Anonymous wrote:Is there any research on relationships between higher socioeconomic status women and lower socioeconomic status men?

I have repeatedly observed that these pairings struggle, often due to influence from in-laws, but also due to the higher SES women having higher expectations, in general.

It seems like the opposite (high SES male and lower SES female) are more likely to work.

I am upper middle class DH with lower middle class DW and would never do it again. Her family is so closed minded that its sickening.

OP, I vote for eloping. If you love your fiance and do in fact want to marry him, but the wedding is giving you anxiety.... elope. I know it's not that easy but it sounds like it might solve some problems.

Is there any research on relationships between higher socioeconomic status women and lower socioeconomic status men?

I have repeatedly observed that these pairings struggle, often due to influence from in-laws, but also due to the higher SES women having higher expectations, in general.

It seems like the opposite (high SES male and lower SES female) are more likely to work.

I am reminded of Jessica Seinfeld. She had a gigantic wedding to a guy, and then just a month or so later met Jerry at a local health club. Very quickly her first marriage was over and on to her second.
As a young person, I didn't want to disappoint my parents, so I went forward with a wedding even though I had big doubts. And sure enough just 4 years later it was over. Better to wait than to rush into it.

I dated my DH 10 years and have been married for 8. Like OP my family is upper class and his is lower middle. My parents are fairly judgemental (but my FIl is not very likable these days) but the only time they were all together was our wedding. There were other times I wish they could have been (my daughter's baptism) and I should have just put my foot down / expected everyone to act like grow ups. The wedding did present its own challenges (for example, my parents expected a certain level of rehearsal dinner but my in-laws wanted to host it so we did a spaghetti dinner) but it was all fine. I remember having a great time that weekend. The marriage has its own challenges - including dealing with each other's families - but that doesn't make me regret marrying him. We actually had a conversation a few months before the wedding - I was getting really cold feet and had a lot of fantasies of running off with a friend of his (who is terribly suited for me). We were able to discuss my fears / thoughts and having those hard conversations is one of the things that keeps us connected.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel excited about marrying my fiance. The whole wedding planning situation makes me stressed out and anxious. I don't daydream about my dress or being his mrs. Is this okay?

Well, thank God for that. Barf.

If you're not excited about the wedding, that's one thing. Planning can be stressful, and not being into the dress/cake/whatever is not a big deal. But you should be excited about being married to this person. You should be looking forward to spending your life with him. It's normal to be a little nervous--it's a big commitment, and no one really knows what the future holds. But there should be some feelings of positive anticipation, too. If you just feel meh about it, I would take the time to really reflect on whether you really want to get married, and whether you really want to marry this person.

This is OP.

I love my day to day life with my fiance. He goes above and beyond to show me he loves me and makes me comfortable. I just have massive anxeity about the wedding due to our families. My family is upper class; his is lower middle. Our familes do not get along at all and each sets of parents has their requirements. I just get anxiety thinking about it all.

Time to elope!

Anonymous wrote:It might be common, but it means that you shouldn't be marrying him. You know deep down that it's true. Call it off now before you are stuck with a kid with him.

NP. I couldn't disagree more with PP. People put so much pressure on themselves to feel head over heels in love and giddy with excitement to get married. I did not feel that way, and I made myself crazy because I thought I didn't love him "enough" to get married. I do think you owe it to yourself to work out your feelings and figure out how much of your anxiety is due to true red flags in your relationship vs unrealistic expectations of what marriage is. No marriage is perfect. Everyone deals with their spouse's imperfections and many deal with family issues. I had doubts before I got married but I realized that the doubts were due to my fantasies about love and romance rather than an indicator of whether we would be happy together. I'm so grateful that I didn't walk away from him because he is an amazing husband and we have a great life together.

Thanks. She did find someone else but didn't tell me her thoughts until then. I was shocked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should take a time out OP. My dd recently told me she was with her bf because she wasn't sure she would ever find someone else. I'm a died in the wool feminist, so I was shocked to hear a daughter of mine say that. I think there is too much pressure on women today (even more than when I was young).

If he is right for you, he will still be there after your time out. If not, you saved yourself a divorce and/or an unhappy life.

Not even a feminist, but that makes me so sad for her. She needs to get out now since of course she'll never find someone else while she's with him.

It might be common, but it means that you shouldn't be marrying him. You know deep down that it's true. Call it off now before you are stuck with a kid with him.

Anonymous wrote:You should take a time out OP. My dd recently told me she was with her bf because she wasn't sure she would ever find someone else. I'm a died in the wool feminist, so I was shocked to hear a daughter of mine say that. I think there is too much pressure on women today (even more than when I was young).

If he is right for you, he will still be there after your time out. If not, you saved yourself a divorce and/or an unhappy life.

Not even a feminist, but that makes me so sad for her. She needs to get out now since of course she'll never find someone else while she's with him.

OP, would it make your day easier if you and your fiancé quietly got married at City Hall before your wedding day? And then your wedding is a celebration of your embarking on married life together. Just a very random thought.

You should take a time out OP. My dd recently told me she was with her bf because she wasn't sure she would ever find someone else. I'm a died in the wool feminist, so I was shocked to hear a daughter of mine say that. I think there is too much pressure on women today (even more than when I was young).

If he is right for you, he will still be there after your time out. If not, you saved yourself a divorce and/or an unhappy life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel excited about marrying my fiance. The whole wedding planning situation makes me stressed out and anxious. I don't daydream about my dress or being his mrs. Is this okay?

Well, thank God for that. Barf.

If you're not excited about the wedding, that's one thing. Planning can be stressful, and not being into the dress/cake/whatever is not a big deal. But you should be excited about being married to this person. You should be looking forward to spending your life with him. It's normal to be a little nervous--it's a big commitment, and no one really knows what the future holds. But there should be some feelings of positive anticipation, too. If you just feel meh about it, I would take the time to really reflect on whether you really want to get married, and whether you really want to marry this person.

This is OP.

I love my day to day life with my fiance. He goes above and beyond to show me he loves me and makes me comfortable. I just have massive anxeity about the wedding due to our families. My family is upper class; his is lower middle. Our familes do not get along at all and each sets of parents has their requirements. I just get anxiety thinking about it all.

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel excited about marrying my fiance. The whole wedding planning situation makes me stressed out and anxious. I don't daydream about my dress or being his mrs. Is this okay?

Well, thank God for that. Barf.

If you're not excited about the wedding, that's one thing. Planning can be stressful, and not being into the dress/cake/whatever is not a big deal. But you should be excited about being married to this person. You should be looking forward to spending your life with him. It's normal to be a little nervous--it's a big commitment, and no one really knows what the future holds. But there should be some feelings of positive anticipation, too. If you just feel meh about it, I would take the time to really reflect on whether you really want to get married, and whether you really want to marry this person.

Don't do it. I wasn't excited about marrying my fiancé. Regret to this day. Except I love my children. But always wonder what would've been had I followed my heart. We got engaged after moving in together and I guess I felt trapped. Like we had already made a commitment in front of friends and family's. And guess I always hoped I was wrong and my feelings would change.