Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op: How can we get men to cook and clean at holiday time, instead of the burden falling on us? Lobby for a ban on college sports and pro sports?

Your premise is so sexist and idiotic, that I can't help you.

Sit down before a holiday and communicate--make a plan, make a schedule, get on the same page. If your spouse or partner isn't open to this, then I feel bad for you.

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's not the wife's job to maintain her husband's relationships and follow through on this stuff. I told my husband as much and he agrees. A little bit before Christmas and Mother's Day I ask him and my BIL what they've done for their mom and I leave it at that.

My BIL is a grown-ass man and doesn't need a birthday card. We call him and his partner and stepson. Period.

Newsflash to the ranks of the offended: my child doesn't notice when she hasn't gotten a gift from Aunt A or uncle B. She likes the gifts she gets and treats anything that comes in the mail as a bonus. These resentments and battles are an adults-only affair.

If you're fortunate to have all you need including toys and clothes for your kids then don't get worked up about whether other people buy things for you. Enjoy the time with them if you like them. Tolerate them at holidays if you don't.

Don't pretend this is about your kids. If they're looking for a present from Cousin Larla and are pissed when they don't get one you've got bigger problems than crappy in laws; you're raising a crappy kid.

Anonymous wrote:This only works if you don't really like your ILs. I stopped all involvement regarding things involving FIL. My dh can go years before he remembers his own father's b-day, father's day, etc. Would I have done this with MIL? No way. Sadly, she has passed away, but I loved her dearly and made all the plans to see her (most of which dh took credit for, but whatever).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real men take responsibility for roasting the dead critter at feast time. You get yourself some manly gear like an electric smoker or a turkey fryer and keep the women-folk away from this crucial man task. Anyone who cooks should be given relief from dishes, so it's a win-win.

Just learn to let your control-freak fears fade away, and let your hubby do whatever crazy recipe he wants to follow for his roasting.

Blech. "Real men"? "Manly gear"? "Women-folk"? "HUBBY"?!?!

I think you missed the humor gene.

Anonymous wrote:This only works if you don't really like your ILs. I stopped all involvement regarding things involving FIL. My dh can go years before he remembers his own father's b-day, father's day, etc. Would I have done this with MIL? No way. Sadly, she has passed away, but I loved her dearly and made all the plans to see her (most of which dh took credit for, but whatever).

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the thread this OP is talking about. Here's the thing about my brothers and their wives. The wives control everything. They make the choice about where to spend holidays. They decide what presents to give or not give. My brothers are clueless and while their marriages don't resemble mine (my DH actually does a good bit of the logistical day to day stuff and keeps our calendar), I know what family I have and what I'm working with.

I don't think we need to enable. But we need to recognize that some marriages have this dynamic and you just have to work with the people you are stuck with.

And here's the rub to my annoying situation. Do you think my brothers will care when I inevitably stop participating in gift exchanges for their kids? No. They probably won't notice. Their wives will. This is another annoying thing I am thinking through. Since these women are obviously the only people who give a crap (on their end) and are the people who make all of the choices that created my awkward situations, then yes, I am going to focus my ire on them. Because it's more productive than having yet another call with my clueless brother who's defensive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...you didn't get the memo. Women are the planners whether we want to be or not. We take on the psychic energy of the family and have to remember everything. Men can handle assignments, but they can't handle the planning of everything. God knows how/why they run most corporations.

Men run large corporations and countries because those things require big picture skills and a cooperative effort -- the same skills that allow men to not get offended by the small and imagined slights on which so many of the discussions on this site thrive. Rare is the woman who can run a large team without it collapsing under petty jealousies and real or imagined backstabbing, all of which is corrosive to large team-building. On the other hand, women tend to thrive in small team building and organization (the "planners", as you call them). As you point out, woman can handle "the planning of everything", but when the task requires large scale coordination and cooperation (think Ike planning D-Day) and significant obedience (think of the soldiers storming the beaches), well, then bring in men.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the thread this OP is talking about. Here's the thing about my brothers and their wives. The wives control everything. They make the choice about where to spend holidays. They decide what presents to give or not give. My brothers are clueless and while their marriages don't resemble mine (my DH actually does a good bit of the logistical day to day stuff and keeps our calendar), I know what family I have and what I'm working with.

I don't think we need to enable. But we need to recognize that some marriages have this dynamic and you just have to work with the people you are stuck with.

And here's the rub to my annoying situation. Do you think my brothers will care when I inevitably stop participating in gift exchanges for their kids? No. They probably won't notice. Their wives will. This is another annoying thing I am thinking through. Since these women are obviously the only people who give a crap (on their end) and are the people who make all of the choices that created my awkward situations, then yes, I am going to focus my ire on them. Because it's more productive than having yet another call with my clueless brother who's defensive.