Quality time together is important. So is laughter. So sounds like you have some things going for you two. Forgive, let go of past hurts, continue to identify and meet each other's needs, and you can make it. Working on yourself is always beneficial. I wish you well.

OP here. A few things ... First of all, the home life is not as toxic to the kids as many of you think. We have always presented a loving, unified household to them. We eat as a family almost every night. A lot of laughing. Quality time. Big, loving extended families. The hurts and resentment I believe have been withheld from them to a large extent. I agree that kids pick up way more than adults realize, but there is no way that they would be anything other than decimated, crushed, blind-sided and damaged for years, if our family unit dissolved. We had a good long talk the other night. I don't know what the future holds, but I feel better about it now than I did six months ago, mainly because I feel a lot better about myself. That has to project outward. I hope she notices and appreciates it. I saw a good quote from noted marriage expert (and vehement opponent of divorce) Michele Weiner-Davis: "If you divorce, it will take lots of work to make your life happy again. Instead, why not put that energy into keeping your family together?"

And we all know it's true*^^ but we fight for control that never really comes.

Jesus says "you must lose your life to save it"

Good for you, OP. I hope you can work it out with your wife, too.

Taking care of yourself is essential in any successful relationship. As long as you also work on the relationship as well.

A divorced home is never ideal for young children but it is the preferable option than living in a toxic household where no parental love exists.

You go boy!

Anonymous wrote:Op why were you guys sexless before the affair? Maybe she just wanted sex.

So true. My affair was about attention and sex. I needed to be f$cked. DH seems unable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you would be doing irreparable harm by staying in a miserable marriage for the sake of your children.

How so??

It won't matter that they never see or hear you & your wife argue.
Kids are super smart as well as intuitive and will know you and their mom are not happy living together.
And they will have a horrible model to refer to as to what a happy marriage looks like.

In turn, when they are adults they may continue this unhealthy pattern thinking showing no genuine affection is what people in normal marriages do.

You would be living a daily lie in front of them and that is the worst example you can set for them as a parent.

Trust me.....

+ 100000

And divorce / split house is sooo much better for them right
You only get to model your brilliant bright shiny new self to your kids 50% of the time - do they want that ?
Plus kids might end up in step family. Do they want that ?
I'm all for leaving a bad marriage if it's genuinely shitty. But don't project your own desires
And use your kids happiness as reason for doing it.

Plus kids from divorced families are more likely to divorce as well
Which makes me wonder what is being modellef ? Giving up ??

Anonymous wrote:OP you would be doing irreparable harm by staying in a miserable marriage for the sake of your children.

How so??

It won't matter that they never see or hear you & your wife argue.
Kids are super smart as well as intuitive and will know you and their mom are not happy living together.
And they will have a horrible model to refer to as to what a happy marriage looks like.

In turn, when they are adults they may continue this unhealthy pattern thinking showing no genuine affection is what people in normal marriages do.

You would be living a daily lie in front of them and that is the worst example you can set for them as a parent.

Trust me.....

+ 100000

OP you would be doing irreparable harm by staying in a miserable marriage for the sake of your children.

How so??

It won't matter that they never see or hear you & your wife argue.
Kids are super smart as well as intuitive and will know you and their mom are not happy living together.
And they will have a horrible model to refer to as to what a happy marriage looks like.

In turn, when they are adults they may continue this unhealthy pattern thinking showing no genuine affection is what people in normal marriages do.

You would be living a daily lie in front of them and that is the worst example you can set for them as a parent.

Trust me.....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of you know my kids or our day-to-day... There is no possible way our kids would be better off with us split. Whatever flaws in our marriage to this point, we have protected our kids from that. No loud arguments, screaming, etc., though come to think of it that avoidance of conflict has been one of the big issues. But the kids have a nurturing, loving, supportive home and are thriving. I will sacrifice much to give them that for the foreseeable future

OP you aren't alone in this. We also have a stable home for our kids, but are kind of a marital train wreck (yes, an affair). Also partly due to avoidance of conflict. Good luck.

PP, thanks. How long ago was the affair uncovered, and has your relationship improved, or are you two just coexisting? Good luck to you as well.

I'm not sure I can answer that definitively. We are definitely much much better. Communication is much better. But sometimes it feels I am just waiting it out. The affair was uncovered about 2 years ago now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of you know my kids or our day-to-day... There is no possible way our kids would be better off with us split. Whatever flaws in our marriage to this point, we have protected our kids from that. No loud arguments, screaming, etc., though come to think of it that avoidance of conflict has been one of the big issues. But the kids have a nurturing, loving, supportive home and are thriving. I will sacrifice much to give them that for the foreseeable future

OP you aren't alone in this. We also have a stable home for our kids, but are kind of a marital train wreck (yes, an affair). Also partly due to avoidance of conflict. Good luck.

PP, thanks. How long ago was the affair uncovered, and has your relationship improved, or are you two just coexisting? Good luck to you as well.