Anonymous
07/26/2016 12:24
Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote: answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.
As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.
I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.
This is a marriage where both parties realize what a marriage means. I think a lot of people are looking for self gratification and don't realize the hard work that needs to happen when times are tough.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 12:17
Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.
As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.
I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.
As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.
I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 11:53
Subject: Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Another staying for the kids. Not sure yet how it's working out. I'm trying to focus on not engaging with his fighting and just responding very rationally, or with "That's not an appropriate way to speak to a family member." or something like that, so that the kids at least grow up knowing that screaming at people is not appropriate.
Sadly, even though I think he's a jerk, my kids really like him, and would be really bummed to have to split their time between us. Plus, given the number of kids we have, and some other issues, it would be logistically extremely difficult to have a one parent household (absent a Katie Holmes type divorce settlement, which isn't in the cards).
I don't think there are easy answers, and everyone needs to weigh the pros and cons for themselves and their kids.
Sadly, even though I think he's a jerk, my kids really like him, and would be really bummed to have to split their time between us. Plus, given the number of kids we have, and some other issues, it would be logistically extremely difficult to have a one parent household (absent a Katie Holmes type divorce settlement, which isn't in the cards).
I don't think there are easy answers, and everyone needs to weigh the pros and cons for themselves and their kids.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 11:27
Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.
He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.
It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)
This is me as well. I have filed for divorce but will wait for him to move out as long as I can stick it out. The affair didn't kill our marriage but all of the lying did afterwards. I really think it depends on the situation if a divorce is best for the kids. Mine are 12 and 15 and are very close to their dad. They will suffer emotionally and financially with a divorce. They are both gone this week to camp and I miss them terribly. I can't even imagine not being a part of their daily lives from here on out due to my husbands selfishness. Ultimately, we will divorce but I am trying to buy them time. I always here that the kids want to see their parents happy and think that is a crock of shit. As long as there is no major tension or fighting, they would rather not have their lives in total upheaval going from home to home. I would choose my kids happiness over mine any day
I also have a major extenuating circumstances as why I do stay. The married affair partner had a child with my husband. The OW is now suing my husband for child support and revoking her husbands legal paternity. If she wins, my husband will pay a shit ton in child support and have some custody of the child. This will cause my kids even more trauma and I would rather they are at least in the house with both parents if this kid is introduced into their lives so they can adjust to the situation with both of our support.
Yes, for now, I will stay for my kids but planning my exit.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 11:24
Subject: Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
OP, if there is a way you can work to curb the fighting and mutual resentment, you can probably make it worthwhile.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 11:20
Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.
He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.
It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)
I don't know the actual study, but these:
http://news.healingwell.com/index.php?p=news1&id=530961
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/200911/divorce-doesnt-harm-children-parents-fighting-harms-child
You live in my marriage, as well.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 11:00
Subject: Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was staying for the kids for a while. But then the marriage got better. I was really staying for myself, of course, because divorce with kids would be so unpleasant for me. So not really for the kids but because of them.
I only did it because I have divorcedemi parents and I know how much it complicates everything for decades. If I didn't know that I probably would have divorced. But I'm glad I didnt. Things aren't perfect, but we really did just ride the worst of it out.
I hear this all the time. Raising my hand as another one riding it out in hopes that it gets better.
We are riding it out and things are getting a little better. I tell myself that delaying the divorce is helping financially even if it isn't making me happier. And delaying the kids changing schools. Honestly, DH's parents are divorced and it has helped for him to see how much more work and cost it is for us to care for them separately has been a reality check.
OP, do the counseling. I know it's hard but it really helped us.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 10:57
Subject: Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do this is if you stop fighting.
And if you stop fighting, who know, maybe your relationship will change.
So the net time something pops up that bugs you, let it go. Just let it go. Don't fight. It takes two people to fight. Start disengaging. You are thinking of divorcing. So why does it matter? Whatever petty thing you are fighting about, why does it matter?
if nothing else, starting to disengage now - letting go of frustration, anger, expectations - will help you as you divorce, because if nothing else you want an amicable divorce.
So just start today. No more fighting. he doesn't do something he said he would? Oh well, you knew he wouldn't, so why get upset? Just suck it up and do it yourself. He comes at you about something you did/didn't do? Who cares? Let it go.
Try it for one week. See how that changes things.
+1.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 10:46
Subject: Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
The only way you can do this is if you stop fighting.
And if you stop fighting, who know, maybe your relationship will change.
So the net time something pops up that bugs you, let it go. Just let it go. Don't fight. It takes two people to fight. Start disengaging. You are thinking of divorcing. So why does it matter? Whatever petty thing you are fighting about, why does it matter?
if nothing else, starting to disengage now - letting go of frustration, anger, expectations - will help you as you divorce, because if nothing else you want an amicable divorce.
So just start today. No more fighting. he doesn't do something he said he would? Oh well, you knew he wouldn't, so why get upset? Just suck it up and do it yourself. He comes at you about something you did/didn't do? Who cares? Let it go.
Try it for one week. See how that changes things.
And if you stop fighting, who know, maybe your relationship will change.
So the net time something pops up that bugs you, let it go. Just let it go. Don't fight. It takes two people to fight. Start disengaging. You are thinking of divorcing. So why does it matter? Whatever petty thing you are fighting about, why does it matter?
if nothing else, starting to disengage now - letting go of frustration, anger, expectations - will help you as you divorce, because if nothing else you want an amicable divorce.
So just start today. No more fighting. he doesn't do something he said he would? Oh well, you knew he wouldn't, so why get upset? Just suck it up and do it yourself. He comes at you about something you did/didn't do? Who cares? Let it go.
Try it for one week. See how that changes things.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 10:40
Subject: Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote:I was staying for the kids for a while. But then the marriage got better. I was really staying for myself, of course, because divorce with kids would be so unpleasant for me. So not really for the kids but because of them.
I only did it because I have divorcedemi parents and I know how much it complicates everything for decades. If I didn't know that I probably would have divorced. But I'm glad I didnt. Things aren't perfect, but we really did just ride the worst of it out.
I hear this all the time. Raising my hand as another one riding it out in hopes that it gets better.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 10:34
Subject: Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
I would seriously try to work on your marriage. I wanted a divorce too when my youngest was 2. She is 4 now and I am starting to feel better. You need to change the way you look at your spouse. Start thinking about your daily purpose to help make him and your children better people. Make it your job (in addition to all your other jobs). Try to hug him or give him one bit of love you might like to have. Try to reconnect one small move at a time. 75% of the time the grass is not greener. Try to grow your own right where you are.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 10:05
Subject: Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Interesting. We got divorced FOR the kids. The older ones were very relieved and the younger ones behavior got much better within a week. Staying together was not doing the kids any favors.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 09:57
Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am "staying for the kids"... but we don't fight. We have no problems co-parenting, running a house together. We love each other and treat each other with respect.
He had an affair, I tried to "work on the marriage" (which is a crock, since there was nothing wrong with the marriage). He had another affair, I was done.
It is better to divorce if you fight, it is worse to divorce if you don't fight. (I would link to the study but am in a hurry right now.)
It's hard to believe there was nothing wrong with the marriage if he had two affairs. Yes, maybe he just wanted to get blown or whatever on the side, but somewhere there was some unhappiness. Affairs usually, I'd say almost always, result from some needs not being met. In that case, something is wrong with the marriage
He was sexually molested as a child and acts out by self destructive sexual relationships. So no... it is not always the marriage.
Anonymous
07/26/2016 09:32
Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your dress size is irrelevant.
I disagree. It shows she has at least put some effort into keeping the marriage alive.
And that she has plenty of options post divorce.
Women always have options
Anonymous
07/26/2016 09:31
Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully stayed married just for the kids? Is this a good idea?
Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids too and things were really bad when the kids were younger. Now the youngest is 7 and we are like newly weds because we chose to work on our marriage. Please fight for your love and make a happy family again. It is in your hands
+1000