Anonymous wrote:I think many women want sex twice a week. But they don't see a man and say wow I want that. They read a book, watch a movie, daydream and think about it.

And after marriage, they decide to stop reading those books, watching those movies, daydreaming those things.
This is exactly the male complaint. Whatever they were doing to get all lusty before, they just stop doing it.
Meanwhile the male sex drive keeps humming steadily along.

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

As long as that respecting gender differences goes both ways in matters sexual and nonsexual alike.

So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Yes

Anonymous wrote:There is a tendency to create strawmen around here so that the lower drive spouses can be dismissive of the higher drive spouse's desire for sex. For example:

Anonymous wrote:
Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

or

Anonymous wrote:
And I know it sucks but yes the majority of women as they age don't want to have sex 6 times a week.

But, honestly, do these women really find their men attractive enough that they spontaneously want to have sex with them even twice a week? I doubt it.
And maybe that's just the way it is, due to no one's fault. But if twice a week is a hassle, deal with that issue. Don't pretend it's just because the husband wants to have sex with unreasonable frequency.

I think many women want sex twice a week. But they don't see a man and say wow I want that. They read a book, watch a movie, daydream and think about it.

There is a tendency to create strawmen around here so that the lower drive spouses can be dismissive of the higher drive spouse's desire for sex. For example:

Anonymous wrote:
Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

or

Anonymous wrote:
And I know it sucks but yes the majority of women as they age don't want to have sex 6 times a week.

But, honestly, do these women really find their men attractive enough that they spontaneously want to have sex with them even twice a week? I doubt it.
And maybe that's just the way it is, due to no one's fault. But if twice a week is a hassle, deal with that issue. Don't pretend it's just because the husband wants to have sex with unreasonable frequency.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah man, she sounds super needy, wanting her husband to be nice to her before she has sex with him. If my DH came home and a giant d to me I would also lose my desire.

She never said he wasn't nice to her, or that he is a giant D to her. She said things he says or does end up killing my desire to f**k him which could mean he's the nicest H in the world, brought home flowers and cooked her dinner, but he left the milk out of the fridge, and mentioned something trivial that she happens disagrees with. A man can do 99 things right but the woman will latch on to the 1 wrong thing (even if it wasn't intentional or directed at the woman). That one thing will displace any chance of sex, it becomes her excuse to herself why she isn't interested in sex. Men don't operate this way, we are not keeping relationship score or looking for reasons to NOT have sex. We have a sexdrive that won't dry up if the wife is only 99% perfect.

Anonymous wrote:I gotta be honest sex starved men of DCUM. I think that most of you need to look inward and just be a nicer and more considerate and affectionate partner. Just because, not to get laid, because if I had major relationship problems and my DH was only buttering me up when he wanted sex that wouldn't work either. If you're not having sex you have a foundational relationship issue to work out.

I agree on being a nice/considerate/affectionate partner just because. But the fact you see DH being nice as "buttering you up for sex" reveals you may have a transactional attitude towards sex.

Anonymous wrote:And I know it sucks but yes the majority of women as they age don't want to have sex 6 times a week (I know you exist super hot 45 year old lady who doesn't look a day over 28 and makes people jealous and gives your husband a morning bj every day, we're not talking about you!). Life is a spectrum, you have to adjust with your partner.

These same women "pretended" to want frequent sex earlier in the relationship, but then later will prioritize everything else (facebook, DCUM, netflix) over a regular sexlife. That is not a spectrum, that is a selfish choice to watch netflix. One common way that men "adjust" is to pursue a younger girl who is still has sexual interests. Some men will "adjust" like this without first ending the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

Pp again. My dh really likes to enjoy sex so it's usually long and intense. Which is great, we have great sex. But sometimes it means I think to myself, "that's more effort than I want to put into something recreational right now." It's just another example of the fact that sex simply isn't the be all end all for women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Right there with you, brother. This is something women tend to minimize if not ignore completely.

It's also pretty sad that the PP has to "put a lot of effort into having regular sex with [her] husband." I hope she doesn't tell him that. It shouldn't require "a lot of effort" to have sex with your husband if you love him and are attracted to him.

I didn't say that I have to put a lot of effort in all the time or, perhaps more importantly, that it is a burden or difficult or something I don't want to do. I think what I was trying to say is that preventing dry spells, for me, requires effort. And that preventing dry spells generally is good for our marriage. So I make sure to not go too long with nothing because at some point that could easily lead to toooooo long.

It also has nothing to do about finding my dh attractive, he is always attractive to me. I'm just not always feeling like sex. I also certainly don't go into these occasional sexism encounters announcing to my dh that I'm talking myself into this one. It is always irrelevant once we get into it anyway because then I'm rely and genuinely into it.

I also think this is unfair. A woman gets on here talking about how she puts effort into fixing the parts of her that can lead to less sex and more problems and you're offended but the idea that a man would have to put effort into revving up a woman's drive gets the response "why is ramping up her since my problem?"

Anonymous wrote:
Have you not yet learned that for most women, her brain is her biggest sex organ? That PP stated that she does have the drive, just when her DH does or says something negative, it kills that drive. That's very normal for women. This is why the female viagra is hard to create. Someone once quoted one of the scientist who was working on a female viagra about why it doesn't seem to work for women: "you can't make a pill to counter being an asshole" .. or something like that.

But, just to clarify -- women are just as big of assholes as men. It just doesn't have as much of an impact on a guy's desire to have sex with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is great in bed. I am usually looking forward to sex. Unfortunately, he often comes home and things he says or does end up killing my desire to f**k him. Then he complains about not having enough sex.

Typical female with a fragile/weak sex drive.

No PP, but I think PP was saying that even if DH is good in bed, she also needs an emotional connection.

Yes, and I would call that a fragile/weak sex drive.
She lacks the ability to just turn of her brain and enjoy the physical pleasure of good sex.

Have you not yet learned that for most women, her brain is her biggest sex organ? That PP stated that she does have the drive, just when her DH does or says something negative, it kills that drive. That's very normal for women. This is why the female viagra is hard to create. Someone once quoted one of the scientist who was working on a female viagra about why it doesn't seem to work for women: "you can't make a pill to counter being an asshole" .. or something like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

I am a woman, and I get what you are talking about here. Occasionally, I will be getting out of the shower or wear a low-cut top, and my husband will want to have sex. It doesn't matter what else is going on. I might feel like I want to have sex because I am not overwhelmed, and the person I most want to have sex with is my husband. But I have never ever just thought a man was sexy and wanted to have sex with him. It doesn't matter if Brad Pitt showed up in my living room. If he was standing in the middle of 5 loads of unfolded laundry, I would not be thinking about sex.

No because my spouse is A+ in bed. But, as I said in the other thread, if he lost the 15 lbs he gained since we got married which really do not look good on him then I'd jump his bones more.

But we still have sex 2 times per week apx as is. So it's not the end of the world but seeing someone let themselves go is not hot.

If my husband could find my vagina, yes. But he can't find it. He seriously will try and stick his dick in my leg. Or my ass. It's like having sex with a 13 year old boy.