Anonymous wrote:I don't see how not having multiple life-long friends is anomalous behavior. People drift away. I'm still friendly with a few of my college mates. However, we live on the opposite sides of the country/world, we have other obligations. Yes, there is time for an occational email or phone call, but that's about it.

I lived in another state for 10 years and befriended someone. Now we moved again, and all that's left are emails. Which is cool. Again, with FT work and a young child, there's hardly time or energy for anything more involved. I move it's the story for majority of people. What's different seems rather anomalous to me.

I think its not the having a lifelong friend that is important so much as having friends. Particularly a woman being able to be friends with other women. And not because of being a loner. There is a clear difference between an introvert and someone who just cannot be friendly with other women. The latter is bad news bears.

I would also say that if she can't get along with anyone in your life (like ok your mom might be crazy but if your mom and you siblings and your friends all don't like her, that means something). And if she doesn't make an effort to rectify that. If my DH's fam disliked me I would be trying to improve the situation because that makes for a pretty difficult life. If someone wallows in hating people, its bad.

Being extremely passive aggressive I would also look out for, it means they can't talk through problems and bodes poorly for future conflict resolution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether the woman has friends. Not people they work with friends, but long-term, life-long friends. All of the crazy bitches that I have ever known have no long-term friends. Because they are crazy and alienate people.

My mother included.

Agreed....and usually the woman is jealous of the friends the man has that probably go back a very long time.

Seriously, folks, I have no idea where do you get these ideas

Because it can indicate a serious problem and is more common than you seem to believe (or want to believe).

Take BPDs for instance. One of the hallmarks of someone with long term BPD is the failure to maintain long-term relationships. Or the alienation of relationships that have survived longer-term.

Personally, I don't like the term "red flag". It suggests finality on the basis of an indicator. Sure, anomalous behavior should attract attention, but shouldn't be the conclusion.

For example, the lack of friends or alienation of relationships. Could be BPD. Could also be a person who isn't a "loner" but is more judicious in extending friendships. It could also be the result of that person having emerged from an abusive past. One of the principal ways abuse is continued is through isolating a person. Taking them out of the "family and friend" zone so they are entirely dependent upon the abuser.

I went through a major crisis (that included infidelity and babies) and learned so much about myself. I ditched almost all of my long-term friends. I realized i had been drawn to certain personality types, and they weren't healthy. Best thing I ever did. Making new friends has been hard but I'd rather have no friends than unhealthy ones.

I asked my DH what red flags he saw.
1. My strange relationship with my emotional vampire father.
I was the parent in the relationship. It really bothered my
future husband.

2. My temper

3. My inability to see the importance of sports.

Married 18 years, and he loves me in spite of all this.

My DH husband should have seen the red flag that I really disliked having sex. He had to talk me into it, and if that didn't work..guilt me into it. Of course he never gave up on me, and 10 years later I became a sex crazed woman. 5 years of sexual bliss and then my DH had medical problems that caused a complete loss of libido. He once wanted it daily, now he would be happy with once every 6 weeks. I am a once a week girl now. People can change, red flags don't always mean a lot.

I asked my fiancé what red flags he saw five years ago and why he didn't run. Here is what he said:
1) 2 kids, one of whom was in primary school
2) mentally ill ex-husband who was often behind on a as even when he was unemployed
3) demanding job that I clearly loved, but had little chance of major improvement in income
4) difficult elderly parents, particularly my mother
5) it took a long time to become sexually intimate and I have PTSD from childhood sex abuse and surviving a sexual assault in college.


He said that he didn't run because he knew me first as a friend before we became romantic so he was already impressed with and invested in all the things I had to offer despite these red flags. He said that I was honest and upfront about everything and willing to discuss them rather than acting like he was rude or paranoid for having questions. The biggest thing though, he said, was that he could see that I was happy and leading a functioning life without looking for someone to rescue me. He was especially impressed by how I parented my girls once he met them.

We've talked about some of this before briefly in premarital therapy, but not in such a direct way and it was really funny talking about them now since the biggest challenges we've faced the past four years were out of the blue multiple health crises that hit me all at once. It never occurred to me that my fiancé might walk away because my exhusband is a deadbeat dad or my mom tries to micromanage everything. I completely would have understood it if he'd left when I gained 40lbs for six months or temporarily went kinda crazy from the wrong medications. Oddly, those pushed us together more in the period between becoming exclusive and getting engaged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Major red flag-women who don't seem to have or be able to keep other women friends. The type of women who seem to regularly have falling outs with friends, stop speaking forever, weird jealousy issues. These type of women are insecure at best and petty and manipulative at worst. They always see other people as competiion. No man cal please them. Run fast men. it has nothing to do with introvestion or shyness, I am all these but I realy value my female friends and knwo they are importatn in my life.

These are the types of women you pump, then dump.

Where was this discussion a few decades ago? Another red flag -- high energy! / interesting! Could mean ADHD, which your kids then get.

Anonymous wrote:Major red flag-women who don't seem to have or be able to keep other women friends. The type of women who seem to regularly have falling outs with friends, stop speaking forever, weird jealousy issues. These type of women are insecure at best and petty and manipulative at worst. They always see other people as competiion. No man cal please them. Run fast men. it has nothing to do with introvestion or shyness, I am all these but I realy value my female friends and knwo they are importatn in my life.

These are the types of women you pump, then dump.

Anonymous wrote:See a lot of talk on here about how someone married a guy despite red flags galore. What about the flip side? How many of you have guy friends where you were thinking, "what in the world does he see in her'? "If there were any more red flags, she would have a flashing light attached to her head. Why is he getting in deeper"? "Should we kidnap him, throw him in a van and deprogram her out of him?"

How did these situations wind up?

I feel you. I have a really good friend who is getting involved with a girl he met online who has a kid. He hasn't done any research on her to verify any of her story. She has no job, no education and where she is living is with her dead husbands parents. There is no money and she is wanting to leave this situation but I fear if the in-laws find out about the new guy she is dating the she will have lose what housing she has and end up moving in with him. Perfect scenario for her but he can't seem to see it. What he does see is a girl who does cross fit morning noon and night so must have great figure but that seems like the only thing she has going for her. What do you say to them to get them to see the light? If I don't say something I am going to be attending a wedding and crying for other reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

I am not crazy, and I don't think I alienate people. I am simply a loner. Glad DH saw through that. In fact, I have the type of personality most guys adore and find very compatible. So... maybe you should revise your policy? You may miss out on an awesome partner.

You are the exception to the rule, darling.

Major red flag-women who don't seem to have or be able to keep other women friends. The type of women who seem to regularly have falling outs with friends, stop speaking forever, weird jealousy issues. These type of women are insecure at best and petty and manipulative at worst. They always see other people as competiion. No man cal please them. Run fast men. it has nothing to do with introvestion or shyness, I am all these but I realy value my female friends and knwo they are importatn in my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether the woman has friends. Not people they work with friends, but long-term, life-long friends. All of the crazy bitches that I have ever known have no long-term friends. Because they are crazy and alienate people.

My mother included.

I am not crazy, and I don't think I alienate people. I am simply a loner. Glad DH saw through that. In fact, I have the type of personality most guys adore and find very compatible. So... maybe you should revise your policy? You may miss out on an awesome partner.

Why would you want to get married if you are a loner?

Because I'm not a monk? I don't know. I like having a partner, and I like being married. Go figure.

Introverts can get married too.

Introverts aren't loners.

They are synonyms. And we don't know why she prefers to be alone, it could be because she is introverted.


Loner- noun
a person who is or prefers to be alone, especially one who avoids the company of others.

Red flags my nephew did not see:

- excessive student debt (why was she needlessly paying out-of-state tuition for those classes?)
- a very young child with another man who was conveniently out of the picture (how long would that last? ans: not very!)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how not having multiple life-long friends is anomalous behavior. People drift away. I'm still friendly with a few of my college mates. However, we live on the opposite sides of the country/world, we have other obligations. Yes, there is time for an occational email or phone call, but that's about it.

I lived in another state for 10 years and befriended someone. Now we moved again, and all that's left are emails. Which is cool. Again, with FT work and a young child, there's hardly time or energy for anything more involved. I move it's the story for majority of people. What's different seems rather anomalous to me.

I'm similar in that I've moved frequently for work and have a high pressure and time consuming career. I'm also married. I do have childhood friends. That being said, I think your story still tells someone that you don't value friendships as much as others do. Same could be said of me. If you did then you'd still make time to have friends despite the young child and the move. Doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

I agree. I meant this to say it doesn't make me crazy. Or I am not relationship material or something.

I also think it's strange to say people like me are jealous of spouse's friends. DH befriends people easier and generally has more desire to reach out to people. It hasn't occurred to me to be jealous of that. The life-long thing didn't work out for him as well, so I'm glad I didn't know it was a red flag