Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a filter on my email that forwards all messages from my mother to my husband's account, then deletes them from mine. He reads them and only lets me know if there's something important going on- like a sick relative. Everything else -- including the ultra-religious "wisdom" she sends me about how to fix my good life and turn it into her miserable one, gets tossed.

My husband doesn't like her but she can't push his buttons because he didn't install them.

I see no point in answering "what a nice vacation" etc. The emails are your mother's method of pushing your buttons and getting you to engage with her about the topics she chooses. It's not a normal conversation between two people and deserves no more response than a cat call or an internet troll.

I was going to suggest something like this OP. Your mom is acting like a jerk. You don't deserve this crap, so if your husband, of a friend, is willing to screen comms from your mom, I'd arrange for that.

BTW - does your sister know her life updates are being used like this? I'd be super pissed if I were your sister, and might even threaten to cut mom out off the photo distribution list if she kept it up.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:I have a filter on my email that forwards all messages from my mother to my husband's account, then deletes them from mine. He reads them and only lets me know if there's something important going on- like a sick relative. Everything else -- including the ultra-religious "wisdom" she sends me about how to fix my good life and turn it into her miserable one, gets tossed.

My husband doesn't like her but she can't push his buttons because he didn't install them.

I see no point in answering "what a nice vacation" etc. The emails are your mother's method of pushing your buttons and getting you to engage with her about the topics she chooses. It's not a normal conversation between two people and deserves no more response than a cat call or an internet troll.

I was going to suggest something like this OP. Your mom is acting like a jerk. You don't deserve this crap, so if your husband, of a friend, is willing to screen comms from your mom, I'd arrange for that.

BTW - does your sister know her life updates are being used like this? I'd be super pissed if I were your sister, and might even threaten to cut mom out off the photo distribution list if she kept it up.

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling in numerous ways...

My mom constantly sending me photos, videos, etc. of my siblings' "perfect" life (those are her words and perception, not mine). "Looks at Larla and Johnny, they are going on another honeymoon vacation for their 7th wedding anniversary. They have so much joy in their life."

Look at your niece Jane, isn't is such a calm, well balanced child. She only goes to preschool 4 hours per day. "Your brother in law's sister, you know the one who is a child psychologist, says that daycare more than 4 hours per day is a traumatic experience for young children."

I mostly ignore these messages (text, emails, etc) but it's getting on my nerves because they are directly sent to me and with constant digs, and they are sent on a DAILY basis.

When I make it clear, it's annoying, "oh I'm sorry, you have so much anger in your life these days." I ignore them, "I guess, you are going through so much that you are numb and can't be happy for your siblings."

Is there more information you can share on this? Are you going through a tough time (i.e. death, divorce, etc.)? Just wondering what her point of comparison is, not that its warranted.

These are nasty, mean statements criticizing your parenting.

I would not read the emails- I would send them to trash or a folder I set up without reading.

I would block her number from texting.

As soon as she started in during any conversation, I would end the conversation.

Seriously, that daycare statement alone is worth blocking for.

Canned responses that rarely vary:

Looks fun!
Great!
Interesting.

Never add more or defend yourself. Never.

I once texted back "Unsubscribe" to my parents when they kept doing this. They got the message and I laughed at my own joke for about a half hour. Sure they spent a lot of time talking amongst themselves about how I was obviously jealous or something. But I honestly didn't care anymore and the texts stopped.

Anonymous wrote:I'd just warble "ooooops I have to go-i'm making PUDDING!!!" every time she gets boring/annoying on the phone.

If she finally asks what's up with all the pudding act perplexed and ask her why she doesn't like pudding.

This almost makes me wish that I had a mom like OP's, just so I could say this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please ignore pp 13:57.

Clearly what your mom is doing is wrong and abusive.

The thing is she won't change and confronting her as you already know won't get her to change. You have to understand she is a sick person.

Distance yourself from her.

Only respond to her emails once a week with a general.

" Glad they are doing well."

Make no further comments.

Be proud of your life.

Of course this. Comparison is the enemy of joy, and your mom is a nasty provocateur. Yuck!

But then, OP, be prepared to be called out for your brevity.

My mom criticizes my emails, too. I do quite a bit of writing in my daily life and get snarky responses about how as someone who writes for a living and is known for detailed descriptions, I certainly can't seem to muster more than a few words about Great Aunt Velma, etc.

That's very perceptive of you, mom. I find you exhausting and thus limit my words. I write more to people with whom I enjoy corresponding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please ignore pp 13:57.

Clearly what your mom is doing is wrong and abusive.

The thing is she won't change and confronting her as you already know won't get her to change. You have to understand she is a sick person.

Distance yourself from her.

Only respond to her emails once a week with a general.

" Glad they are doing well."

Make no further comments.

Be proud of your life.

Of course this. Comparison is the enemy of joy, and your mom is a nasty provocateur. Yuck!

But then, OP, be prepared to be called out for your brevity.

My mom criticizes my emails, too. I do quite a bit of writing in my daily life and get snarky responses about how as someone who writes for a living and is known for detailed descriptions, I certainly can't seem to muster more than a few words about Great Aunt Velma, etc.

I have a filter on my email that forwards all messages from my mother to my husband's account, then deletes them from mine. He reads them and only lets me know if there's something important going on- like a sick relative. Everything else -- including the ultra-religious "wisdom" she sends me about how to fix my good life and turn it into her miserable one, gets tossed.

My husband doesn't like her but she can't push his buttons because he didn't install them.

I see no point in answering "what a nice vacation" etc. The emails are your mother's method of pushing your buttons and getting you to engage with her about the topics she chooses. It's not a normal conversation between two people and deserves no more response than a cat call or an internet troll.

I think life is too short for the elaborate pretenses other posters are advising. I, too, have a very toxic, nasty mother. In fact, both of my parents are miserable, unhappy people who pit their children against each other. What I would do is have ONE frank conversation with your mother and then move straight to consequences.

I would say "Mom, you can pretend you don't know what I am talking about, but the e-mails you are sending me about so and so's life are nasty and passive aggressive. You are going to stop sending me them starting today or else you will find yourself quickly cut out of my life." And then whatever she says in response, your answer is "I have told you where I stand and how you answer is your business, but if you want to remain part of my life, you need to take me seriously."

If you play along with your mother's foolishness, sending her canned responses or fake e-mails about your own life, you will just churn with resentment and she will see through you. How many years can you keep that up while she deposits her misery into your life? You have to step out of the dynamic entirely for your own peace of mind.