,

Got the birthday flowers you sent today and it did make me smile! Thank you so much for remembering. How are the kids and Kate? I hope all of you are doing well and thriving.

Paul surprised me with a couple's weekend at my favorite B&B for my birthday and I have to say it was great to not have the kids with us. The joy pf growing older and being able to leave the kids home alone.

Take care. Thanks for the flowers once again.

Warmly,

Joanne "

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really alarming that you are dreading fall out from your husband from telling him about this.

That is not normal at all.


I think you should consider therapy because it seems you have a pattern of choosing unstable men.

+1.

Either your husband is a lunatic or you're leaving something out, like your history of cheating.

I think some people are reading way too much into this. I think you would all be lying if you flipped it around...would you be totally cool with an ex sending gifts to your current husband/partner? Sure, maybe you wouldn't have a big blowout or feel threatened, but if it would cause uncomfortable feelings, you are kidding yourselves. It does not mean there is one single thing wrong in your relationship. It simply is human nature that nobody wants their husband': ex sending them gifts. That's. It. Nothing. More. So it would be completely understandable that OP does not want her husband to feel anything uncomfortable for no reason.

I've had that happen.
I've had an ex send my husband love notes. My reaction ? I laughed it about it with him.
I was not bothered.
Also uncomfortable feelings is far different from being worried about fall out .

OP, did you reach a decision?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People on this thread are nuts. I have a great, stable, loving relationship with my fiancé and I also would pause when thinking about telling him. I'm not jealous of his ex but I certainly don't want her sending him flowers, even though I trust him completely and have never, ever suspected he would ever cheat. Geez people, OP doesn't need therapy because she doesn't want to upset or create unnecessary drama.

Anyway OP, I have an ex who occasionally will text me or send me a picture out of the blue. We have been broken up for years. I ignore every single text--zero response whatsoever--yet he still occasionally does this. So I can relate. Ignoring is the best way to go. I used to respond and he would always misconstrue things.

I wouldn't tell your husband if you don't want to. You're not hiding anything bad, I understand that you just don't want to create any drama. Treat it like a text. Get rid of them and forget it even happened.

There is a problem if telling him would create drama.

OP is dreading dealing with the fall out that's an issue. No healthy and emotionally stable adult would react in anyway to an ex sending unwanted flowers with jealousy or drama, or anything that resembles a fall out.

There is a problem when a person in a relationship avoids telling their partner things to prevent drama or fall out that points to emotional abuse.

Emotional abusers can be very nice and charming until their not. You get used to avoiding telling them things and walking on eggshells so it becomes normal to you and you soothe yourself with " He's so sweet every other time."

This kind of thing intensifies over time.

IF you think this is normal you should reconsider marrying your fiance and just like OP should, you should consider therapy.

You're out of your mind. Seriously delusional. Not wanting a weird conversation is not emotional abuse, FFS. Get a grip!

Someone who resorts to name calling and aggressive replies because they don't agree with someone is not a good judge of emotional abuse.

Also a weird conversation does not equal jealousy, fall out, and dreading speaking to SO for fear of upsetting them and causing drama.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really alarming that you are dreading fall out from your husband from telling him about this.

That is not normal at all.


I think you should consider therapy because it seems you have a pattern of choosing unstable men.

+1.

Either your husband is a lunatic or you're leaving something out, like your history of cheating.

I think some people are reading way too much into this. I think you would all be lying if you flipped it around...would you be totally cool with an ex sending gifts to your current husband/partner? Sure, maybe you wouldn't have a big blowout or feel threatened, but if it would cause uncomfortable feelings, you are kidding yourselves. It does not mean there is one single thing wrong in your relationship. It simply is human nature that nobody wants their husband': ex sending them gifts. That's. It. Nothing. More. So it would be completely understandable that OP does not want her husband to feel anything uncomfortable for no reason.

She didn't say it would be uncomfortable. She said he would be so upset and it would cause so much fall out she doesn't want to tell him. NOT NORMAL no matter how you try to justify it.