Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to work on your own narcissism.

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I can't read any more of the ridiculous responses on this thread. I cannot believe that most PPs are actually justifying the horrible behavior of the SIL.

to the OP: please stop responding to the dysfunctional PPs on this thread who are turning this around on you. They are are nuts. Grief does not entitle people to act like assholes. LOTS of people endure infertility and they don't behave like this woman (SIL). She is the one who is immature and self-centered. Not being able to have a child does not entitle you to ignore the children of your relatives. To justify this behavior as acceptable is demented.

I am sorry your SIL is such a selfish jerk. It is best that you are being nice to her on the face of things, because you are stuck with her for the long haul and you will want your children to have a nice relationship. But you are entitled to judge her on the inside, because she deserves it.

Anonymous wrote:So, if a parent just lost their 4 year old to cancer, they are being mean by trying to attend your 4 year old's birthday party, but having to leave because they are overcome by emotion?

For some women, the mourning and grief associated with infertility is THAT deep and that real. They are faced every day with media and family messages about how they are incomplete for being barren. They get told that they should be happy to be an aunt, even when it might feel to them like the hardest stab to the heart. They watch friends and family have "oops" babies and the heartbreaking stories on the news where children are killed or left to die because they're unwanted. They get made to feel guilty because all these little celebrations in life kick them where they're sorest. And half the time, they have to do it quietly because we STILL can't accept as a society that this is real, raw, actual grief. We tell them to buck up and move on, because hey - they get to be an aunt or whatever, and look at what else they have.

OP, not everyone has the same degree of tolerance or resilience for hardships in their lives. It sounds as though your SIL really tried, by coming to see the baby at all, especially while news of her own fertility was fresh and raw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking the world revolves around you and get some empathy. This will be hard for you, but put yourself in her shoes. If you found out you could not have a baby and were really having a hard time coming to terms with it, you would be upset seeing your SIL's new born knowing you can never have a child of your own. It would remind you of everything you could not have. Just get over yourself.

This. Op, you need to grow up and gain some empathy.

Anonymous wrote:OP, the fact that you are finding offense in her grief kind of makes you sound like the mean one. Your baby was not harmed in any way, and I can guarantee you that a four year old boy wouldn't notice or be hurt that his aunt missed his parties unless another adult deliberately stoked those feelings in him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When I read your story, I thought: "poor SIL!", instead of "poor you", and of course not "poor baby" because your baby couldn't care less.

Your SIL did not welcome the birth of your child, and avoided seeing her because she had just found out she probably would not be able to conceive.

Is this too hard for you to understand?

Now be nice.

This. The reaction had nothing to do with your baby and no one was hurt. Your SIL was trying her best to deal with her pain, which I can only imagine was worsened in some ways by seeing your new baby. Give her a break.

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking the world revolves around you and get some empathy. This will be hard for you, but put yourself in her shoes. If you found out you could not have a baby and were really having a hard time coming to terms with it, you would be upset seeing your SIL's new born knowing you can never have a child of your own. It would remind you of everything you could not have. Just get over yourself.

Anonymous wrote:
When I read your story, I thought: "poor SIL!", instead of "poor you", and of course not "poor baby" because your baby couldn't care less.

Your SIL did not welcome the birth of your child, and avoided seeing her because she had just found out she probably would not be able to conceive.

Is this too hard for you to understand?

Now be nice.

Anonymous wrote:
When I read your story, I thought: "poor SIL!", instead of "poor you", and of course not "poor baby" because your baby couldn't care less.

Your SIL did not welcome the birth of your child, and avoided seeing her because she had just found out she probably would not be able to conceive.

Is this too hard for you to understand?

Now be nice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wasn't being mean to your daughter. Stop framing it that way in your mind.

X1000

I'm sure her behavior her to you, but it probably hurt less than the pain she was feeling at the prospect of never having a child. Seeing your baby in person made that really fresh and really real for her. (Imagine your life without your baby.) I'm sorry she couldn't be more receptive and loving towards your baby, but it's not about you and it's not about your baby. I hope you can be empathetic and let it go. Start a new chapter.

Anonymous wrote:Have some empathy, OP. Your daughter was not mistreated. Neither were you. This is what grief can look like.

Anonymous wrote:
When I read your story, I thought: "poor SIL!", instead of "poor you", and of course not "poor baby" because your baby couldn't care less.

Your SIL did not welcome the birth of your child, and avoided seeing her because she had just found out she probably would not be able to conceive.

Is this too hard for you to understand?

Now be nice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have some empathy, OP. Your daughter was not mistreated. Neither were you. This is what grief can look like.

Agree. OPs daughter wasn't impacted at all by the behavior and none of it was directed at the baby. Sounds like her SIL was just struggling to come to terms with some bad news.