I'm the OP. Thank you to all the lovely posters who read my vent and shared nice, supportive thoughts. It was really helpful!

I'm doing much better today. Like I said, I never planned to "wallow." I had a couple drinks last night and jumped into bed with DH.

He has not at all been mistreated for all of you so concerned about his feelings during my intense loss.

I put on my wife's big girl panties when I want her to STFU and grow a pair.

My husband wants very much to "fix" things when I am sad - it's been a process for him to realize that: a) that's not always possible and b) you can be supportive without fixing things. As great as it is to have someone just read your mind you really do need to ask for what you want. Good luck to you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Pull up your big girl panties and be an adult. Not all husbands or wife's are good at dealing with this type of situation. Be thankful for what you do have.

PLEASE STOP WITH THE "BIG GIRL PANTIES"!!! It's so asinine. OP is an adult. She is allowed to have feelings about how her husband reacts in an unhelpful way when she is sad.

(And it's "wives" not "wife's.")

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have used my words. He's just uncomfortable seeing me sad. I am usually the strong, calm one in the relationship. Mid-hug he'll come up with some "solution" or fun thing coming up in the future. He just wants me to snap back into happy and is upset that I am not.

I'll just swallow my emotion and be back to happy wife by the time he gets home tonight. I just wish for once he could be the strong one that I could cry on.

OP, you just have to risk it and cry on him even if you think it is going to make him uncomfortable. It is so so hard, I know. You don't want to make him uncomfortable, he wants to FIX things because he loves you. But you have to take that leap of faith and believe that he is there for you to cry on, that he CAN handle it, that is IS mature enough to just give you a hug and empathize with you (but, as all the PPs have said, you have to tell him that). If he tries to fix things, interrupt him and say no thank you, just a hug, please, just give me 10 minutes to cry on you. He will be uncomfortable. He won't know what to do. He'll think he has to do something. That's OK. His discomfort is his thing. But since he loves you, he'll try.

Do NOT just swallow your emotion. It does not work. It will never work.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have used my words. He's just uncomfortable seeing me sad. I am usually the strong, calm one in the relationship. Mid-hug he'll come up with some "solution" or fun thing coming up in the future. He just wants me to snap back into happy and is upset that I am not.

I'll just swallow my emotion and be back to happy wife by the time he gets home tonight. I just wish for once he could be the strong one that I could cry on.

Tell him this! "Hug me, and keep your mouth shut! Go do something useful around the house if you have to do something to make things 'better'."

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually asked, calmly, for cuddles and hugs? I j is you're sad. But everyone deals with sadness and emotions in different ways, or may need different things at different times.

DH by nature is a fixer, and will try to fix my grief, sadness, frustration, etc. So I used my words one day and TOLD HIM "when I am sad, please don't offer me solutions. Please just hold me." If I'm feeling overwhelmed and need a hug, I ASK for what I need, and he is only more than happy to oblige.

He's not sure what will fix it for you, so he's just trying to. Use your words and tell him what you need, without pushing him away and being angry and frustrated that he is both trying to help and not a mind reader.

+1

"Honey, I just need a hug and some time to feel sad about this. There's nothing you can really do to 'fix' it until I work through my emotions. Thank you for lightening my load by bringing home dinner. Anything else practical you can do like that will I take some time to process would be greatly appreciated."

Anonymous wrote:Pull up your big girl panties and be an adult. Not all husbands or wife's are good at dealing with this type of situation. Be thankful for what you do have.

Always good advice. I'm going to apply it to my own f'd up situation.