Anonymous wrote:Women know that there's a good chance they'll be killed if they leave. I can't judge that. I just assume they had a f'ed up family of origin to let it get that bad.

Not necessarily. A friend stayed in her horrible marriage for 5 years because her parents' marriage was perfect. I've known the family since HS, her childhood was loving and stable and the parents' relationship is really like a fairy tale kind of love. They respect marriage and almost revered this man so she didn't feel they would understand or even believe her. Like her mother, she is US born but married a somewhat older man from their culture. On the outside, her ex is the model immigrant husband and dad. In reality, he forced her to quit her job as soon as she got pregnant. Her parents interpreted this as he wanted to pamper her and was worried about the baby. Yeah, because beating your wife is good for the baby.

Women know that there's a good chance they'll be killed if they leave. I can't judge that. I just assume they had a f'ed up family of origin to let it get that bad.

No, because I was one. I wrote a research paper on domestic violence. It's not just physical. Emotional, psychological, and financial abuse are also major aspects of domestic violence. The no. 1 reason why victims (usually women) don't leave is because they are afraid of what will happen. All you people who say "I would leave after the first punch/black eye/police call/shouting match/mean look/etc." don't know shit. The abuse doesn't end after the victim leaves. If anything, it gets worse. This is why Michelle Castillo's ex murdered her while they were separated. This is why Yvette Cade's ex doused her with gasoline and set her on fire. This is why the local pediatrician's ex drowned her children (I'm sorry, her name escapes me at the moment but I think it happened in the 00s).

Abusers are going to continue to target their victims long after they leave. The only way they will stop is if one of them is dead or in jail.

So next time you want to blame the victim, think about her instead. Don't put yourself in her shoes because God forbid you would ever be in her shoes. Just think about her, don't judge.

I was horrified by the judgement in the comments section of the WaPo article on the impact of gentrification on the availability of shelters for battered women with children.

When my XH decided that words weren't weapons enough, I had family and friends who were in a financial position to help me get out of the marriage. He controlled all the money. I didn't even have a debit card to our joint account and once I told him I wanted a divorce, he closed the account so that I could not even buy food without him. The out of town friend who paid for a motel and takeout for days probably saved my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Noticed a lot of judgement and victim blaming on the nanny forums about women in abusive relationships. Interested to hear your take.

Yes, I do. Except for people in situations in which the abusive partner controls all the money and they have no social support at all.

Which is typical of all abusive relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's something I don't understand.

How you can continue to stay with someone who bashes your face in every week is just very odd to me. On the same token, I've known some women that were being abused yet they would get upset when they knew someone else being abused. (ie. friend A is getting punched, etc then she finds out friend B is literally in the same boat yet she's urging friend B to leave her abuser while friend A continues to stay)

It's not that the victim wants to stay with someone who is bashing your face in. It's that their spouse could try to perpetrate the violence even after they leave and especially if kids are involved it's a hard risk to take.

Sometimes the abuse is not physical and then it's harder for the victim to discern whether there actually is abuse. I am potentially in this situation- my husband has a horrible anger problem and when he lashed out it's really nasty- he has called me and the kids "stupid" and told us to shut up. But there is also the side of him that is tender and loving and I know that he definitely loves the kids with all his heart. It's really hard to leave a situation when there are signs that it could potentially be better.

Bottom line- don't be so judgy.

+1

Look what happened to Nicole Simpson after she left OJ.

No I don't judge. You don't know what goes on every single minute of their day. What their relationship is and was and what they have to deal with etc etc etc. one of my best friends was in an emotionally and occasionally abusive relationship. It was so hard but she did the right thing and called the cops on him when it would happen. She finally left. No judgement from me ever on any of her choices and timing