Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stand by your kids. When another parent calls you and accuses your kid of something, and you don't have the facts, (yes this is a common helicopter parent practice, to sort out every little trouble for their teen,) you take your kid's side. Never put your kids down in front of anybody. If you think/know your kid to be in the wrong, discuss that privately with your kid. Make sure not to be a friend, but don't lash out at your kids if they tell you something, even if it is bad. Then they will never tell you anything even if they need help. Respect goes both ways, I believe, unless you have a major problem teen. I tell my kids, I trust them, and that they should trust me and that I will always be on their side and by their side when they need me. But, I can be very strict as well. It is not the fear like 20 years ago that keeps kids from doing "bad" things, I think it is the fear of losing respect and they might say what they like but they want us to be proud of them.

I think this is somewhat true, but I would say remain neutral. Don't automatically discipline them for doing something wrong of course without all the facts, but don't also assume they've done no wrong. I can't tell you the number of times I've heard stories of parents completely ignoring, blowing off or disbelieving something that another parent is trying to alert them to about their DC because their little snowflake can do no wrong. It's turning a blind eye to something that requires parenting. So more taking the neutral course until you find out all the details.

+1. If your kid is repeatedly accused of being a bully, don't take your kids' side the 9th time there is an accusation but you "don't have the facts." You have to demonstrate in front of your kids that you also will not tolerate that kind of behavior, period, and that it is wrong no matter who is doing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typical good parenting:

High involvement/warmth with kids, setting appropriate and consistent boundaries, and giving consequences when appropriate.

Actively teach empathy, responsibility, and integrity.

Provide increasing independence/privileges as child demonstrates responsibility.


Talk to kids about sex/drugs/alcohol from an early age. At least by 8. And talk often. Lay out your expectations. Model appropriate behavior.

Understand they "will" make mistakes. But if you've instilled your values/expectations before puberty, they will stay pretty consistent on the right path.

Parents who are too authoritarian or too permissive tend to have the most problems with their teens and young adults. Try to stay in the middle.

I've stayed in the middle, and followed your advice. But mistakes have been made (pregnancy scare for rising FRESHMAN), and I don't know how to move forward.

I wish there was an inject-able male birth control, as I have sons. My son wasn't responsible enough to use his own protection, despite our best efforts.

I'm shocked, sickened, and feel like a failure. I want to go back to toddler problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clear, understandable expectations that are known to the child such as:

*Tell us where you are going, who you are with, and what adult will be supervising

*Curfew is at dinnertime (6:30) unless you get direct permission to miss dinner at least one day in advance.

*Acheive grades of A- (or above)

*We (the parents) should know your friends, their parents, and siblings prior to setting up times (outside of organized activities) to hang out. We have ultimate say in whether we allow you to hang out with them, for how long, and doing what.

Combined with well defined, well known punishment:

*Grounding for between 1 and 5 days for either missing curfew, or not letting us know your plans in a timely manner.

*Removal from house for drug addiction

Also, keeping teens busy is equally important. We (the parents) make our teen's schedule, they can plan around it, but we schedule their days. Our goal is less then 1 hour free time a day, not always possible, but it has worked for us in the past. Sports are great, music, other organized activities. The less free time they have the less time they have to develop a marijuana addiction. Furthermore, friends met during these organized activities are more likely to pass our (the parents) muster then some sleazy, greasy-hair skaterpunk who spends his days just hangin' at the local park.

Another thing is that we have always set a good example. When my oldest (now 22) was born, we stopped drinking alcohol (period). We tried to show our kids (and teens) healthy relationships. We also gave them an in-depth talk about the dangers of addiction, truency, etc very early on.

Our kids hated the rules. Didn't understand why they couldn't just walk to their friends house and hang out all the time without telling me. Or why I insisted on an adult being present all the time. Truth is, as a social worker who works with youth (many of whom abuse drugs and alcohol) I have seen the world and know the dangers more then them. We are in the middle of a marijuana epidemic right now, I would say a vast majority of youth have at the very least experimented with Marijuana (and other drugs), with a good number succumbing to addiction to marijuana.

Ultimately, now that my kids are growing older (22, 20, and 16) they are starting to understand. My 22 year old actually thanked me last time he was home, as we were celebrating him getting his first professional job. He said how going to college, and watching so many of his peers struggle with serious physical dependence on marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco showed him how hard it must have been to do the right thing for him, and that he appreciated everything we did for him.

And that's the thing. Its not easy to keep your kids from fucking their lives up. Its changed from when we were kids, when only the absolute trashiest losers did drugs, you would be shocked. Kids with happy, healthy families are smoking weed, shooting dope, drinking booze by the gallon. Kids whose parents have no idea, because they are stuck in the 1980s when smart, well brought up kids simply had no desire to ruin their body with addictive drugs.

Wherever you're getting your information from, it's wrong. Today's teens are less likely than we were to binge drink, smoke or use other addictive substances. They're also less likely to get pregnant or be the victim of a violent crime, BTW.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2016/07/12/study-teens-today-safer-healthier-many-ways/86998566/

https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/high-school-youth-trends

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/02/02/the-kids-are-more-than-all-right/?_r=0

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stand by your kids. When another parent calls you and accuses your kid of something, and you don't have the facts, (yes this is a common helicopter parent practice, to sort out every little trouble for their teen,) you take your kid's side. Never put your kids down in front of anybody. If you think/know your kid to be in the wrong, discuss that privately with your kid. Make sure not to be a friend, but don't lash out at your kids if they tell you something, even if it is bad. Then they will never tell you anything even if they need help. Respect goes both ways, I believe, unless you have a major problem teen. I tell my kids, I trust them, and that they should trust me and that I will always be on their side and by their side when they need me. But, I can be very strict as well. It is not the fear like 20 years ago that keeps kids from doing "bad" things, I think it is the fear of losing respect and they might say what they like but they want us to be proud of them.

I think this is somewhat true, but I would say remain neutral. Don't automatically discipline them for doing something wrong of course without all the facts, but don't also assume they've done no wrong. I can't tell you the number of times I've heard stories of parents completely ignoring, blowing off or disbelieving something that another parent is trying to alert them to about their DC because their little snowflake can do no wrong. It's turning a blind eye to something that requires parenting. So more taking the neutral course until you find out all the details.

Anonymous wrote:Typical good parenting:

High involvement/warmth with kids, setting appropriate and consistent boundaries, and giving consequences when appropriate.

Actively teach empathy, responsibility, and integrity.

Provide increasing independence/privileges as child demonstrates responsibility.


Talk to kids about sex/drugs/alcohol from an early age. At least by 8. And talk often. Lay out your expectations. Model appropriate behavior.

Understand they "will" make mistakes. But if you've instilled your values/expectations before puberty, they will stay pretty consistent on the right path.

Parents who are too authoritarian or too permissive tend to have the most problems with their teens and young adults. Try to stay in the middle.

Anonymous wrote:Stand by your kids. When another parent calls you and accuses your kid of something, and you don't have the facts, (yes this is a common helicopter parent practice, to sort out every little trouble for their teen,) you take your kid's side. Never put your kids down in front of anybody. If you think/know your kid to be in the wrong, discuss that privately with your kid. Make sure not to be a friend, but don't lash out at your kids if they tell you something, even if it is bad. Then they will never tell you anything even if they need help. Respect goes both ways, I believe, unless you have a major problem teen. I tell my kids, I trust them, and that they should trust me and that I will always be on their side and by their side when they need me. But, I can be very strict as well. It is not the fear like 20 years ago that keeps kids from doing "bad" things, I think it is the fear of losing respect and they might say what they like but they want us to be proud of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clear, understandable expectations that are known to the child such as:

*Tell us where you are going, who you are with, and what adult will be supervising

*Curfew is at dinnertime (6:30) unless you get direct permission to miss dinner at least one day in advance.

*Acheive grades of A- (or above)

*We (the parents) should know your friends, their parents, and siblings prior to setting up times (outside of organized activities) to hang out. We have ultimate say in whether we allow you to hang out with them, for how long, and doing what.

Combined with well defined, well known punishment:

*Grounding for between 1 and 5 days for either missing curfew, or not letting us know your plans in a timely manner.

*Removal from house for drug addiction

Also, keeping teens busy is equally important. We (the parents) make our teen's schedule, they can plan around it, but we schedule their days. Our goal is less then 1 hour free time a day, not always possible, but it has worked for us in the past. Sports are great, music, other organized activities. The less free time they have the less time they have to develop a marijuana addiction. Furthermore, friends met during these organized activities are more likely to pass our (the parents) muster then some sleazy, greasy-hair skaterpunk who spends his days just hangin' at the local park.

Another thing is that we have always set a good example. When my oldest (now 22) was born, we stopped drinking alcohol (period). We tried to show our kids (and teens) healthy relationships. We also gave them an in-depth talk about the dangers of addiction, truency, etc very early on.

Our kids hated the rules. Didn't understand why they couldn't just walk to their friends house and hang out all the time without telling me. Or why I insisted on an adult being present all the time. Truth is, as a social worker who works with youth (many of whom abuse drugs and alcohol) I have seen the world and know the dangers more then them. We are in the middle of a marijuana epidemic right now, I would say a vast majority of youth have at the very least experimented with Marijuana (and other drugs), with a good number succumbing to addiction to marijuana.

Ultimately, now that my kids are growing older (22, 20, and 16) they are starting to understand. My 22 year old actually thanked me last time he was home, as we were celebrating him getting his first professional job. He said how going to college, and watching so many of his peers struggle with serious physical dependence on marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco showed him how hard it must have been to do the right thing for him, and that he appreciated everything we did for him.

And that's the thing. Its not easy to keep your kids from fucking their lives up. Its changed from when we were kids, when only the absolute trashiest losers did drugs, you would be shocked. Kids with happy, healthy families are smoking weed, shooting dope, drinking booze by the gallon. Kids whose parents have no idea, because they are stuck in the 1980s when smart, well brought up kids simply had no desire to ruin their body with addictive drugs.

Seriously crazy parenting way too much control

Not every kid is capable of getting an A- or above in every class. Heck, if a school is at all rigorous, the vast majority of kids aren't capable of this. Having a standard like this can set kids up for failure &/or discourage them from challenging themselves.

And by "removal of the house for drug addiction", did you mean you would send them to rehab to get clean? Or would you just put them out on the streets?

This might be the mom of a teen who wrote that she can't wait to leave home and hates her mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clear, understandable expectations that are known to the child such as:

*Tell us where you are going, who you are with, and what adult will be supervising

*Curfew is at dinnertime (6:30) unless you get direct permission to miss dinner at least one day in advance.

*Acheive grades of A- (or above)

*We (the parents) should know your friends, their parents, and siblings prior to setting up times (outside of organized activities) to hang out. We have ultimate say in whether we allow you to hang out with them, for how long, and doing what.

Combined with well defined, well known punishment:

*Grounding for between 1 and 5 days for either missing curfew, or not letting us know your plans in a timely manner.

*Removal from house for drug addiction

Also, keeping teens busy is equally important. We (the parents) make our teen's schedule, they can plan around it, but we schedule their days. Our goal is less then 1 hour free time a day, not always possible, but it has worked for us in the past. Sports are great, music, other organized activities. The less free time they have the less time they have to develop a marijuana addiction. Furthermore, friends met during these organized activities are more likely to pass our (the parents) muster then some sleazy, greasy-hair skaterpunk who spends his days just hangin' at the local park.

Another thing is that we have always set a good example. When my oldest (now 22) was born, we stopped drinking alcohol (period). We tried to show our kids (and teens) healthy relationships. We also gave them an in-depth talk about the dangers of addiction, truency, etc very early on.

Our kids hated the rules. Didn't understand why they couldn't just walk to their friends house and hang out all the time without telling me. Or why I insisted on an adult being present all the time. Truth is, as a social worker who works with youth (many of whom abuse drugs and alcohol) I have seen the world and know the dangers more then them. We are in the middle of a marijuana epidemic right now, I would say a vast majority of youth have at the very least experimented with Marijuana (and other drugs), with a good number succumbing to addiction to marijuana.

Ultimately, now that my kids are growing older (22, 20, and 16) they are starting to understand. My 22 year old actually thanked me last time he was home, as we were celebrating him getting his first professional job. He said how going to college, and watching so many of his peers struggle with serious physical dependence on marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco showed him how hard it must have been to do the right thing for him, and that he appreciated everything we did for him.

And that's the thing. Its not easy to keep your kids from fucking their lives up. Its changed from when we were kids, when only the absolute trashiest losers did drugs, you would be shocked. Kids with happy, healthy families are smoking weed, shooting dope, drinking booze by the gallon. Kids whose parents have no idea, because they are stuck in the 1980s when smart, well brought up kids simply had no desire to ruin their body with addictive drugs.

Seriously crazy parenting way too much control

Not every kid is capable of getting an A- or above in every class. Heck, if a school is at all rigorous, the vast majority of kids aren't capable of this. Having a standard like this can set kids up for failure &/or discourage them from challenging themselves.

And by "removal of the house for drug addiction", did you mean you would send them to rehab to get clean? Or would you just put them out on the streets?

This might be the mom of a teen who wrote that she can't wait to leave home and hates her mom.

Anonymous wrote:My daughters are innately good kids, but here is what I did.

I had them in lots of activities through the early teen years. Girl Scouts. Dance. Three sports. Volunteering at Church. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

Family dinner on weeknights is not optional. Google the research. We also did a big Sunday dinner with extended family.

My house was the designated after school hangout for the later teen years. This was a lucky break because we had a fully finished basement. Which just happened to have great acoustics and air flow into the kitchen. Anything hinky would have been obvious. I kept a stocked fridge and didn't grumble over the grocery bills.

I made sure that I met friends and their parents.

I did gentle social engineering in the tween years. Tweens are mostly dependent on you for transportation and spending money. Unhealthy friendships quickly died because I was too busy to drive over to Larla's house or didn't have any cash to give for a day at the mall. Sad smile. So sorry!(Not sorry!)

Anonymous wrote:Clear, understandable expectations that are known to the child such as:

*Tell us where you are going, who you are with, and what adult will be supervising

*Curfew is at dinnertime (6:30) unless you get direct permission to miss dinner at least one day in advance.

*Acheive grades of A- (or above)

*We (the parents) should know your friends, their parents, and siblings prior to setting up times (outside of organized activities) to hang out. We have ultimate say in whether we allow you to hang out with them, for how long, and doing what.

Combined with well defined, well known punishment:

*Grounding for between 1 and 5 days for either missing curfew, or not letting us know your plans in a timely manner.

*Removal from house for drug addiction

Also, keeping teens busy is equally important. We (the parents) make our teen's schedule, they can plan around it, but we schedule their days. Our goal is less then 1 hour free time a day, not always possible, but it has worked for us in the past. Sports are great, music, other organized activities. The less free time they have the less time they have to develop a marijuana addiction. Furthermore, friends met during these organized activities are more likely to pass our (the parents) muster then some sleazy, greasy-hair skaterpunk who spends his days just hangin' at the local park.

Another thing is that we have always set a good example. When my oldest (now 22) was born, we stopped drinking alcohol (period). We tried to show our kids (and teens) healthy relationships. We also gave them an in-depth talk about the dangers of addiction, truency, etc very early on.

Our kids hated the rules. Didn't understand why they couldn't just walk to their friends house and hang out all the time without telling me. Or why I insisted on an adult being present all the time. Truth is, as a social worker who works with youth (many of whom abuse drugs and alcohol) I have seen the world and know the dangers more then them. We are in the middle of a marijuana epidemic right now, I would say a vast majority of youth have at the very least experimented with Marijuana (and other drugs), with a good number succumbing to addiction to marijuana.

Ultimately, now that my kids are growing older (22, 20, and 16) they are starting to understand. My 22 year old actually thanked me last time he was home, as we were celebrating him getting his first professional job. He said how going to college, and watching so many of his peers struggle with serious physical dependence on marijuana, alcohol, and tobacco showed him how hard it must have been to do the right thing for him, and that he appreciated everything we did for him.

And that's the thing. Its not easy to keep your kids from fucking their lives up. Its changed from when we were kids, when only the absolute trashiest losers did drugs, you would be shocked. Kids with happy, healthy families are smoking weed, shooting dope, drinking booze by the gallon. Kids whose parents have no idea, because they are stuck in the 1980s when smart, well brought up kids simply had no desire to ruin their body with addictive drugs.