I would take the whole family. Fly separately from dh and kids.

I feel like you're insecure about your decisions and not sure you're doing what's right, and that's why you're taking his comments so personally.

Do you feel what you are doing is right?
Yes or no? Decide based on this.

Do you feel he is right in his interpretation?

Seek group therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's selfish to expect someone to spend that kind of money. Decline.

Not really. Not for a close family member like a sibling for such a special event. Especially because the OP stated that she does take long expensive vacations and that the family is very very close. A haven I believe she stated.

Of course it is selfish. They are dictating how she spends her money and her vacation time. Her money, her vacations. If the family was that close, they'd understand if she didn't go. Very very close isn't code for do everything together because you say so!~

So you have every intention of going, you are just venting. That's fine but just know that if its not over this trip, one day you are going to displease your brother and he's going to be nasty, and you should try to get your head around that.

OP (once more)
The other thing I find really odd, is that they just had a smaller scale destination event for a milestone family birthday. Because the cost and time were about 20% of Israel, and the vacation itself was something my husband and older child could enjoy participating in, they went out for four days and our other child and I traveled in for the birthday party itself. But, there was a lot of disappointment because outside of immediate family, no one else came. And this was just a domestic, long weekend. I'm surprised they are going this route again and just upping the financial, logistical, and emotional stakes so much.

Oh, and finally, I know the answer is the bottom of the above quote. I'm way too invested in pleasing other people. I realize it's totally irrational to resent that the pleasing bar has been set so high... But, at the end of the day, there it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yeah, not going sounds great. I just honestly, resent to the extreme that this is some sort of relationship referendum. We are a really close family. We all live locally and the cousins are extremely close.

I think half the reason I'm writing here is my family, normally a really loving haven for me, is feeling like some bizzaro world where everyone is thrilled to do this expensive, long group event, and I'm the odd one for not wanting to participate.

Well, look at it from his side. You are a really loving close family and his sister doesn't want to attend her nieces very special day. Yet you take long expensive vacations.

There are two sides here.

Yup. Brother has a point. And OP - you're changing hour story. You said you can afford anf handle long expensive vacations and now you're saying you can't.

If you truly have anxiety why don't you let the kids go in your place?

op here. The only thing actually changing in my story is gender due to DCUM unimportant detail change impulse.

Nothing else has changed, I'm just trying to be honest.
Yes - we could afford the entire trip - if we make it our top discretionary financial priority for several years.
Yes - we could afford the time for a full tour if we make it our only vacation for two years.
Yes - I could physically get on the plane if I'm willing to be 10/10 anxious for the 28 hours of flight time.
Yes - we could choose Israel as our last full family vacation before the eldest goes to collage, if the logistics of large group travel and packaged tours didn't make my husband a grumpy mess

Etc, etc (not even mentioning politics)

Just, please don't "invite" me for this "wonderful opportunity" and refuse to demonstrate (beyond basic lip
service) that it's a huge request to make of others. And please don't meet the compromise I'm willing to come to with more complaints because the calculus doesn't make sense to you. (Yes, the trip is more expensive per hour the shorter time you stay... But it's still less expensive. etc etc etc)

Finally, I have no idea how the tour package timing fits in with the Bat Mitzvah timing. I have no idea yet what my minimum on the ground turnaround time will be to be at the ceremony. So those are just estimates. Oh, and I'm a lousy speller!

I would, er, boycott this trip.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yeah, not going sounds great. I just honestly, resent to the extreme that this is some sort of relationship referendum. We are a really close family. We all live locally and the cousins are extremely close.

I think half the reason I'm writing here is my family, normally a really loving haven for me, is feeling like some bizzaro world where everyone is thrilled to do this expensive, long group event, and I'm the odd one for not wanting to participate.

Well, look at it from his side. You are a really loving close family and his sister doesn't want to attend her nieces very special day. Yet you take long expensive vacations.

There are two sides here.

Yup. Brother has a point. And OP - you're changing hour story. You said you can afford anf handle long expensive vacations and now you're saying you can't.

If you truly have anxiety why don't you let the kids go in your place?

OP is changing her story lot as the thread goes on. First, it's a nephew, then it's a niece. Then there is her obvious misunderstanding of how long it takes to fly back and forth and the weird relationship between a three day tour (which obviously wouldn't include Shabbat) and the event. So, she can't really fly in and out in 24 hours (24 total on the ground and 24 in the air), yet she'd do that for her family but wouldn't stay longer, even though staying at least the three days would be helpful to her anxiety because there are few things more stressful than long flights and jet lag.

Then there is the fact that she can't spell Judaism.

OP, if you're for real, you have given us here every indication you don't want to go. That's fine. Don't go and send a nice gift. Let go of your fear of your brother's retaliation if he chooses to skip your daughter's Bat Mitzvah.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yeah, not going sounds great. I just honestly, resent to the extreme that this is some sort of relationship referendum. We are a really close family. We all live locally and the cousins are extremely close.

I think half the reason I'm writing here is my family, normally a really loving haven for me, is feeling like some bizzaro world where everyone is thrilled to do this expensive, long group event, and I'm the odd one for not wanting to participate.

Well, look at it from his side. You are a really loving close family and his sister doesn't want to attend her nieces very special day. Yet you take long expensive vacations.

There are two sides here.

Yup. Brother has a point. And OP - you're changing hour story. You said you can afford anf handle long expensive vacations and now you're saying you can't.

If you truly have anxiety why don't you let the kids go in your place?

Reason #4,972 that I'm relieved to have left my modern orthodox upbringing behind.

Your brother is trying to shame a relative into demonstrating religious commitment on terms that he invented.

There is nothing pious, spiritual, holy, or godly about what he's doing. It's bullying and showing off.

OP, if your brother would boycott your child's local bat mitzvah because you didn't buy plane tickets and fly to Israel for his son's, then he is a mean and troubled person whom you probably would have displeased or disappointed at some point anyway.

If he does that, you can explain to your child that it's not about her -- it's a grownup argument. 13 is old enough to understand that.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I hate the concept of "destination" events..weddings, bah mitzvahs, whatever, unless you're eloping. It's just selfish.

I think it's only selfish if you try to guilt/bully people into going. If you are willing to accept people who decline to attend graciously I think it's okay.

Ugh, I hate the concept of "destination" events..weddings, bah mitzvahs, whatever, unless you're eloping. It's just selfish.

Anonymous wrote:

My brother told me straight out that our family's not attending would be a big statement about both our relationship and my commitment to Judism

Well then they shouldn't have required long-distance travel. And "tour package" is not THAT generous - the flight is what's really expensive. They are doing you no favors.

Right, this is the rub, her brother has no right to lay it on so thick.