Anonymous wrote:Four months post-partum is not the time to make a decision about divorce. You're essentially in the middle of a crisis, which is what parenting an infant feels like. Give it some time and see if you still feel the same way down the road, especially if this isn't something you were considering before you had the baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?

OK.... well that is called burying the lead! If that is the case... then why didn't you state that in the very first post? That is a VERY different situation. Your question shouldn't be do I wait until he graduates.... your question should have been... police involved because my husbands anger is out of control should I leave? That isn't what you posted.... you talked about crying all the time and 4 month old baby. Your story isn't consistent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

My experience is not like this at all. Dh actually pressured me to have a baby. He has went with me to all my postpartum visits and is well aware of ppd. He was abusive before the baby. I have had to get the police involved at times because his anger is out of control. There are always two sides to a story. I wonder if you were abusive to your ex?

Anonymous wrote:When I was finishing my masters program my wife started pushing hard to have a baby. I anticipated that would be too much stress. I tried to explain this to her and told her that it would be better to wait until after I finished the program and we were settled in after I found a job and we relocated. He begrudgingly accepted this but she was angry, hostel, and resentful about it. After relocation and a year into my job we had our first child. After the child she was very moody. One day while I was at work she left the child alone and just walked out of the house and was gone for almost 12 hours. She would get upset about the smallest things and what I did was always wrong. Looking back I can see that she was most likely suffering from PPD but I was young and nobody ever mentioned that to me. It really impacted our marriage because she "remembered" things in a very skewed fashion. Some of the things I'm sure never actually happened. She never got past these issues because they are her "memories." To this day she will have times when she obsesses on that period and gets angry with me anew about something from that time. Our marriage didn't last. She filed for divorce. I remember sitting in a conference room with our attorneys and she recited an incident from that time period as evidence that I was a bad husband and she said "one night while he was asleep he did...." She freely admits that "I was asleep" but she was insistent that I did and said "abusive" things while I was asleep in bed.

Because of my personal experience I have serious doubts that the OP has a clear grasp on reality right now. I have a suspicion the PPD can really mess with your mind. OP's husband is probably young and doesn't have a clue about PPD and is seriously stressed with school, baby and money. He probably is getting upset because of the baby is crying and OP is probably clamoring for his attention and wants him to focus on her or the baby. He probably says something insensitive and it blows up.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. And sorry people are trying to make you justify it.

Here's one piece of advice - go to a legal clinic (or see a lawyer if you have the money) for a consult. Find out your options. One thing jumped out at me - I don't think you're happy in the area where you are now and I don't think you have any support? It's likely your husband will have to move after the PhD?

I think you need to think very carefully about your options, especially custody. Does it make sense to move with your husband to an area that works for you, then divorce? That way you're semi-anchored in a good spot. But if your husband get a job in a terrible place, you probably don't want to move and get divorced there. If you share custody 50/50 (presumptive in many many jurisdictions), and you decide you want to move, you may not be allowed by the court to move - or you can move, but you'd lose custody. The same goes for your husband.

but a lot is really dependent on local laws. So find out for sure what is going on.

Second - call an abused woman's hotline. Find some support - maybe there is a local support group or just low cost counseling you can get. (I'm assuming low cost because PhD students don't pull in the big bucks).

good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can to give it time. Having a small baby AND doing a PhD are both extremely difficulty (I've done both). Your marriage is not a priority for either of you right now which is not ideal, but just the way it's going to have to be. Stay married. Wait it out. Focus on yourself. Ignore your dh's bs as much as possible. Encourage him to be supportive and helpful. Try to do things YOU enjoy.