Anonymous
Post 05/23/2016 01:22     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
You have to realize that she doesn't care for him and that she has basically declared him to be a stranger to her.
It is a different issue how much you want to be involved with helping your dad. I understand you have a pretty strained relationship so I would t be surprised if you didn't want to deal with him.
Treat stepmom as a stranger. She does not care for your dad, and she cares for you even less. It is naive to expect her to inform you of anything.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 21:17     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who do you think should pay for his care, OP?


Not OP, but Dad and Stepmom should pay for the care.


This is an adult couple who made their decisions. If any child tries to interfere imo they can step up to the plate and care for that parent or pay for it. Otherwise, it's the couples business. My sister was going to divorce her husband because he had a stroke, the bills were killing them. He couldn't qualify for anything with their combined incomes.


Um, except they are no longer a couple! The wife divorced him. Legally, the wife is a stranger and OP and her sibs are next of kin. What are you people missing in this story? Of course OP has to step in to protect his interests.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 21:03     Subject: Re:Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
You need to consult with an elder law attorney. You need to protect your dad.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 20:33     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Isn't this the risk guys assume when they marry much younger women? Wow op, you don't even want your dad but you expect her to keep him?!?


Op again. Really not fair since you don't know the full extent of my relationship with my father and I don't owe any of you the full details. It doesn't matter at this point whether I would or would not move him into my house b/c he doesn't want to live with me -- he wants to stay with her (he told me that today). However, right now I am getting two different stories from them -- she says he can't stay at home in his current state and he says he can. The truth is probably somewhere in between. He doesn't think he needs assistance at home. She wants him to have help so she doesn't have to worry all the time (I assume). They need to reconcile that and that is between them. And I assume that must be a sticking point financially -- he isn't going to spend the money for home care until he is in dire straits (wanting to preserve his assets for when he really needs them) and she wants him to spend the money b/c she needs the help. So maybe she needs to chip in for the home care now or his social security check goes to that instead of to the other expenses it was covering. I guess I just need to get clarity on what happens for years 3, 4 and 5 and start figuring out a plan with my siblings on what we each can contribute.

My mom had her husband put in assisted living because he was falling and she couldn't care for him. She owned her home which he lived in for 25 years but did not contribute to financially. They are not divorced but his kids are paying his assisted living @ 10k/mo from all the money he saved by not paying living expenses. Things get weird with second marriages.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 20:32     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Isn't this the risk guys assume when they marry much younger women? Wow op, you don't even want your dad but you expect her to keep him?!?


Op again. Really not fair since you don't know the full extent of my relationship with my father and I don't owe any of you the full details. It doesn't matter at this point whether I would or would not move him into my house b/c he doesn't want to live with me -- he wants to stay with her (he told me that today). However, right now I am getting two different stories from them -- she says he can't stay at home in his current state and he says he can. The truth is probably somewhere in between. He doesn't think he needs assistance at home. She wants him to have help so she doesn't have to worry all the time (I assume). They need to reconcile that and that is between them. And I assume that must be a sticking point financially -- he isn't going to spend the money for home care until he is in dire straits (wanting to preserve his assets for when he really needs them) and she wants him to spend the money b/c she needs the help. So maybe she needs to chip in for the home care now or his social security check goes to that instead of to the other expenses it was covering. I guess I just need to get clarity on what happens for years 3, 4 and 5 and start figuring out a plan with my siblings on what we each can contribute.


OP, if he gets on medicaid, he keeps $77 of his social security check. So, basically you'd need to buy more clothing and other basics. Most everything else is included. If he doesn't get on medicaid, you have a big problem (or stepmom does). I hope she realizes she loses the social security check for him on medicaid.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 20:11     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:Isn't this the risk guys assume when they marry much younger women? Wow op, you don't even want your dad but you expect her to keep him?!?


Op again. Really not fair since you don't know the full extent of my relationship with my father and I don't owe any of you the full details. It doesn't matter at this point whether I would or would not move him into my house b/c he doesn't want to live with me -- he wants to stay with her (he told me that today). However, right now I am getting two different stories from them -- she says he can't stay at home in his current state and he says he can. The truth is probably somewhere in between. He doesn't think he needs assistance at home. She wants him to have help so she doesn't have to worry all the time (I assume). They need to reconcile that and that is between them. And I assume that must be a sticking point financially -- he isn't going to spend the money for home care until he is in dire straits (wanting to preserve his assets for when he really needs them) and she wants him to spend the money b/c she needs the help. So maybe she needs to chip in for the home care now or his social security check goes to that instead of to the other expenses it was covering. I guess I just need to get clarity on what happens for years 3, 4 and 5 and start figuring out a plan with my siblings on what we each can contribute.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 19:05     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:Isn't this the risk guys assume when they marry much younger women? Wow op, you don't even want your dad but you expect her to keep him?!?


Huh? Dad and stepmom are married. OP can help, but it is stepmom's responsibility. It sounds like OP is trying to step in and protect her dad. I took care of my MIL in our home a few months, and after that I couldn't do it. Have you tried before criticizing her? I could not leave the house as she would refuse to go. That means the kids could not get to school in less I left her home alone, which was a safety issue and forget things like activities. I was a hostage and only got a small break when my husband got home but he couldn't deal with her (nor wanted to).
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 19:01     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:Isn't this the risk guys assume when they marry much younger women? Wow op, you don't even want your dad but you expect her to keep him?!?


Nurse and a purse.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 18:32     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Isn't this the risk guys assume when they marry much younger women? Wow op, you don't even want your dad but you expect her to keep him?!?
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 18:29     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who do you think should pay for his care, OP?


Not OP, but Dad and Stepmom should pay for the care.


This is an adult couple who made their decisions. If any child tries to interfere imo they can step up to the plate and care for that parent or pay for it. Otherwise, it's the couples business. My sister was going to divorce her husband because he had a stroke, the bills were killing them. He couldn't qualify for anything with their combined incomes.


OP is concerned due to the 5 year long term care medicaid holdback. Its a real concern. He may not qualify for help for another 5 years. It sounds like he can only private pay for 1-2 years. My MIL nursing home via medicaid is around $12000 per month, probably more but they refuse to show us the real bills.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 18:27     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Research filial obligation laws. You may be totally on the hook to pay for his care.

Thanks, stepmom.


Op here. Yes, I'm aware of these laws. The state where my dad lives does not have a law. The state where I live does but I'd still move him here if he has nowhere else to go. But based on our conversation today, he clearly considers himself married so I didn't even bring up that option.


Its very rare that a child is on the hook for a parent's care. We talked to an attorney about it before moving my MIL. OP, can he have mild dementia if he considers himself married. He may have no understanding of what she is doing. I'd just be very concerned with the medicaid as there is a 5 year old back. They could go after stepmom.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 18:24     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who do you think should pay for his care, OP?


Not OP, but Dad and Stepmom should pay for the care.


This is an adult couple who made their decisions. If any child tries to interfere imo they can step up to the plate and care for that parent or pay for it. Otherwise, it's the couples business. My sister was going to divorce her husband because he had a stroke, the bills were killing them. He couldn't qualify for anything with their combined incomes.


I don't really agree that OP is interfering. It should be normal to make sure your parent will be taken care of, and the stepmom's intentions don't seem clear. Further, it is unclear that it was the couple's decision. It sounds as though it was stepmom's unilateral decision.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 18:21     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Research filial obligation laws. You may be totally on the hook to pay for his care.

Thanks, stepmom.


Op here. Yes, I'm aware of these laws. The state where my dad lives does not have a law. The state where I live does but I'd still move him here if he has nowhere else to go. But based on our conversation today, he clearly considers himself married so I didn't even bring up that option.


And does your stepmother consider them still married? Because, what about health care agency? If she's no longer next of kin, did he put a document in place giving her authority to make his medical decisions?
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 18:18     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who do you think should pay for his care, OP?


Not OP, but Dad and Stepmom should pay for the care.


This is an adult couple who made their decisions. If any child tries to interfere imo they can step up to the plate and care for that parent or pay for it. Otherwise, it's the couples business. My sister was going to divorce her husband because he had a stroke, the bills were killing them. He couldn't qualify for anything with their combined incomes.
Anonymous
Post 05/22/2016 16:41     Subject: Elderly Divorce for Financial Reasons
Anonymous wrote:Research filial obligation laws. You may be totally on the hook to pay for his care.

Thanks, stepmom.


Op here. Yes, I'm aware of these laws. The state where my dad lives does not have a law. The state where I live does but I'd still move him here if he has nowhere else to go. But based on our conversation today, he clearly considers himself married so I didn't even bring up that option.