Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 10:00     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
You need to get him involved in some summer activity with kids and I think there are camps for kids who have hard time socially. In PA, there is one I think.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 07:51     Subject: Re:13 DS has no friends
Our DS was in a small private (one class per grade) in 1st and 2nd grade. It was a social nightmare for him as he couldn't break into the circles of friends. We pulled him out for third grade and he flourished socially and academically. Luckily we live in a very strong public school district. He is in high school now, and we made the switch to private for both social and academic reasons. Although our public HS is a top school in the region, we don't like the culture there. The new private is much larger, and he has made lots of friends already. I think the most important thing is to give your son more options to make friends. A small private is very limiting. I know that if we had let him stay in that school, he would have become depressed and withdrawn.

OP, can you look at the possibility of moving to a better school district? I know that can be pricey, but so is private school. If private is important to you, you could always try moving him back in high school, where the student body tends to be larger.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 07:43     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Anonymous wrote:Over stimulation of screen time is a danger for teenagers?


Yes...it is addicting. And whenever I let my teen have unlimited gaming time, when he is finished, he becomes a monster for the rest of the day. We have to get him outside to shake it off. Horrible stuff.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 07:21     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
OP, digging in your heels in saying that your child has no other school option tells me you aren't willing to really do what it takes to help your son. The social environment you are forcing him to remain in for he next 4-5 years will likely be terrible for him. Without a drastic change in environment, things will not change for him and he'll have th memory of having terrible teenage years. Quit ignoring the most obvious variable in this--his school.

And treating him like your youngest child is lazy parenting. He is 13. Treat him like the teenager he is. He likely can't contribute to discussions with peers when he is limited to entertainment and activities for younger kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 07:01     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all for this incredible outpouring of ideas. It's exactly I still use DCUM now 14 years after discovering it...

For clarification, he goes to a small school that then moves into HS, and we do not have an option for public. So he will remain. We limit gaming to family games our youngest can watch, and his alone time is an hour on weekends. He would spend all day doing that if we let him. He will be attending a weeklong sleep away outdoors camp so there is that. I like the idea of his getting involved with a youth climbing club (he's got all the gear and had gone a few times with DH). All in all I think more one on one time with a parent so far he seems to like, so we'll expand on that. He seems to enjoy being with us more when he's given the choice to be alone for a while too.

Thank you for helping me wrap my head around how to help him, the time spent responding was very much appreciated.


My DD is also 13 in a small private school and believe me if your DS says the groups are formed, they are. I have witnessed this myself. The only time there might possibly be some change is when kids leave or join the school. It also may depend on who you as a parent are friends with even in middle school and early high school years.

We used to say public was not an option. Our middle school is rated a 2 and our high school is rated a 1. But after seeing the impact the social situation had on my DD, we changed our mind. We have given her the option of exploring public school any time she wants in the coming years and/or looking at Catholic schools. Shifting to public would mean a lot more time spent on our part to make sure she was getting the academics she needed but we also realized that depression from social situations could mean that she couldn't focus anyway in private school.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 06:08     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
You are the parent. Video games are addictive. Put them in the trash.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 05:49     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Cross country. Almost anybody can run and improve . Cross country teams are coed and all levels are welcome. Expand with swimming and biking and try a mini triathlon . These things build confidence and to not require coordination, just desire to build yourself up.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 05:22     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
OP, is there a school counselor or other administrator you'd be comfortable talking to who might be able to suggest activities or facilitate other friendships? That's part of what you're paying for at a small private, IMO. You sound like a great mom. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 04:53     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Anonymous wrote:Over stimulation of screen time is a danger for teenagers?


Really? I guess they are all in danger.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2016 04:51     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can he get involved with an online gaming group? What games is he into?


That is not a good idea...he will become even more withdrawn.

Middle school years some of the worst. My DS had just a few friends which he managed to maintain, but he never got invited to parties and other events. That was the year of all the bar mitzvahs (we live in a very highly Jewish populated area), and he only got invited to 2, while many friends attended 6 or more. It is painful to watch, but high school will be better.

In the meantime, maybe your son could invite some boys over to play some video games. Get him the hottest new game that other boys may not have yet, and he can tell him he has it and invite them over. Feed them lots of junk food and soda.


No he won't gaming groups get very social with one another. What will make him withdrawn is gaming on his own.


So you would be okay with your already shy and withdrawn son sitting in front of a TV and "socializing" with perfect strangers, but having absolutely no face to face interaction. I hope you don't have a child PP.


That is not what online gaming is.

The kids game in groups, usually four to a team, against other teams. They skype while gaming, and there is a lot of talking, laughing and joking.

The kids my kid games with come from several different schools in this area, plus friends and friends of friends who moved out of state, various out of state cousins, and siblings.

Online gaming is suprisingly very interactive and social. The kids talk and interact quite a bit, just as much as my other boys who are out shooting hoops with friends.

Also, having a friend or friends over to game won't work the way you think it will.

Almost all of the games teens play niw are single player games where you game online wirh teams. If OP is buyint the latest cool game, he woukd not be able to play with friends in person. Only online.

Since you don't know how gaming is involved, it is probably best you don't hurl insults about something you know nothing about.


PP, this is very informative. I never understood the online gaming culture until you explained it. My 13 year old son plays and it is just as you describe. There are some school friends, old friends from "back in the day", long distance gamers, camp buddies, cousins, etc. who are online. They are playing in teams and talking trash (harmless) the whole time. My son would play all day if he could and I have to make him take breaks to do work and eat. He's at sleepaway camp this week, thankfully. I have invited some of his gaming friends over when he gets back so they can socialize in person. We have a pool, so they can swim and go out to play basketball, anything other than gaming. But, I recognize this is the life of a 13 year old boy. It is their social outlet. My son does like sports and plays in a lacrosse club. All kids need exercise. If I were you, OP, I would try sleep away camp or day camp. My DS is also at a small private and we will apply to a larger high school for him. Small privates and schools can be socially limiting.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2016 18:58     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Over stimulation of screen time is a danger for teenagers?
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2016 18:56     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can he get involved with an online gaming group? What games is he into?


That is not a good idea...he will become even more withdrawn.

Middle school years some of the worst. My DS had just a few friends which he managed to maintain, but he never got invited to parties and other events. That was the year of all the bar mitzvahs (we live in a very highly Jewish populated area), and he only got invited to 2, while many friends attended 6 or more. It is painful to watch, but high school will be better.

In the meantime, maybe your son could invite some boys over to play some video games. Get him the hottest new game that other boys may not have yet, and he can tell him he has it and invite them over. Feed them lots of junk food and soda.


No he won't gaming groups get very social with one another. What will make him withdrawn is gaming on his own.


So you would be okay with your already shy and withdrawn son sitting in front of a TV and "socializing" with perfect strangers, but having absolutely no face to face interaction. I hope you don't have a child PP.


That is not what online gaming is.

The kids game in groups, usually four to a team, against other teams. They skype while gaming, and there is a lot of talking, laughing and joking.

The kids my kid games with come from several different schools in this area, plus friends and friends of friends who moved out of state, various out of state cousins, and siblings.

Online gaming is suprisingly very interactive and social. The kids talk and interact quite a bit, just as much as my other boys who are out shooting hoops with friends.

Also, having a friend or friends over to game won't work the way you think it will.

Almost all of the games teens play niw are single player games where you game online wirh teams. If OP is buyint the latest cool game, he woukd not be able to play with friends in person. Only online.

Since you don't know how gaming is involved, it is probably best you don't hurl insults about something you know nothing about.


Oh please. I am very familiar with all types of online gaming, skype, xbox, minecraft, steam, addicting games, etc. etc. My DS loves to game, but we limit it significantly...especially online. He has a handful of friends that like to do this, and we allow it with strict time limits. DS also likes to play sports and other activities, so the online gaming would be on the bottom of things we would want him to do. I would much rather he be interacting with someone in person.


Congratulations! You get the dcum Gold Star of Parenting Award today


At least they realize the dangers of over stimulation from screen time.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2016 16:46     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can he get involved with an online gaming group? What games is he into?


That is not a good idea...he will become even more withdrawn.

Middle school years some of the worst. My DS had just a few friends which he managed to maintain, but he never got invited to parties and other events. That was the year of all the bar mitzvahs (we live in a very highly Jewish populated area), and he only got invited to 2, while many friends attended 6 or more. It is painful to watch, but high school will be better.

In the meantime, maybe your son could invite some boys over to play some video games. Get him the hottest new game that other boys may not have yet, and he can tell him he has it and invite them over. Feed them lots of junk food and soda.


No he won't gaming groups get very social with one another. What will make him withdrawn is gaming on his own.


So you would be okay with your already shy and withdrawn son sitting in front of a TV and "socializing" with perfect strangers, but having absolutely no face to face interaction. I hope you don't have a child PP.


That is not what online gaming is.

The kids game in groups, usually four to a team, against other teams. They skype while gaming, and there is a lot of talking, laughing and joking.

The kids my kid games with come from several different schools in this area, plus friends and friends of friends who moved out of state, various out of state cousins, and siblings.

Online gaming is suprisingly very interactive and social. The kids talk and interact quite a bit, just as much as my other boys who are out shooting hoops with friends.

Also, having a friend or friends over to game won't work the way you think it will.

Almost all of the games teens play niw are single player games where you game online wirh teams. If OP is buyint the latest cool game, he woukd not be able to play with friends in person. Only online.

Since you don't know how gaming is involved, it is probably best you don't hurl insults about something you know nothing about.


Oh please. I am very familiar with all types of online gaming, skype, xbox, minecraft, steam, addicting games, etc. etc. My DS loves to game, but we limit it significantly...especially online. He has a handful of friends that like to do this, and we allow it with strict time limits. DS also likes to play sports and other activities, so the online gaming would be on the bottom of things we would want him to do. I would much rather he be interacting with someone in person.


Congratulations! You get the dcum Gold Star of Parenting Award today
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2016 16:37     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We limit gaming to family games our youngest can watch, and his alone time is an hour on weekends.
.


OP, my oldest is like your son and I've tried everything mentioned (except forcing sports - I think forcing is a terrible idea). Two things strike me when I read your posts. First is that some kids are going to make better adults than kids and will be more successful at relationships as adults. Second is that when you have a significant enough age gap that you limit your family activities as you mention, you may not be giving your son the tools to engage in an age appropriate way. I chose a different tactic than you - we gear things to the older kids because we found that my son really needed work in the maturity and age appropriate interest development. Things much improved for him when we shifted focus and I don't think my youngest has been harmed. We just bought notice cancelling headphones for those times when the movies we watch aren't appropriate.

When my son hit high school things got better than really bad because though the bigger pool of kids led to actual friendships, his choices were not kids I liked and eventually a few things happened that led me to end most of the relationships - you can only imagine how bad it would have to be to make this decision after he had no friends for so long. But two years later he entered into a vo-tech program where he met kids with the same interests and now he has a few friends. He still usually prefers to hang with me if I would let him. But I make myself a last resort now so that he fosters his friendships.


This is a very insightful post.

We were the same way (only games and shows/movies appropriate for (4 years +) younger siblings. Being so rigid did lead to social issues around 12-13 years for the reasons mentioned.

What worked for us was that from 9:00-10:00 (later in weekends) when they younger siblings went to bed, our teen was allowed to play games or watch shows that other kids his age were watching. It made a huge difference, both in how he socialized but also his confidence and how well he fit in with other kids his age.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2016 16:25     Subject: 13 DS has no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We limit gaming to family games our youngest can watch, and his alone time is an hour on weekends.
.


OP, my oldest is like your son and I've tried everything mentioned (except forcing sports - I think forcing is a terrible idea). Two things strike me when I read your posts. First is that some kids are going to make better adults than kids and will be more successful at relationships as adults. Second is that when you have a significant enough age gap that you limit your family activities as you mention, you may not be giving your son the tools to engage in an age appropriate way. I chose a different tactic than you - we gear things to the older kids because we found that my son really needed work in the maturity and age appropriate interest development. Things much improved for him when we shifted focus and I don't think my youngest has been harmed. We just bought notice cancelling headphones for those times when the movies we watch aren't appropriate.

When my son hit high school things got better than really bad because though the bigger pool of kids led to actual friendships, his choices were not kids I liked and eventually a few things happened that led me to end most of the relationships - you can only imagine how bad it would have to be to make this decision after he had no friends for so long. But two years later he entered into a vo-tech program where he met kids with the same interests and now he has a few friends. He still usually prefers to hang with me if I would let him. But I make myself a last resort now so that he fosters his friendships.