Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

Anonymous wrote:ps, I should say that I didn't know anything about bat mitzvahs when my daughter joined a fancy private school and was invited to gobs. I was totally traumatized when we got the first invite. give money in amounts of $18!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was invited to her first bar mitzvah recently. I knew the party invitation was only for her but was unclear whether a parent should attend the service with her. It was very helpful to get a follow-up note from the parents, sent to all the boy's friends, explaining when and where to drop off (for both service and party), what they should wear, etc. And that would also make it more clear that the invite was for the kids, not for their parents.

I don't understand this. Why would it be unclear if a parent should come? The parent was not invited. The child was invited. Presumably your child is over the age of three and can handle a drop-off. So why in any way would you think you should attend if you weren't invited?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

OP, my child was recently invited to a bar mitzvah, this was only my second one. The way the invitation was worded i assumed too we were invited to the party. I rsvp'd my child +1, my husband would go. I received an email from the mom uninviting us. We thought we were being nice by having at least one of us attend. We're not familiar with the tradition - the first one my child attended, he went to the ceremony and party. He was asked why had we not come to the party, so I decided to be cautious with our second invite and rsvp'd for one of us to go. I was really put off when the mother emailed and uninvited us, both my husband and I thought the invites were not clear we were not to attend.


We are on our 6th invites so far this year. It's been a breeze to just put some cash in an envelop and send my kid off for the day or most of it. Strangely, the above kid is one of the least friendly or liked in a group of popular kids. He has a reputation for being somewhat of a bully, he is always looking for weaknesses in other kids to pick on. Needless to say, I will be less likely now to encourage my kid to socialize with this kid outside of school as they've done on occasions.

Anonymous wrote:

The way the invitation was worded i assumed too we were invited to the party. I rsvp'd my child +1, my husband would go. I received an email from the mom uninviting us. We thought we were being nice by having at least one of us attend. We're not familiar with the tradition - the first one my child attended, he went to the ceremony and party. He was asked why had we not come to the party, so I decided to be cautious with our second invite and rsvp'd for one of us to go. I was really put off when the mother emailed and uninvited us, both my husband and I thought the invites were not clear we were not to attend.

She didn't "uninvite" you! You assumed you were invited in the first instance, but you weren't. The OP of this post is being extremely kind and gracious, which is awesome, but it would also be socially acceptable to contact the parent and clear up the misunderstanding.

The way the invitation was worded i assumed too we were invited to the party. I rsvp'd my child +1, my husband would go. I received an email from the mom uninviting us. We thought we were being nice by having at least one of us attend. We're not familiar with the tradition - the first one my child attended, he went to the ceremony and party. He was asked why had we not come to the party, so I decided to be cautious with our second invite and rsvp'd for one of us to go. I was really put off when the mother emailed and uninvited us, both my husband and I thought the invites were not clear we were not to attend.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!