Anonymous
06/23/2016 20:03
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.
Why am I not surprised that someone in a fucked up, anti-feminist, sickening BDSM relationship wherein one partner has all the power and the other has none had the 'dominant' keep a really important secret from the 'sub' for years, one that could put her sexual health at risk?
Yuck.
You sound anti feminist. What the hell do you think she is going to catch NOW? Who said BDSM? Who said she doesn't like being "submissive"? Do you even understand how BDSM works?
SM relationships for CSA victims is a sign of addiction to self destructive relationships and abuse to act out the childhood trauma.
Where's your psych degree from?
Anonymous
06/23/2016 18:10
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
Believe it or not, it is possible for someone to get over something and move on. What exactly would he be "dealing with" all these years later?
If he has not gone to therapy for the abuse... He had not "gotten over" the abuse.
He should deal with the feelings he has about being abused, how it negatively affects him now and how he can change those behaviors.
OP has not described "issues" there may be none right now. Often having kids triggers the PTSD of CSA.
Men generally think they can "handle it" and eventually self destruct.
Are you a therapist? That explains why you think your kind is the only way to "deal with the feelings". However people have gotten along before therapy came about? It's completely possible to "deal with the feelings" without outside assistance. You people just aren't that special or omnipotent.
Your constant need to shout everyone down about therapy and prove that you don't need it makes me think you aren't as okay as you think you are.
Anonymous
06/23/2016 17:19
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
Believe it or not, it is possible for someone to get over something and move on. What exactly would he be "dealing with" all these years later?
If he has not gone to therapy for the abuse... He had not "gotten over" the abuse.
He should deal with the feelings he has about being abused, how it negatively affects him now and how he can change those behaviors.
OP has not described "issues" there may be none right now. Often having kids triggers the PTSD of CSA.
Men generally think they can "handle it" and eventually self destruct.
Are you a therapist? That explains why you think your kind is the only way to "deal with the feelings". However people have gotten along before therapy came about? It's completely possible to "deal with the feelings" without outside assistance. You people just aren't that special or omnipotent.
Anonymous
06/23/2016 17:09
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.
Why am I not surprised that someone in a fucked up, anti-feminist, sickening BDSM relationship wherein one partner has all the power and the other has none had the 'dominant' keep a really important secret from the 'sub' for years, one that could put her sexual health at risk?
Yuck.
You sound anti feminist. What the hell do you think she is going to catch NOW? Who said BDSM? Who said she doesn't like being "submissive"? Do you even understand how BDSM works?
SM relationships for CSA victims is a sign of addiction to self destructive relationships and abuse to act out the childhood trauma.
Anonymous
06/23/2016 12:24
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.
Why am I not surprised that someone in a fucked up, anti-feminist, sickening BDSM relationship wherein one partner has all the power and the other has none had the 'dominant' keep a really important secret from the 'sub' for years, one that could put her sexual health at risk?
Yuck.
You sound anti feminist. What the hell do you think she is going to catch NOW? Who said BDSM? Who said she doesn't like being "submissive"? Do you even understand how BDSM works?
Anonymous
06/23/2016 12:23
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:Ignore the poster who signs nearly every post "Yuck." I think she's operating with a 6 year old's mentality.
+1.
Anonymous
06/23/2016 11:13
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Ignore the poster who signs nearly every post "Yuck." I think she's operating with a 6 year old's mentality.
Anonymous
06/23/2016 06:10
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
He was testing the waters with these disclosures.
There's more coming.
Get ready.
There's more coming.
Get ready.
Anonymous
06/23/2016 01:07
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
It would be a good idea for you, OP, to do some reading about the subject of childhood rape and how it affects men later on in life. There are a variety of ways to handle this kind of trauma.
I've heard of men who were raped as boys who do have an experimental relationship as a young adult with another man. They're acting out and trying to process what they went through. Then they often settle into being straight, if that's what they are, but they usually have some ways of acting out later.
Maybe his need for a dom/sub relationship with you is his way of continuing to act out what happened to him, as it shaped his expression of sexuality. If the two of you are happy and safe with how you do things, and he doesn't act out in destructive ways, then maybe the two of you will be fine. If things get difficult, he'd be wise to talk to a therapist. Childhood traumas sometimes have a way of oozing out of seemingly healed wound sites, in ways you wouldn't expect.
I've heard of men who were raped as boys who do have an experimental relationship as a young adult with another man. They're acting out and trying to process what they went through. Then they often settle into being straight, if that's what they are, but they usually have some ways of acting out later.
Maybe his need for a dom/sub relationship with you is his way of continuing to act out what happened to him, as it shaped his expression of sexuality. If the two of you are happy and safe with how you do things, and he doesn't act out in destructive ways, then maybe the two of you will be fine. If things get difficult, he'd be wise to talk to a therapist. Childhood traumas sometimes have a way of oozing out of seemingly healed wound sites, in ways you wouldn't expect.
Anonymous
06/23/2016 00:09
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
So, these are two separate events?
I think the real test is whether he is into *you* and is able to have a decent sex life with *you*. From what you said in your post, he is clearly into you and you have a good sex life. So, I would be inclined to not worry about him being "secretly gay."
Married, closeted, gay men don't typically have, great, longstanding sexual relationships with their wives.
I do agree that therapy is a good idea, but I would just suggest it in a non-threatening way, and let him decide what he wants to do.
Take it from a lesbian- yes, some gay people can have great hetero relationships for years without realizing they are gay. Sexuality is more complicated than some would like to believe, especially when heterosexuality is normalized, expected, and pushed on everyone.
Anonymous
06/23/2016 00:06
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.
Why am I not surprised that someone in a fucked up, anti-feminist, sickening BDSM relationship wherein one partner has all the power and the other has none had the 'dominant' keep a really important secret from the 'sub' for years, one that could put her sexual health at risk?
Yuck.
She might get the GRIDS? What are you talking about?
Anonymous
06/22/2016 23:06
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
So, these are two separate events?
I think the real test is whether he is into *you* and is able to have a decent sex life with *you*. From what you said in your post, he is clearly into you and you have a good sex life. So, I would be inclined to not worry about him being "secretly gay."
Married, closeted, gay men don't typically have, great, longstanding sexual relationships with their wives.
I do agree that therapy is a good idea, but I would just suggest it in a non-threatening way, and let him decide what he wants to do.
Anonymous
06/22/2016 23:05
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 9 years. We just got our marriage on track after a rough patch.
Our sex life is phenomenal and we are intimate 3-4 times per week. He has always been extremely attracted to me (and other women). Let's just say that he "responds" very favorably when we are together intimately. As we've grown closer, DH confided 2 things to me that I didn't know about him.
He was raped as a child and was involved in a sexual relationship with an older man when he was 20 (almost 25 years ago).
My DH has always been an Alpha and I am submissive. That is our dynamic and it works for us. He said that when it happened, it was really confusing to him and that he let it continue for a few months because the man took control. He said that it was just something different, mentally and physically.
Eventually, DH ended it. He wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He says that he isn't attracted to men at all and hasn't had any experiences since that one. Honestly, I'm not that upset about it. Sexuality, to me, isn't black or white. It's a very fluid thing.
I'm more upset about the sexual abuse and want him to seek therapy to deal with that trauma.
I guess I'm more looking for advice or BTDT experiences from others.
Please don't be mean or judgemental.
Why am I not surprised that someone in a fucked up, anti-feminist, sickening BDSM relationship wherein one partner has all the power and the other has none had the 'dominant' keep a really important secret from the 'sub' for years, one that could put her sexual health at risk?
Yuck.
Anonymous
06/22/2016 23:03
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
If your DH has just told you he was raped as a child, that is HUGE news.
Yes, people have a variety of responses and sexual abuse victims are not all the same. A lot depends on what occurred, who the offender was (family or not, position of trust or not, etc), how often it occurred, whether it involved violence, whether the person told others and got help at the time or not, whether the person was believed if they told or not, etc. etc. etc.
I would not be disturbed if my DH told me he had gay sex when he was 20 but if he was raped as a child....!?! That is huge.
I had sexual abuse issues in my past that I ignored for years and years and years. I guess you can say I thought I had "gotten over" them. But, not so.
I suggest you continue to talk to your DH about this. If you have not already, tell him how it saddened you to think of him as a boy and having to suffer through this. Thank him for the trust he's shown in you in telling you. You should read some books such as Betrayed as Boys to give you some insight into some things that might go on. Whether he seeks therapy or not is his choice, but educate yourself so you can best support him.
Yes, people have a variety of responses and sexual abuse victims are not all the same. A lot depends on what occurred, who the offender was (family or not, position of trust or not, etc), how often it occurred, whether it involved violence, whether the person told others and got help at the time or not, whether the person was believed if they told or not, etc. etc. etc.
I would not be disturbed if my DH told me he had gay sex when he was 20 but if he was raped as a child....!?! That is huge.
I had sexual abuse issues in my past that I ignored for years and years and years. I guess you can say I thought I had "gotten over" them. But, not so.
I suggest you continue to talk to your DH about this. If you have not already, tell him how it saddened you to think of him as a boy and having to suffer through this. Thank him for the trust he's shown in you in telling you. You should read some books such as Betrayed as Boys to give you some insight into some things that might go on. Whether he seeks therapy or not is his choice, but educate yourself so you can best support him.
Anonymous
06/22/2016 22:25
Subject: Found out that DH had gay sex many years ago
Anonymous wrote:OP. I would be upset. Get him to go to couples counseling and talk about it with a professional you both trust. There's so much going on in your post. It sounds like you're in an idyll, but shit always happens, so you'll need to be able to handle what's coming. Your DH finally trusts you enough to share the truth about his past. It's OK. But you both need counseling.
I am not a professional but I would think the childhood rape needs to be healed. No child deserves to be sexually abused. Note, there are less programs/social support networks for boys/men who have been raped. It is completely unfair.