Anonymous
07/24/2016 12:09
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She's very into the idea that this baby will look like her. I look like her, and this baby is a girl, and she's excited about having another clone. This would be her only genetic grandchild (the rest are step -- I am her biological daughter) and she's excited about that.
I don't actually mind if what I say in fact answers the question -- I don't want to talk about it or deal with her feelings on the matter right now. I will honestly be a little angry if she cares so much what this baby looks like rather than just being super happy for me that I'm finally getting a baby. But I know it's reasonable for her to have her own feelings about it. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet.
But, if that is the case, you are just plain deceiving her and raising her hopes for nothing. This will not be her only genetic grandchild. You are not protecting her, you are plain laying. Better to tell her now, so she can stop obsessing over genetics and get used to the idea. If she can't, her loss.
+1
Anonymous
07/24/2016 11:51
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:Same pp as above. Just wanted to add, that if you don't want to tell, that is fine, but then the decision I would make is not to tell anybody at all. Not to tell down the road... ever. My own mom and FIL have never, ever been able to keep anything to themselves, literary, the whole world knows by the end of the day, so in my case, knowing them, I would either opt for telling everybody or most likely never telling at all.
Not as above, as one post above.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 11:50
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Same pp as above. Just wanted to add, that if you don't want to tell, that is fine, but then the decision I would make is not to tell anybody at all. Not to tell down the road... ever. My own mom and FIL have never, ever been able to keep anything to themselves, literary, the whole world knows by the end of the day, so in my case, knowing them, I would either opt for telling everybody or most likely never telling at all.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 11:47
Subject: Re:Telling mom I used donor egg
I would plan to tell her and outline exactly as you did here - please do not share outside of the immediate family. I understand this may not be what you hoped, but I hope that by telling you now, when the baby arrives you will be excited.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 11:46
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:She's very into the idea that this baby will look like her. I look like her, and this baby is a girl, and she's excited about having another clone. This would be her only genetic grandchild (the rest are step -- I am her biological daughter) and she's excited about that.
I don't actually mind if what I say in fact answers the question -- I don't want to talk about it or deal with her feelings on the matter right now. I will honestly be a little angry if she cares so much what this baby looks like rather than just being super happy for me that I'm finally getting a baby. But I know it's reasonable for her to have her own feelings about it. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet.
But, if that is the case, you are just plain deceiving her and raising her hopes for nothing. This will not be her only genetic grandchild. You are not protecting her, you are plain laying. Better to tell her now, so she can stop obsessing over genetics and get used to the idea. If she can't, her loss.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 11:44
Subject: Re:Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:DE mom here: People were very pushy about asking. is it is it? I really want to know! I had had enough people in my business throughout the infertility process. I protected my privacy. And those people who "needed to know...?" We moved to a better school system and I never saw them much after that. It was just gossip to them. I know this is your mom, but once you tell someone, you have told everyone. My pregnancy was nerve wracking after so many m/c and the last thing I needed was the neighborhood gossip or a mom who did not understand. My twins are in MS now and I am very glad that it is not public knowledge -- just another thing to deal with.
+1 to all this but especially the bold. I wouldn't tell your mother, at least not now, if you hope to be able to preserve your child's privacy (i.e., tell your child first and then let him/her decide). Once you tell your mother, it's game over.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 11:36
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP again. As I read these suggestions, I'm also realizing that I'm concerned she will tell people. I plan to tell only a small group of people -- I am going to let everyone else assume it's my egg (I'm youngish) until the child is old enough to start telling people herself, if she chooses to. My mom has no filter or discretion. If she's thinking about something, she says it. Which means everyone in my hometown and extended family and every person she sits next to on a plane will know my business. I always dislike that, but it is particularly bothersome to me when it's about something that I feel strong emotions about, like this.
I probably should not have told her donor egg was an option since I don't actually trust how she will deal with the news, but that ship has already sailed.
Does your mom live locally? It sounds like she's far away and you have limited contact with extended family. Blabbing relatives 5 years from now and your child overhears it? I'd keep it private between yourself and partner/DH.
She's going to tell the child which is the right decision. Genetically the child needs to know her health history is only half her parents history.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 11:21
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:OP again. As I read these suggestions, I'm also realizing that I'm concerned she will tell people. I plan to tell only a small group of people -- I am going to let everyone else assume it's my egg (I'm youngish) until the child is old enough to start telling people herself, if she chooses to. My mom has no filter or discretion. If she's thinking about something, she says it. Which means everyone in my hometown and extended family and every person she sits next to on a plane will know my business. I always dislike that, but it is particularly bothersome to me when it's about something that I feel strong emotions about, like this.
I probably should not have told her donor egg was an option since I don't actually trust how she will deal with the news, but that ship has already sailed.
Does your mom live locally? It sounds like she's far away and you have limited contact with extended family. Blabbing relatives 5 years from now and your child overhears it? I'd keep it private between yourself and partner/DH.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 10:27
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
genetics are over rated
Anonymous
07/24/2016 10:26
Subject: Re:Telling mom I used donor egg
waa, waa, waa -- granny did not get the clone she wanted. 
Anonymous
07/24/2016 10:26
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:The grandmother didn't make the decision here. She is practically pushed into the role of loving grandmother by her daughters decision. Why do you think men feel uncomfortable using a sperm donor? Why does op have to come to term with using an egg donor? Because it is not natural and very difficult. And you push this coming to term with o to someone who didn't even have a vote.
It is ignorant opinions like this one that make me keep my news to myself.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 09:58
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
The grandmother didn't make the decision here. She is practically pushed into the role of loving grandmother by her daughters decision. Why do you think men feel uncomfortable using a sperm donor? Why does op have to come to term with using an egg donor? Because it is not natural and very difficult. And you push this coming to term with o to someone who didn't even have a vote.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 09:50
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.
You are a horrible person.
Why doesn't she have the right to that feeling?
It is not her biological grand child. you can't force love.
I am sure the mother supports her daughter but if she doesn't love the child as her own you can't force that, can you?
Really that is awful. I suppose if knowing it's a donor egg would make the Op's mom love the baby less - it is better to find that out now. Op would then have plenty of time to place distance between herself and that so called "grandmother".
It is not her biological grandchild. You can't force a grandparent to adopt a grandchild other than falling in love.
It may happen or not.
Better to know now and cut that person out. They don't deserve the honor of being called "grandma," by anyone, ever.
Anonymous
07/24/2016 09:48
Subject: Telling mom I used donor egg
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.
You are a horrible person.
Why doesn't she have the right to that feeling?
It is not her biological grand child. you can't force love.
I am sure the mother supports her daughter but if she doesn't love the child as her own you can't force that, can you?
People do have a right to their horrible, myopic feelings. You are right about that. NP
Anonymous
07/24/2016 09:39
Subject: Re:Telling mom I used donor egg
I think you should tell her earlier rather than later, with as little drama as possible. Don't get into a situation where it becomes something she thinks you have covered up. She will have feelings and she will have to deal with them but you can model your own complete love and acceptance of this child. It will only get weird if it becomes a lie.